January
Was pretty much a blur for me, (And no, not related to alcohol) in that I literally couldn't give a fuck about went on. Tried researching it but it turns out the early months of a yearare about as interesting as an Brothel in a Convent. The Arab spring started with Tunisian market vendor Mohamed Bouazizi sending a statement that the people of the Arab worlds were no longer going to take repression, his statement - Setting himself on fire. In public.
Give a man a fire, he is warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Also, we saw Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres switch clubs for a combined 85 million pounds. Only for both moves to fail miserably. I haven't seen such a waste of money for two shit subs since I saw the Government decide to share our defenses with The French !
February
I lost my beautiful flowing locks, and decided to get something a bit more "employable" (Cue insults of selling out) Well yes that you, I did. And it's fucking brilliant, I went from this
To this
Good choice I think. Meanwhile in the rapidly escalating Arab spring the resignation of Hosni Mubarak in Cairo brought joy to the people when they found out he had walked................Like an Egyptian (I'm ashamed at myself for actually writing that). Also started playing rugby. So for a sport I've been playing for almost 12 months now I have.........2 starts. Can't wait for my 6 nations debut !
March - The Japanese Tsunami hit killing thousands, tearing infrastructure, devastating a country. But most importantly - giving me a few hours to kill on Sickipedia in college.The UN emergency council vote passed to bomb Libya, sorry, did I say bomb, I meant liberate. What the emergency council basically said was "Gadaffi, you're not allowed to drop bombs in the country you rule. Here ! We'll do it for you ! (I may be taking a few of these statements out of context.)
April Brought us the Royal Wedding. A coming together of our incestuous lizard family in human skin* and the "Commoner" who is so common her parents are self made millionaires and put each one of their kids through private school for the price of a quarter of a million. Each. That fact was actually tough to find because when I searched for "Middleton family assets" it came up with this
Now I've worked out. Pippa is a definite BFB (Better from behind) and Kate is definitely beautiful, but doesn't seem to have much of a figure. SO - if we could literally split the Middletons in half, vertically. So that we have Pippa's back half, and Kates middle half. We'd have a perfect woman. And theoretically one less middle class person in the world,
* (But I am implying it)
May the first brought about the death of the worlds most evil man with Bin Laden finally getting some form of retribution. However the fact that after 10 years, Billions of Dollars, thousands dead in terrorist attacks and unjustified invasions, they found Bin Laden. In his house. Who'd have thought it ?! May also saw the arrest of Ratko Mladić and the world rejoiced as an evil man was brought to justice for the first time in.......Oh. Shit.
Fuck all happened in June. I finished college. If you think I've missed anything important email it to me at Idontgiveafuck@anytimeofthe.day
July -The worlds 2nd artificial organ transplant was successfully performed. (The first being the successful insertion of a Big Blue fist up Nick Cleggs arsehole, I finally justified my existence as a brother by getting my sister tickets for Amy Winehouse. I felt like a fool when I realised she'd died........Even more so when I realised Amy Winehouse had too ! Anders Breivik shot up a camp in Norway killing dozens. But more importantly allowing Newspapers like The Daily Mail and Daily Express run headlines along the lines of " Oslo terrorist is an anti-Muslim extremist who posts lunatic right-wing nonsense on the Internet. " Can't help but feel a small tinge of irony.
August - was a busy month. Not for the Battle of Tripoli, nor is it for the 8th August UK Riots, or Demba Ba finally embarking on his first goal since Ramadan (although it's a close second) But my A Level results. Which allowed me to successfully plan the next 3 years of my life. Champion. Tripoli fell to the Rebels in a bloody civil war that had raged for 6 months. The U.K thought that it ought to show its support for the burning capital of Libya by creating.........A burning Capital of England ? There are far too many fucked up photos and videos that I can laugh at for me to post them. However you're all entitled to look for them. The phrase "shitting in your own nest" does spring to mind though
September - I moved Chester, and discovered the worst thing you can do to an 18 year old lad away from his girlfriend is give him a netbook, free unlimited wifi, and enough money to buy lots of toilet roll.
October - Steve Jobs died of liver failure, and proved that an Apple a day certainly doesnt keep the doctors away. Gaddaf was killed hiding in a tunnel leading to a sewer. 6 months after they were called "Sewer Rats" by Gadaffi for opposing him. Irony isn't wasted on him I see.... Well, it is now seeing as he isn't around to hear it anymore. And with that the "liberators" of Libya David Cameron, Barack Obama and Nikolas Sarkozy were all promised by the new rules that they would not be forgotten for their help (I'm just going to point out that Libya is rich in oil.)
