Big Fat Blog Of The Year - 2010

Truth be told, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I mean, most people will be on their xboxes/ps3's playing games they've gotten from a fat, bearded, closet paedophile (I'm referring to their uncles, as santa does not exist).
So why write this blog ? I mean, Channel 4 has already cornered the market with cynical works, such as Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker (I think that's his name) so why am I writing a blog which will basically be on tv in a matter of days, when it's much easier to access it ?

The answer, of course, is boredom. So fuck it, settle down, buckle up, and enjoy a years worth of recycled jokes courtesy of yours truly.

January was a bit of a blur to me, all I remember was the Haiti earthquake which to be fair, wasn't too funny in itself, what was funny however, was Wyclef Jean thinking he can bring the country out of poverty as he ran for the office of Prime Minister, you can just imagine it can't you,

"Wyclef, what makes you think you are best suited to the job of Prime Minister, what seperates you from the rest of the pack?"
"Well Breddren, I can lay down a smooooth ass melody to calm the masses, tell them that everytin' is going to be allllright"
"What about the countries situation, our infrastructure has all but collapsed, and anarchy is on the streets of Port au Prince?"
"...errm, we lay down some sweet ass melodies to calm de masses"

Needless to say, he was ruled out of the running, because he fucked off from that country and didn't return until Haiti was in the news, coincidence much ?

February saw some bloke die during the winter olympics.
A small man? lying down on a tea tray ? going at up to speeds of 60mph ? What could possibly go wrong ?
Fucking idiots.

March - boring in terms of world news, however, I somehow managed to snare/ attract a blind girl into going into a relationship with me. Good times. Oh, and I saw Trivium, a band who's fade into mediocrity started when Matt Heafy thought he would embrace his Japanese heritage that bit too much. No one gives a fuck where you're from Matt, go back to writing stuff like "Pull harder...." (No, that's not a sex joke non-metal fags)

April - Nothing much to report, I finally won the Grand National. All those years of backing Tony McCoy finally paid off, and I was richer to the tune of £25. For those who don't know, the Grand National is basically a very long race, in which Irish midgets try to jump over hedges. On horses. We don't know why, but it seems to please the British public. The midgets are of course, paid in POTATOES!
April also saw the introduction of the P Factor, where they reduced the job of prime minister to the equivalent of a talent contest, with televised T.V debates from all three of the main party leaders ending up in a public vote for who they think won that debate. Personally, people should go out and look for information on politics, not have it shovelled through their T.Vs. But I'm old fashioned like that.

May - Conservatives got into power. Don't want to talk about it.

June - The world cup started, I went to Wembley, I saw AC/DC, and I got made a sammich by my girlfriend. It was a good month....UNTIL, Frank Lampards disallowed goal in the world cup hammering by Ze Germans sent us all back to our stiff upper lip mentality, forcing the blame on everyone apart from the players who frankly, were just shit. Still, we won the ones that counted didn't we ? ;) (That's a world war 1 & 2 joke for those who didn't get it)
Oh, and one last thing, at Download Festival, where I saw AC/DC, there was something very unwholesome about a geriatric pensioner stripping down to his underwear whilst playing an unecessary 20 minute guitar solo whilst the other main gadgie encourages barely legal girls to get their tits out. Wrong, even by my standards...."Did someone say barely legal?"

July - Roaul Moat is a message to all the gingers out there. We will find you, and we will make it look like suicide.
Spain won the world cup final, with the British media making a huge fuss that an Englishman would actually be in the WC final, despite him being a referee, and despite every fan in that stadium hating him due to the fact that the Dutch were a set of dirty bastards and bookings were coming out left right and centre, although big up to Nigel De Jong for his excellent Kung Fu kick

"Wax on, wax off, pick up Yellow card, break Frenchmans leg in future."

August - A level results, resulting the the biggest set of arse clenching for 18 year olds and under since Gary Glitter announced his world tour. Other than that, fuck all happened that you guys are actually interested in. Other than my holiday to lanzarote, which resulted in me coming back with an arsenal of jokes which helped me produce what I consider to be my best work as a blogger, look for it in my history, it's entitled "Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction" and is undoubtedly going to be used as evidence for when someone claims I am medically insane.

September saw the mass influx of AS level students back into Newcastle college, it also made me realise what a set of annoying little shits we were last year, only thinking we can fit 10 in a lift, blocking up the corridors, and generally being knobjockeys, whilst being blissfully ignorant to the contempt whic the A2's hold for you. Which trust me, DOES exist.

October was my 18th birthday, and what followed was one of the best nights of my life, I was presented with a 3rd generation watch which had been kept in my family for 15 years awaiting my 18th (manly tears were shed that night, I assure you) and my 18th birthday party was a small party, but was held in the best of company, excuse me for a moment as I will deviate from my usual cynicism to tell you that I may slag my friends off rotten for being annoying bastards, because, well, they are. But if anyone tries to insult them in my presence, be prepared to choke on my fist......Up your your arse. Seriously, from the speech i gave whilst half cut, to the hokey cokey of death which ended up with a 6"4 friend of mine being kicked in the face, that night was brilliant from start to finish.

November however, wasn't as fun. In a month which saw the Lib Dems popularity go down like Jodie Marsh on the first date, we saw the potential outbreak of what may still yet escalate into WW3, with North Korea shelling a South Korean island. Shit got ugly. How ugly you may ask ?? Well, this ugly ....

What a fat little fucker he is.

December - Started off badly (me and Catherine split up) and it slowly got better, topping it all off with Christmas day spent with my family, laughing at miming "stars" on Christmas Top of the Pops. England raped the Aussies in the cricket, and Simon Cowell signed up a manufacture boy band to his label, honestly, the only way he could exploit children more is by opening a sweatshop.

2010 has been an amazing year for me. If someone told me this time last year that I was going to fall in love, get an A in an A level exam, find a place where I belong, mature and regress in the same year, I wouldn't believe them.
2011 is looking good already, a lot of friendships in placefor the future, University on the cards, and tickets to blink 182 and Iron Maiden.
Honestly, the only way this will get better will be by punching the very cunt who tried to sell out my best friend to save his cowardly hide.
Happy New Year guys, let's do this shit.
CAW

The Conservative Party Want To Bring Back Slavery

Not really. But now I've drawn you in with a catchy title, maybe you'd be so beautiful as to read my EPQ and give me feedback, because I literally cannot be arsed to do anything else tonight.
This is my first piece of informed political writing. Instead of spouting my usual left wing propaganda, I've decided to actually read the facts, and present them to you in the best way I can.
It's about 1000 words, so if you take the time to read this, thank you.

Assess the impact of the coalition Governments spending cuts on UK society and economy.

On the 20^th October 2010, the newly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne laid out what he intends to be “Britain’s path to economic stability” in his coalition government’s comprehensive spending review he set out to cut excessive public spending whilst raising taxes, with the aim of reducing Great Britain’s current budget deficit of 64.5% of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) which was valued at £955.0 billion on the 10^th of October. These cuts are viewed from the Chancellor as “necessary” whilst the shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson describes them as “draconian and born out of conservative ideology.” During this essay I will attempt to discover the true reasons to the government’s cuts in almost every walk of life, the impact it will have on the UK society, the impact it will have on the UK economy, and the roles of those involved in the CSR, from the masterminds to the frontline opposers, and everyone in between.

Contents of the Comprehensive Spending Review

The contents of George Osborne’s comprehensive spending review can be found on the HMRC website. However since it is 128 pages long, I shall attempt to condense it into as few lines as possible, whilst still explaining what shall be hit, where it shall be hit, and how hard it shall be hit.

• £81bn cut from public spending over four years
• 19% average departmental cuts - less than the 25% expected
• £7bn extra welfare cuts, including changes to incapacity, housing benefit and tax credits
• £3.5bn increase in public sector pension employee contributions
• Rise in state pension age brought forward
• 7% cut for local councils from April next year
• Permanent bank levy – George Osborne expects this to raise £2.5 billion a year
• Rail fares to rise 3% above inflation from 2012
• Police funding to be cut by 4%
• Retirement age to rise to 66 by the year 2020
• Up to half a million public sector jobs to be made redundant.

Source – BBC news.

Alan Johnson, the shadow chancellor of Ed Miliband’s new Labour party was quick to attack this proposal. He instantly noticed that the CSR was not backed by the any of the other nations of the UK. George Osborne stated that it was because of the mistakes of the previous labour government that caused the comprehensive spending review to be made. The average cuts in each department were 19%, which was –as stated previously- less than expected. However there are some anomalies in this budget, things that contradict typical conservative ideology. Such as the 14% cut with the Royal Family’s annual spending, with the conservative party generally being a large supporter of the monarchy. The hard hit to the middle classes with the scrapping of child benefits for those with a member of the family earning over £44,000 per annum. However this plan has been attacked due to its apparent unfairness, with families where both parents earn £40,000 a year will still be entitled to the child benefits, according to Osborne’s plans. Other sides of the spending review which contradicts conservative beliefs is the increase in foreign aid which will be distributed. This is increasing by 34% percent. This can also be seen as a differentiation from typical conservative beliefs, that in a time of financial prudency and “belt tightening” the conservative party will increase aid for a country other than ones in the United Kingdom. The donations will rise from £6.3 billion to £9.4 billion. This is able to counter Alan Johnsons claim that the CSR is done through conservative ideology, however further research shows that there is depth to his claims. Using the IFS (which is a body independent of the government used to assess the monetary implications of budgets, etc) it shows that the governments spending review will actually be extremely lenient on middle and upper class families. This is something which is a conservative belief. The protection of higher income families. The lenience on higher income earners inevitably that George Osborne’s “fairer budget for a fairer Britain” hits low income families the hardest. To show this, I shall use a graph created by James Browne, an economist for the IFS.

This shows that George Osborne’s plans to make “everyone tighten their belts together” is fundamentally true in and up to the years 2012/13. With the white line (which represents the reduction of disposable income) staying at a consistent level from IDG 2 all the way to 8. It also shows the previous labour governments plans to reduce the deficit by taxing the rich at a high extent. However this is a new government in charge, with different ideals. Therefore the taxes on the richest group were scrapped, in favour of a conservative viewpoint for tax and benefits, and after the first two years, the percentage decrease in benefit and taxes does not seem too severe.

However after the first two years of stability we are shown a rather startling figure…

What this shows is that the poorest families will lose the same amount (in £’s) income as people in grade 9 of the income decile group. The line in this graph shows that, as a percentage, the poorest stand to lose a significant portion of their income in comparison to the income of other pay groups. Notice the white line which continues to rise until you hit the richest people in the United Kingdom. This shows that the higher the grade of income you receive, the more leniencies will be shown on your tax and benefit measures by the years 2014/15

That's it for now. Thank you for being arsed to read your way through this. The next installment shall be written for next weeks blog.
CAW

Everyone needs a zombie plan....

And after watching Zombieland on dvd, I've realised I need to fully devise my own plan. The bare bones of the zombie plan has always been devised. I mean, everyone has one. But now I realise that a disease could come around and turn us into flesh-eating angry lumps of flesh intent on devouring us all regardless of race, gender or religion.
So, we'll begin with the back story. A virus has gotten out of control and has now infected most of humanity, including my family (sorry, but I'm not having these in my plan on account that groups of people will slow me down.
Here we go.

• Escape Blyth immediately. Via the car. find secretive spot with about a months worth of food rations. weapon of choice at this stage - Cricket bat
• After the first month of infection (at this point the infected humans will begin to die out) begin to slowly make inroads into Blyth. Stopping at my old school for basic weaponry (Javelins, shot putts, more cricket bats)
• Raid Asda, but first make sure that the store is clear by playing a guitar at the front of the shop, to attract remaining Zombies. and eliminate them. Ruthlessly.
• Set up camp at Asda, barricading myself in with shopping trolleys and other items, however leaving one emergency escape available (When in doubt, know your way out). At this point I will begin to pay my homage to the Dead Rising videogames by using duct tape and nails on pretty much everything I can get my hands on. Weapon of choice at this point - gardening tools, rakes, clippers, etc. Asda don't do a sport section which is where all the fun weaponry can be had :(
• Start to leave for the centre of Blyth, on foot. As the roads will be congested from all the people attempting to flee and failing. Currently travelling light, one satchel bag, with one change pair of combat shorts and a light t shirt. the rest of the bag being filled with light, but effective weapons.
• Enter Blyth, check obvious places for supplies, then go into Argos, find baseball bats, guitars, etc. Anything heavy. And hunt for food before the last big push.
  
• Drive to down south, stopping at service stations along the way for what's left of supplies and do relieve myself.
• Down to Dover, whilst avoiding all the big cities (more people = more zombies)
• Get small fishing boat.
• Travel to Calais, or some other French port.
• Live rest of life travelling Europe whilst raiding gun shops (because Europe is easier to get guns in than the UK)
• ????
• Profit.
  
  Here endeth the Zombie plan.

Oh, and if that fails, get a cricket bat, run to a nice open area, whilst being chased by zombies, and scream my lungs out whilst swinging my trusty cricket bat like a motherfuck. And die screaming "DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!" Like a boss.
CAW

We Are The Undead

Well, I nearly am. Given the fact that I feel like absolute shite these last few days.
I was stricken down by an illness which still escapes my ill-educated diagnosing skills (much like House. Yes, I went there Lewis, I know you're reading this.)
What basically happened was

• I was cold, despite the fact I was shivering
• I was lethargic, and would not even get up for some food(which brings me to my next point)
• Loss of appettite
• Headaches
• Aching limbs.

Never fun. However I got past the initial illness through my good friend, Jack Daniels MD.
During this week I have had an absolute shitter. I shant go into the details, but all the, small things, that can go wrong did, and it made me rage a tad.

I have started using a new site that I'm not sure if people will have heard of, it's called tumblr, and I will probably be using this to spout some mini-bites of hatred, whilst my blogspot becomes hopefully more recognised and gains more attention. Provided my tumblr doesn't get raided with gore after Operation Overlord

Just a small blog this week, I'm not really in the mood to write. Mainly because I'm trying to find a link to watch two black men beat each other up to the extent where Nick Griffin spunks in his pants.

Let's Do This Shit.

Untitled

My tooth is fixed.
Words cannot express the happiness which I'm feeling right now ! :D
Despite having what feels like half of my original tooth drilled out and replaced with a synthetic replacement, I'm feeling pretty damn chuffed with life now.
Cancer bats is without a doubt, one of the highlights of my year.

• Photo taken with Liam Cormier
• Stage dived during "Hail Destroyer" followed by excessive crowd surfing.
• Drunk lots of vodka to numb my (then painful) tooth.
• Wore combat shorts and a t shirt in mid November weather
• Almost had my ribs broken, my mp3 and phone lost forever and my sternum smashed when Vera Cruz's guitarist stepped on my chest.
  
  Oh, and one more thing, the dentists could be made a lot less daunting if they give you earplugs to drown out the drills.
  
  Let's do this shit. CAW

Hail Destroyer.

3 Shots of vodka and 1 JD and diet coke
Hmmm, I'm pissed off at my mother and I'm listening to hardcore punk music, yeah, great idea to calm down.
This ontop of a week where a piece of bone no smaller than .5 cm in diameter has caused me just as much pain as a broken collarbone.
Broken teeth aren't a nice thing, especially when this piece of tooth has been broken for about a year now, and has slowly decayed away due to your diet consisting of twice the RDA of sugar. At least. Still, the wonders of the NHS should have me up and slowly rotting my gums inside out within a few weeks. It should be ok, seeing as how I'm not supposed to have sugary stuff for 2 weeks. If not, I will have to be content with mixing the painkiller cocktail which I have now patented

Clove Oil - To numb the tooth/gums
Ibuprofen - To kill some of the pain
Vodka - To kill the rest of the pain.

Whoever said mixing alcohol with pills is a bad idea is lying. All things in moderation ;)

First spartans match of the seasons today (for me) remembered how much I love non-league football. The chants, crude and humourous, just the way I like them
" You can stick your Lincoln Sausage up your arse"
"Football league, you fucked it up"
and the evergreen "Oi, keeper, have you burped ? because I can smell spunk"

Ahh, gotta love Blyth Spartans AFC
An odd weekend by my standards, given that I am alone and ther other half is away to South Holland. Therefore no usual conversations with her. Tis odd. Tis not cricket.

Work this week provided me with a hilarious, if not wrong, thought. An old woman was complaining about the government cutting some benefit she recieved. It struck me with the thought of "Pet, you're so old (she looked about 80), you'll probably be one of the first to go in the good ol' winter cull, therefore your complaining about lack of benefits come springtime is invalid."
Wrong, but oh so right.

Cancer Bats tomorrow, I'll probably be dead, if I have the choice, my last words shall be




"The Game."

Let's do this shit. CAW

Speak Of The Devil

3 Jagerbombs.

A small week of drinking by my now high standards. But then again, I was designated "Walker home" by my girlfriends 6ft 4, brick shithouse father. So who am I to disagree ??

An eventful weekend was capped off by hearing that a good friend of mine had dropped trow in front of traffic and mooned some policemen. Scott Dunn, be proud of yourself, I sure as hell am. Krash - a pretty awesome place if I'm honest, and I had a rather good time there. Still, nothing compare to the fun I had going to Newburn with my girlfriend, which took about twice as long as it was meant to. Still, I enjoyed cycling 20 miles (there and back) to basically have a picnic in the freezing cold. Because it was in the best of company. Seriously, I might take the piss out of her, might "be mean to her" and might annoy her more than she ever thought possible, but if anyone ever hurt her whilst she was with me, I'll kill them and make it look like an accident.

Which reminds me of another small rant I have to go about. What kind of friend deletes, blocks and generally cuts someone out of their life without giving a reason, I mean seriously, it's fucking cowardice. I'm aware this happened several months ago now, but I'm still a tad angry at the callousness of what this person did. Regardless of their intentions, I deserved an explanation.

Tonight's Halloween, or as I like to call it "Legal Paedophilia day" fortunately I have gotten around the annoying idea of kids knocking at my door, I've removed it from it's hinges. Checkmate you little fuckers.

Today I came home, and watched Newcastle stuff the great unwashed. Personally I'm now looking forward to Toms newest blog :)
I also would like to clarify that when Blyth aren't playing, I support Newcastle. If they both played on a Saturday, I would be looking for Blyths result on the forum, Blyths result on Final Score, or be coming home from Croft Park talking about the result. However when the teams play on different days, I can happily look for both scores. Glad I cleared that up for you all.

Oh and one more thing, I think I'm going to my first Blyth match of the season next week, finally. I've not had time to get around to go to one, God knows I've missed the terraces.
Cancer Bats on Sunday, this may be my last blog post, as I will probably die there. Leave my body to medical science, to see if you can extract pure evil from a body.

Let's do this shit. CAW xx

My Last Serenade

Well, yesterday was epic.
9 Jack Daniels and Coke (One of which was bought for me by a beaten Tory, geddin)
7 shots of Jack Daniels, straight.
4 shots of Jagermeister
1 shot of Tequila (ergh)
and a Jagerbomb.

Ultimately resulting in me drinking my weeks worth of alcohol within a 12 hour space. Yet I was still unable to fall into a beautiful drunken stupour.
Brens 18th last night was just utter carnage from start to finish.
From me extending my winless run at pool to seeing Rainbows penis, the entire night was one of drunken teenage debauchery. Which I loved.
Whilst on the road trip up to Berwick, we witnessed first hand the de-flowering of Whiskey drinking for Lewis Stephenson. One which resulted in a hilarious coughing fit in the back of a tightly packed Renault Megane.
Once in the land of the sweaty socks I was struck by an overwhelming urge to open up the Jager, which I did, and being the kind hearted individual that I am *Cough* I decided to share it out with everyone, which basically set the ball rolling for a pretty heavy night of drinking on my account.
The key events of the night included

• Me falling asleep with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my arm.
• Headbanging with my mates
• Reminiscing about old First School chicken curry
• playing acoustic guitar whilst my friends sang beside me, campfire style, except without the paedophilia
• and finally, gang -raping the birthday boy himself whilst shirtless.
  

All in all, people are more impressed at the fact I was still ok after drinking a substantial amount of booze. Whether that's a good thing or bad thing, who knows...

In the meantime, I suppose I'll just continue drinking my own body weight in Jack Daniels until my liver just says "Fuck this" and packs in
Let's do this shit. CAW XX

Sometime Around Midnight.

So here I sit, with my Jack Daniels and Coke in one hand, my smartprice pot noodle avec bread billowing steam which almost seems to sway upwards to the slow drumbeat of the Airbourne Toxic Event's melancholy masterpiece "Sometime Around Midnight." As I slowly scroll through the blogs I wrote under the pseudonym of the Seventeen Year Old Cynic having a sly chuckle to myself every few seconds or so I suddenly have the sudden realisation.
My life is fucking awesome.

Whilst my old blog would have made no attempt to justify this rare showing of optomism and happiness due to the fact I would have referred to this happy version of myself as a "Stupid fucking cunt", this new blog (Aptly named the ramblings of a drunken madman) shall be my attempt to show people that I am not just a foul mouthed socialist bastard. There is actually emotion to the seemingly mindless blogs which I post.

The last few weeks have seen me turn from a boy into a man, according to the law. I personally see myself still as the juvenile imbecile who has unfortunately turned himself into the class clown for others gain and ultimately, his own downfall. I am making the conscious effort to become work-orientated, but this has not been helped by the fact I now have the temptation of being able to go to the local pub/club/space bar for a quick Jack & Coke. What I would not give to be able find the sudden and resounding urge to finally pick up a textbook rather than crack a funny, sit back in my seat, put my feet on the table, headphones in, world out. And hope for the best come January.

This has ultimately been caused by the startling discovery that I have just sauntered through my education for the last 4 years. I have relied upon my natural intelligence, sat back and became the joker, confidently expecting the good grades come August time, and usually becoming pretty damn depressed at the final outcomes. The fear that I may not be going to a decent university is a pretty damn possible outcome..

***MY GLASS IS EMPTY, PLEASE TAKE 30 SECONDS BREAK WHILST I REFILL***

Where was I ? Oh yes, potentially fucking up the rest of my life...
The work starts now. Simples (As everyones favourite communist Meerkat would say)

In the meantime, I will have the odd drink here and there, when every bit of work is finished (give or take a few non-essential bits). After all, I got so much drink for my 18th (which was two weeks ago, thanks for asking) it would be a shame to waste a litre of 50% Vodka, and bottle of Apple Sourz, 2 Litres of Jack, and a bottle of Jagermeister. Which reminds me...
Thank you for everyone who came to my 18th, I got so incredibly rat-arsed and I couldn't have done it without my closest friends beside me.

In other news, I have a small, friendly bet with Shannon Atkins, if I can go a week without "Tory-Bashing" she owes me a Jack and Coke. This will be tough, and most of my friends are judging me given the fact I'm holding back my views to the point where I will probably have an aneurysm. But the pride at stake will be even more, as I will have had a drink bought for me by a beaten conservative.

For those who are still clueless to the latest direction of my blog. I will be literally whatever is on my mind, from whatever viewpoint I am feeling, posted whenever I have the urge to blog. However it will still be posted on the Friday or the Saturday.

Sentiments aside, let's do this shit. CAW

The Final Post of the Seventeen Year Old Cynic.

Yes, this is it.
The final blog entry of the Seventeen year old cynic (I decided to give myself this alter ego as a lot of figures in history had alter ego's, For example :

• Ronnie Barker had Gerald Wiley
• David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust
• Clark Kent had Superman
• And the Pope has this alter ego
  

But in all seriousness, the mutterings of a seventeen year old cynic was only started as I had been told ranting and venting makes you feel better and allows more personal growth and emotional stability.
That person in now in a mental home.

I actually don't have much to rant about anymore, it's quite unfortunate.
Although there is a handful of things I can think of from the top of my head.
Stupid People.
Michael McIntyre.
And whatever fills my angry little skull whilst I write this.

On Facebook (you know what that is, it's that thing that's responsible for a generation of teenagers obsessed with getting as many friends online as possible) there was a girls "about me section" which read " Aim for the moon, so even if you fail, you'll land among the stars"

For normal people, this would read as something rather cute, but for me, this represents a stupid bitch. Does she not know that the moon is just a tad close to us than the sun??
Does she not know that if you failed in reaching the moon, you'd run out of oxygen and die?
Silly bitch, should be in the kitchen making me a sammich.
EDIT - This is not about Catherine :P

Mr Michael McIntyre, since your show the "Comedy Roadshow" (And I use the term comedy VERY loosely) is a very damaging show to the environment, due to you travelling the length and width of the country to find some new comedy "talent" may I suggest saving the planet another way by not using paper to write jokes, instead, you can just prance up and down the stage, put on high pitched voices, and wiggle your hair backwards and forwards. Then you'll somehow cause the paying public will bray like donkeys and clap like fish fed seals like some mutant half seal, half donkey offspring.

Speaking of mutant offspring, did any of you see that Chris Moyles hasn't been paid in two months ?
Wow, it must really make a difference when you are paid £500,000 of the taxpayers annual funding you obnoxious bastard. Hows about you suck it up, be a man about it, and talk to the directors, instead of ranting on air to your faithful listeners and expecting them to call some sort of Russian Revolutio-esque strike.
You cunt.

A small blog by my standards, however, I think "The Mutterings of a Seventeen Year Old Cynic" has been fun, and has, as such, run it's course.


Only kidding, the blogs will be back, but under a new name, the title is only a deviation to the normal "What I'm listening to" because this time I will not be the 17 year old cynic, I will be 18 (Fuck, shit, bollocks, cunting wankering spunkfest) so I will be coming back soon, but with a new name. ;) Look out for the "Ramblings of a Drunken Madman"

Till then, the world's not a shit place, Stupid pricks make it seem that way.
Seventeen year Old cynic, signing off.

Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction.

Yes, this is currently what I'm listening to.
It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I'm worried I may have lost my offensive edge, so what I'm going to do is a "pre seasons" blog, where I warm up for another onslaught of the college year, this blog will be me using some of my most offensive phrases, designed to offend nobody in particular.I shall also do this in a monologue format, like a very ranty speech.Here goes....

I've recently got back from a two week holiday in Lanzarote, it was fucking boiling, but no-one could give a shite if had been to the city of Atlantis or if I had been to Hiroshima (although that would explain my new limbs). In my hotel there was a little gym where I decided to go to TRY and muscle up. I should explain, gyms are these mythical places where the beautiful people of the world go to meet up with other beautiful people and laugh with other beautiful people. It is a place where the normal people, the ones who enjoy a pie and a pint at a football match are made to feel like lepers (which reminds me, what did the leper say to the prostitute ?? Keep the tip.). I was on the bike where I saw Katy Perrys newest video, it was also at this point where my cock exploded (fortunately I already had a towel handy, for the machines, that's my reason and I'm sticking to it)
Also at this hotel was a man in a wheelchair, now, I don't have to be particularly talented to get jokes out of this one, so all I shall say is this, you have never seen anything as funny in your life as a pelatic man where inly 50% of his limbs actually work. Club singers are also frequent in tourist destinations , and some of their voices were so bad that the only way I can describe them was if I can get you to imagine an animal being slowly impaled with a hosepipe up their anal canal.
Walking through Costa Teguise town centre I saw a "Missing Kid" notice, now, I don't know the proper Spanish term for missing kid, although in ignorant spanish it is pronounced "Missing-o ......KID-O" with lots of gesticulating.Anyway, I digress, this missing kid poster. I took one look at it and thought "Jesus Christ, the police might as well send out their divers for a body because no kidnappers will be keeping that ugly fucker alive to rape."
Read the Sunday Mirror whilst I was over there, and saw in it an article about Jon Venables saying he has "Found God" (in the Catholic sense)and has claimed he has been "forgiven".It made me think. He obviously knows what he's doing, because if ANY religion in the world is going to forgive you for fiddling kids, it'll be the Catholics. And unfortunately, that isn't a joke, especially coupled with the Grand Master Paedophiles visit to the UK (AKA The Pope).
It was also claimed at the Mirror and the BBC (by our good 'ol Tory Propaganda machine The Sun) that they give too much coverage to Labour, and smear the Tories too much. Win for hypocrisy right there. But to be fair, if the BBC DID have an anti Tory bias, they would have done something about it, like spending billions of taxpayers license fee's to research an injectable form of Alzheimers in Margeret Thatcher during a 1987 episode of question time.THEORETICALLY.
Oh, and whilst we're on the subject on degenerative diseases, they've found a cure for cerebal palsy, it's called a silver bullet.
Ooooh, I'm now watching the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction, legendary :)
Which reminds me of another form of abuse, feeding me airline food. I would not feed that shit to my worst fucking enemy, it is honestly only eaten because between the choice of not eating for 48 hours, and eating something whilst looks like regurgitated faeces, I would eat the pukey poop. Albeit it begrudgingly.
I also had a small round of mini golf over there, which some fucking Germans interrupted by walking across the course. So, being the good sport I am, decided to let it slide........ish
HOWEVER, when my sister asked the time, I took great satisfaction is telling her
"19:45, although it was 19:18 not too long ago"
However I did not mention the football, due to the fact those schnitzel eating krauts got us back not too long ago.
Our representative in the hotel was in my opinion, the living emobodiment of the phrase "a fucking screw loose" his name was Igor, and I have no doubt in my mind that he was on grade A narcotics.He was a beautiful human being. Even though he was Portugese.
And to finish of my anger part of the blog, I shall end with fair trade products, which were being pressed upon me during my time over in the Canary Isles.

I could not give a fuck if my cocoa beans come from the bloody hands of Robert Mugabes beaten and oppressed people, if I can get them for 20p less than your fair trade shit, I'll get them.

It felt good to get that off my chest, if you have read this without spitting feathers, reporting me to the relevant authorities, or in general wanting nothing more to do with me. Thanks you.
Normal service will be resumed after the first week in college, which I'm weirdly looking forward to.
Whiteman xx

Downfall Of Us All

*All of this blog will be written in jest and only a fool would take it as my own beliefs and serious opinions*

Well, basically, I've got nothing to rant about properly, so I am officially taking a summer break
*Pauses to hear dozens of people cheer*
So for my last blog for a few weeks I thought I'll give you all something nice to think about.
The end of the world.
This was a theory that me and an old school friend discussed way back, 2 years ago. When we discovered the Ebola Virus. For those who don't know, I shall give you an extract to the information from the "Ebola Facebook Page"

"Ebola is a disease found in mainland Africa, deep in jungles. The first symptoms of ebola are a high fever and extreme muscular pains in the head and back. After this the patient becomes inable to leave the bed due to the extreme pain caused by the disease destroying connective tissues in the muscles. Next the virus spreads to all the internal organs and begins to literally liquify them except from the liver, which it turns into a giant ball of blood clot. The patient then begins to vomit blood along with liquified parts of organ and blood begins to leak from every orrifice in the body including the genitalia and (if you're female) the nipples. The lining of the gut then becomes distatched and is passed through the anus along with a lot of blood. The virus then begins attacking the connective tissue in the skin and the skin begins to tear off in large chunks. The patient then suffers painful and uncontrollable convulsions of the body followed by blood leaking violently from the mouth and anus. Finally necrosis sets in and the patient begins to rot up to 3 days before finally dying. The disease is particularly violent in pregnant woman causing spontaneous abortion of the child who is born showing symptoms that they died of ebola. The mother then dies from uncontrollable blood loss from the cervix. This disease is 100% real and has a mortality rate of around 90-92%. The first place the worst strain of this disease struck was at a nun missionary in Yambuku, Zaire (Now Democratic Republic Of Congo). Where is your god now?"ebola is spread through direct contact with blood or other bodily secretion of infected people. This close proximity infection, makes outbreaks among small communities and families very common. Infection can also be caused through contact with contaminated medical equipment such as needles, glassware, no sterile equipment, or careless lab procedures.

This got me and my friend thinking, what would happen if Ebola broke out and infected the world, akin to a "dawn of the dead" type virus??

Well this is how the Ebola Doomsday Theory started, and until recently lay dormant in my warped mind, until Andrew Herridge decided to help me develop the theory.
The initial thought of the virus is that it kills 9/10 people.
Also, at this time, the rate of homosexuality in people was about 1/10
This cannot be a coincidence, so surely the ones who survive ebola must be gay.
So this with that logic ebola will wipe out most of the heterosexual humans in this planet.
The theory then developed into "ebola is the type of disease that is so horrific, it attacks your soul first"
This led me and Herridge into the next survivors of the Ebola virus.
Gingers.
These people will not be killed due to the fact they do not have souls to begin with, therefore the virus cannot be fully effective on them. So the only hope of reproducing in this virus destroyed world will be ginger kids. Oh dear.
As the gay people will not reproduce, they will have no responsibility to families, and will therefore be appointed as "village" leaders in the slowly rebuilding world, due to the fact they will not have any other committments.
So the villages will be led by their leaders (chances are they'll want to be like a monarchy, so may I suggest calling them Queens? Or has that already been taken?) So by the end of it we will have villages overrun with ginger kids with an exquisite fashion sense.
In this new world of gays and gingers however, there will still be prejudice, but not towards the usual suspects ( the set of survivors) no, the intolerance will pass onto the next generation, due to the ginger gene/curse being a recessive allelle, therefore any non ginger child will be prejudiced against. This will be down to the fact that ginger kids have suffered for generations due to their tangey-ness, and will be looking for some payback.

WE WILL BE EXACTLY HOW WE ARE NOW,ONLY WITH ROLE-REVERSAL!!!
This, coupled with the "bitchiness" of their gay leaders, will lead to the suicide of every non-ginger child ever concieved in this apocalyptic world, leading to the inevitable genocide of non gingers and the purity of the new "ayran race of orangeness"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed this final blog before my summer break.
I hope you're now all aware about the potential threat that is posed to our society if an Ebola virus ever does break out.
The world's not a shit place, but it could end soon....CAW XX

That Was Just Your Life

Oh Metallica, how I've missed you.
The same can be said for my blog, I've missed ranting, but I've been quite content at the moment, up until I saw George Osbournes face on Prime Ministers questions.
His face makes me so mad I want to punch a child in the face because of it. LOL JK I punch children anyway.
Which reminds me, bandwagons are, and will always be, shit!
Lately I've been running out of steam with the contents of my blog, and I think after my last blog I raged enough for several weeks worth.
Hence this very belated blog, written on a Tuesday afternoon :O

Watching the BBC news channel at the moment, and is hearing that the most deadly place in Afghanistan is being handed over from British control to American control. This is a good move, as everyone would prefer a dead American to a dead Brit (there, I said it)
The anniversary of 7/7 is today, and this is a topic that not even I'm sick enough to crack a funny on.
However, one subject I am willing to joke about, is Raoul Moat.
What a steroid addicted child beating cunt.
I'll explain this story in very simple terms

• This ginger brick shit house got into a bad ass roid rage and twatted a child
• He got arrested, and was given 18 weeks in prison
• He got out, and found out his ex bird had shacked up with the other bloke, who he thought was a police officer
• He got into another roid rage, turned green, said "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and shot his ex and the new boyfriend (the boyfriend then died, everyone say "awww")
• He then shot a copper, he lived (yay!)
• He then went on the run, and declared war on the police (I don't blame him, Sting is a right pretentious cunt)
• And now we're onto the present day, where countless rumours (mostly spawned by me ) have been circulating as to Moats whereabouts
  
• He's in Rothbury
• And Blyth, and Amble, and Seaton Delaval, and Birtley, and Longbenton.
• Allegedly

The Police have released an image of a man who they believe to be Moat, this was taken just outside of Rothbury:

"MOAT SMASH!!!!!!"

Another story I'm hearing on BBC news is that two gay asylum seekers have been granted asylum due to the fact that they would suffer persecution.
I think I'll just dodge this potential homophobic minefield right here.

Adverts - mainly, 5 gum
What is the point in having an advert where the only line in advertising is "How it feels to chew 5 gum" and then what follows it is a man lying on a giant pool of ball bearings whilst a heavy bassline kicks in. What does this say about the gum ? Does it have a heavy bassline ? Does it taste of balls ? or men ?
Why don't the makers of this gum just use the same line "How it feels to chew 5gum" and have the same man, in front of the camera, chew it, and go "mmm, that's quite nice"
"YOU'RE WASTING TAXPAYERS MONEY WITH YOUR NONSENSICAL ADVERTS YOU SET OF MONEY WASTING CUNTS!!!!!!!"
[/rage]
Another T.V anger point was tuning into the show "Being N- Dubz". All I understood from it is that 3 talentless cunts somehow got a record deal, and then because they were from some slums, they earned their own t.v show.
Here's an idea Channel 4, save money for this show by just having 3 graphic photos of knobs on it, because let's face it, that gives us an even better insight as to what "Being N-Dubz" is like.

End of rage, hope you enjoyed it, ish
The worlds not a shite place, but pointless T.V makes it seem that way. CAW XX

Know Your Enemy

"Do you know the enemy ? Do you know your enemy ? Well gotta know the enemy wahey"

Fuck it, I'm not going to bore you with details, I'll just head straight into what's boiled my piss this week. Politics, Tourists and southerners, and musical opinion.

Politics to start off with, and with The Conservative - Liberal Democrats coalition (now being named Con-Dem) now into it's second month of government, a lot of people were wondering what will be in the Chancellors budget. Well basically, the spongers get less benefits and private businesses get tax breaks. Same Tories, different decade.
Nick and "Dave" walked into Downing Street, and had a message for all the working classesInside Downing street Nick and Dave worked out how best to run the country, over tea, caviar, and the obligatory Conservative initiation ceremony known as "Felching". After this they decided to let Davids old Eton chum Osbourne a chance to have some fun and give him a chance to fist the commoners.
Upper Class Bum Boy wankers. This has been confirmed by my source inside Downing Street where it was reported that for every £1 The Conservatives increase in taxes, another £4 will be put into the male prostitution business. ( This source however needs to be verified, due to my sources' last bit of leaked information linking Lionel Messi with a multi pound move to Blyth Spartans)
I watched George Osbourne give the emegency budget today, and my hatred of him still hasn't diminished. Because to me, George Osbourne epitomises the Conservative party of today. What I mean is,his real name is Gideon.
Yes, you heard right, Gideon Osbourne, who changed his name so he would be seen as more approachable (or so he wouldn't get his head stoved in at Eton) Much like David Camerons "Just call me Dave" ploy.
After giving the emergency budget, George Osbourne went to a press conference, when asked what he thought about the working classes Gideon was quoted as saying this ;
Again, my source needs verification. (and google serf, because that photo is very funny. )

Went to London to see Green Day a few days ago (hence the title of this blog) and whilst the gig was as epic as I thought it would be, and more. London provided a stark contrast to what people think of it.
It's shit. I personally think this because it is made up of three of my least favourite groups of people :

• Southerners
• Americans
• And the French

The latter two being tourists
My reasons of destesting these groups of people are this.
Southerners - they are shandy drinking, wife beating soft bastards who can't take a bit of cold and who's world ends when a few inches of snow shows it's face (proven by the snow of early '10)

Americans - Fat, Stupid, Cunts, divided into two categories
The Redneck types - the KKK suporting, Coors light drinking,incest loving fuckers.
And the Civilised ones - However these are just as bad, as their lifestyle is one of suing everyone should they do something slightly wrong, like botch a vasectomy or sow their surgical gown to the patients anus.

Which leads me to my next bit about America - the BP oil spill, personally, whilst I think that it was British fault for this happening, it was as a direct consequence of the American Capitalist nature wanting more and more oil, but didn't want to invade another country for it, so it drove the oil rig to destruction.
However, the cynical side of my suggest that the U.S.A Government may have fixed the destruction of their property and arranged the deaths of some of their own people in exchange to salvage some oil from a organisation that wasn't theirs.
Much like they did with 9/11.
The French. A friend of mine once said about France "How could one country get it so right, but so wrong?"
After much deliberation I have decided that he is right.
I've thought about it for some time, and made a list about what I think he's referring to :

• French Society - It is a secular society, and removes all religious prejudices. However it is also a volatile society with riots taking place most of the time, and leaves Paris exactly how it was in the early 1940'2. In flames
  
• French Football - for every success of the team (such as the 98 & 06 World Cup) You will have the heartless surrenders of 02 and more recently, 2010.
• French Food - For every glorious pastry you will have cheese that tastes like it's came from Jacque Chiracs Bell End. And legs,'nuff said.
• French Language - French is the language of love, and I love hearing french women speak in it, however, when men speak there is a certain....let's call it "cuntishness" about the way they talk.
• French women - Beautiful, but don't shave. Anywhere.
• French passion - Apparently they're passionate, however I only see them as spineless surrender monkeys.
  

And finally, I was watching Scuzzs' top 40 21st century acts, Machine Head were top (fair enough) Second however, was Bring Me The Horizon.
Words can't really express just how much Scuzz disappointed me in this. But anyone with a vague knowledge in music will know that a bad fronted by a golden shower loving tattooed from head to toe girl is not the 2nd best band in the 21st century.

Rant over, hope you enjoyed this weeks, I actually made an effort and wrote some of my own jokes for this blog, rather than calling everyone cunts and raiding Sickipedia.
The world's not a shit place, it's just Gideon and tourists make it seem that way. CAW XX

Adieu

And that's the end of it.
No, not my blogs, sorry to dissapoint you all but they'll continue until I either A - Die, or B - find loving and eternal happiness with my fellow man.
So the more likely outcome is option A.
The "end " to which I'm referring to is the end of the college year for me
You may think, that whilst the worlds greatest sporting event is on, I'd find it hard to be hateful
You may also think, that after seeing AC/DC, crowdsurfing to Bullet For My Valentine and A Day To Remember, I would find no reason to show resentment to the world.
And you may finally think that given the fact I'm seeing Green Day in 6 days time, the future looks bright.

Well, on all accounts, you'd be wrong.

Let's face it, the world is still a pretty contemptuous place, with the main venom this week being attracted towards pensioners, and "The end"
Pensioners first. Some of them are great, in fact, there is a lot of good about pensioners. However, the ones who annoy me are the ones that think because their balls/tits go past their knees, the world should treat them differently
NO PENSIONERS!!!
You will be treat with the same way I treat every other human being. With contempt.
And if that pisses you off because "Young people today have no respect for their elders" you are probably wrong, because young people do have respect for their elders in the same way they respect other people. Earn it to get it.
You do not earn respect by being openly racist on public transport, and by pushing in the queue in greggs, and by showing the basic human decency of letting someone through in a queue in first freeze when all they have is a can of pop and the pensioner has an entire weeks worth of shopping, subsequently making them late to his lesson
Old people should be smothered as soon as they become one of "those" type of pensioners, aka the complaining ones who are just frankly rude to other people.



On a just as depressing note, my exams finished the other day, and whilst that in itself was a happy note, it made me think about most of the people who I won't see through the holidays. Bad times. Especially when a lot of the friends I've made at college are absolutely top drawer.
It takes me back to my last year at Blyth Community College. I made some of the most influential friends I ever thought possible, friends who brought me out my shell, friends who turned me into the horrically offensive excuse for a human being I am now. And friends who I've left behind.
And friends who I haven't seen, in some cases, in a year. Now this is pretty shit for me, seeing as how I consider them pretty big influences in my personality.
And now the same will be for my college mates, only not as big of a gap. This, will suck more than Jodie Marsh on a first date. Coupled with the fact I will inevitably drop a subject where I have really good mates in.
The whole point of the blog is to say that the things in life which are (to me, this week) fucking shit, are pensioners and bidding adieu to people.
To end this blog, I'm not going to use my usual phrase. I'll end it with this.
I may slag BCC off, but I spent 3 years of my life there, and will always miss most of the friends I made there, whether they hate me these days or not.
CAW XX
P.s - Rob Green would still be my number 1, every keeper makes mistakes. And if I hear a vuvuzela in Blyth I will find the owner, bend him over a bench, pull his pants down and stick that fecking trumpet up his arse, and let his farts blow the bastarding thing next time.

Labyrinth

Well, it looks like the end is nigh for our friends here.
He's finding it hard to keep his head, especially with that girl screaming in his ear
We've gotta ask ourselves, do they deserve this ?
It's a minute to make your mind up o clock, speak now or forever hold your peace.


Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Used generally at weddings, although in this blog, the usage of the phrase will be about holding your tongue and bitching.


We'll start off with something I know I wanted t talk about, then hopefully the hatred and resentment for society will spill out of me like blood from an ebola victim.
Formsprings - I can understand the initial attraction of wanting one, anonymity means that people will not be scared of the reprecussions of saying "I would do unspeakable things to you" meaning the writer of the statement would not be embarassed, whilst the recipient would get a compliment
HOWEVER, Newtons third law of Motion comes into play here
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This isn't just true for motion, I believe that society has this, a lot like Karma.
So for every nice comment on these formsprings, you will always get one person going "You're gay...................you fucking sicken me" (only with poorer grammar, as homophobic people generally have a looser grasp on the english language)
People with formspring accounts these days generally do confuse me quite a bit, as they've seen what some people have had done to them ( Like my girlfriends best friend, and a gay lad in my history class). So why have an account when you know people are just going to attempt to make your day shit ?
I mean howay!?!?, making your life seem shit is my job ;)
The next bit of my blog was about an argument I got into over music, but then I had a epiphany, and the realisation I'm not going to be petty and bitch about someone in a blog, after I have just slagged off people for being cunts online when they dont have the balls to say it

The phrase at the start of the blog is a phrase which rings true to me.
Speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Basically, say whatever is on your mind, because if you hold back, you'll regret it yourself
and it you say something harsh without making your identity known, you're a coward.

The reason this blog isn't as hate filled as normal, is because I've discovered something rare for me. Happiness.
This holiday has been epic, here's a quick list about what I got up to.

• Ive basked in the sun eating chinese food with my girlfriend
• I've witnessed the best unsigned band I've ever seen
• I've been at a barbeque in the sun with a beer in one hand and a reggae reggae burger in the other
• I've seen old friends
• I've made new friends
• There was even a bear
  

(Awful joke, I'm aware of that, sorry :P )
I even did a bit of revision :O

Basically.The world, for once, is a good place.
Sorry for the lack of cynicism, but I just dont feel hateful today
CAW xx

Anarchy In The U.K

*WARNING, LONG BLOG AHEAD!!*

I am an Antichrist.
I am an Anarchist
Dont know what I want, and I know how to get it
I wanna destroy, the passer by

This weeks blog - fascism and political extremes

The passers by being, in this case. Immigrants.
Not by me, nononononon. But by our good friends, you know them, I know them, the Muslims know them. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up, for the
ENGLISH
DEFENCE
LEEEEEEAAAAGUE!!!!
Well, anyone who is familiar with the city of Newcastle will have known that there was protests on this Saturday between the EDL and Unite Against Fascism.
It was all a bit daft, seeing as how the EDL are an extreme right wing group of football hooligans and racists looking for a bit of a fight.
and UAF are a group of uber hippies looking to stop them by any means necessary.
This is the part I dont understand is this, the UAF are doing whatever they can to stop the EDL promoting fascism, by holding protests, marches, etc. However, isn't this a little bit fascist in itself, in the sense that by stopping peoples freedom of speech to the point where they are not allowed to broadcast their own (totally fucked up and racist) views.
However, this protest on Saturday was immense, I've never seen so many police officers and vans in my entire life. It was at the point where I thought things were really going to get out of hand, so I read this missus the riot act "If it kicks off, you're getting to a metro station straight away, no questions"

Fortunately the march had ended, and so were safe for the time being.
Then, I overheard someone say "blah blah, what we're doing is right, we're protecting the English culture"
At this point I wanted to turn around and point out that we have been invaded by several civilisations

• The Romans
  
• The Vikings
• Anglo Saxons
• Normans
  

And the Countries that have invaded us are even larger

• Italy ( Romans)
• Germans (Anglo Saxons)
• Denmark (A.S)
• Netherlands (A.S)
• Denmark AGAIN -This time it was those damn vikings
• Norway - Vikings
• France - Normans
  

So you see, this "English Culture" is a myth.

We are not the Ayran race.
We are the Bastardised spawn of anyone who was successfully able to conquer us.

Oh, and finally, watched a documentary about the EDL whilst doing my research for this blog, came across these lovely screenshots for you all.
Bearing in mind, the EDL are trying to promote the fact that they are a "Peaceful organisation" This to me, highlights the distinct difference between EDL supporters and general strong left wing believers.
Do these people look well educated to you ?? Didn't think so.
Neither did the people doing the marches on Saturday, and neither did the ones overheard in Newcastle.
Whereas left wing views will generally be from students. Students who are continuing their education to a high degree, and know how the world works, and that immigration, in small doses, is a good thing
Want proof of the EDL's beautiful grasp of grammar* and intelligence, here's the next photo for you.

*I'm aware my grammar or punctuation isn't perfect, but it's relatively intelligent.
Yes ladies and gents "Far right piece of coward commie bastard."
A- Far right - UAF is a left wing party
B- Coward - this man is the head of UAF, and whilst I disagree with extremism in any form, he at least attends some protests
C - The grammar in his insult = fail.

And finally, the statement of "Coward" given to the bloke just above, here is the "Courageous" members of the EDL doing what they do bestYeah, they call this bloke a coward, yet refuse to show their full faces. Hypocrites.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, sorry for the lack of humour, but this was a politcal party broadcast from the Kill it with fire party
Till then.
The world's not a bad place, extremists just make it look that way CAW XX

Famous Last Words

Yes, I was listening to MCR. And I'm as ashamed of myself as you all are of me.
Following last weeks blog aimed at one seperate subculture of society (Charvers) I've found that one long non-sensical rant seems to get the approval of most of the people reading my blogs.
In this blog, I think I'll aim my blog/rant/muttering at the media.

Let's begin.
Last week, Lord Triesman (the head of the F.A) was caught saying that he believes Spain and Russia would bribe referees in the world cup. This was caught by a woman (Insert mysogynistic comment here) who had an alleged affair with Triesman. Where does this link to the media?? I hear you say, well. The Daily Fascism, woops, sorry, I mean Daily Mail paid this woman £75,000 to entrap this bloke, and to publish the story.

This woman and right wing rag could cost the British Economy 3 billion pound

This is because the English FA are trying to launch a bid to host the 2018 world cup, and since the (then ) head of the English Football Association. And having someone accuse another competitor of corruption is quite a serious business.
Could the Daily Mail keep this to themselves, could they fuck.
They decided to publish this article, to sell a few more papersto a few more bigots (oh no, I called someone a bigot, watch the media string me up.)
In publishing this they may have lost England the hosting of the world cup, which would have brought 3 billion pound in from the revenue.
Well done, you racist,bigoted, treacherous set of national traitors.

Next up
The Sun
Rant not needed, we all know it's shit.

And finally
Sky News, owned by the ever cuntish Rupert Murdoch. As usual, a typically right wing biased source of "information". A generally unprofessional organisation (I mean how competent can you be, when Eamonn Holmes fronts one of your flagship broadcasts, fucking Manc Pikey Bastard)
And yes, my blogs are biased, but that's only because I'm an amateur blogger, and allowed to be partial
Observe,
THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY ARE FUCKING CUNTS AND WILL TAKE BRITAIN BACK INTO A RECESSION

:D

But, I did enjoy how a Labour politician made the Conservative political broadcaster of sky news rage like a mutherfucker the day after the election.
Observe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZm5cm0ZtL4

He madddddd :D
Right, bored of this now, been a pretty boring day. Not helped by the frankly shit Champions League final
The worlds not a shit place, Right wing media make it seem that way
CAW xx

The Poison.

This was not the original title I wanted to name this blog.
I initially wanted to title this blog as "Charvers are illiterate fucking cunts" but thought that was too stereotypical (that and the fact I was unable to find a song that was remotely close to this choice)
If you have been reading my Facebook ( Which to be fair, is where most of my blogs get linked) You will know that this weeks blog is about the social lowlife that is, Charvers.
These socially inept waste of space are living proof that, in the long run, spunk is sometimes better swallowed.
However, since making stereotypes is apparently wrong, I now feel obligated to say that there may be some good charvers out there, there is hope that natural selection will shine on them and hopefully create a small brood of mini-charvs that contribute to society and help old ladies across the road, without forcefully taking money off them.
Somehow, I doubt it though.

NOWWWW, IT'S TIME, FOR THE MAAAAAAAIIIIIIN EVENTTTTTTTT !!!!!

On the bus back from Newcastle, I was atop of a double decker bus, and since all the "good seats" were taken (the front ones and the back ones), I decided to stick with the social norm and found a seat which was away from everyone else.The back seats of the bus were taken up by three people.
These people.
Were Charvers.
The names are irrelevant. But the decision to sit at the back was without a doubt, one of the best decisions I had made in my entire bus journey back to Blyth.
The blog will now consist of extracts from the conversations by the Dolewalling bastards. If you do not like it. Click away onto porn or something else just as worthwhile. If you like laughing at people who are medically fine, but intellectually, a bit "lacking" then sit back, pull up a nice comfortable sitting position, and enjoy.

These Conversations extracts are as true as I can remember, with the amount of offensive language being as close to 100% accurate.

Man known in this blog, as Curtis (roughly 22 years old)-"Where's me fucking phone"
Woman known as Crystal ( Who still had a school uniform on, so at most, 16 Y.O) " I dont know where your fucking phone is"
Curtis - You fucking do, I fucking gave it to you, you fucking daft cunt
Cry - No you fucking didn't, so shut the fuck up
Cur -Dont you fucking start !!
Cry - I'm not fucking starting.
Cur -Dont you fucking start, I gave you my phone
Cry- I'm not fucking starting, No you fucking didn't
*This goes on for about 5 minutes, the language getting increasingly blue*
Silence..........
Curtis - Found me phone, it was in me back pocket.


10 minutes later
Crystal - I can do what I want, I've got the fucking money (bearing in mind she is a 16 Year Old schoolgirl
Curtis - Don't fucking bullshit, no you dont.
Crystal -..................................Me Mams got the money.

Who says charvers are spongers :O ??

Ten Minutes later
Curtis - Who you fucking texting ?
Crystal - Me Ma
Cur - Are ye fuck man
Cry - Yes I fucking am. Here, look *Shows Cuntis the phone*
Cur - Whey, how do I know this is it, you could've deleted it as soon as I asked (bearing in mind he snapped mere seconds after she got the text)
Cry - I fucking doubt it.
Cur - Whey I can't see your phone from there, you fucking spakkaaaaa

*At this point the third charver on the bus makes his voice heard, sort of.*
Chrisssssyy - Haaawhawwwwwwww (you all know the Charver laugh that I'm on about.)
Cur - If you're texting Jess again...
Cry - I'm not fucking texting Jess,besides, she's me mate anyway
Cur -If I ever see you with Jess, I'll fucking twat you.

Charvers- Domestically abusing girlfriends 5 years their juniors since 2010

Oh, And when driving past a First School, the quiet Charver decided to shout
"AHA, ST PAULS CATHOLIC SCHOOL, FUCKING SCUM, ****** IS BETTER!!!!"
This insult was shouted, at a first school. Yes ladies and gents, a Man, who looked about early 20's was mocking, a First School.
A Fecking First School.
I thought School rivalries went out of the window when your balls dropped ?.
And finally, the last extract of the worlds most hilarious bus journey.
The bus stop finally came , where the Twattish Trio finally left our "glorious" public transport system. It was then that I finally saw them. The two lads were dressed exactly how I'd expect a twenty year old Charver to dress.

• Adidas classis hoodies (both of them)
• Tattered jeans
• And one of them was even clutching a half empty Lambrini bottle

Classy.

And as they finally went downstairs, the swearing continued. Still as classy as ever, referring to each other as "fucking cunts" and it was at this point a man, who's name and face I will never know, did somethine which has given me a little bit of hope in the human race:

Random Bloke - Excuse me mate, can you tone down your language, I've got a bairn here who doesn't need to hear it
Cuntis - WHAAAT?!?!?!, I'm not fucking doing anything you stupid twat
Random - You are, you're swearing lots in front of my little'un
Cuntis - Fuck off (as he walks towards the bloke)

* It was at this point a scuffle broke out, and as I did not have a good look, I can only assume that Curtis was finally twatted, as when he got off the bus, he had a lovely red mark on his face :) *
The Charvers then retreated to their lovely little council houses, whilst making threatening gestures to the bloke who just wanted to keep his bairn away from the social scum that are Charvers.
I think this just about covers it. I hope you all enjoyed the Adventures of Curtis and Crystal.
And one or two final message to charvers.
"Over there is a fire, I suggest you go and die in it"
And my personal favourite
"Why don't you go and do something useful with your life. Like end it."
The Worlds not a shit place, it's just that Charvers make it seem that way CAW XX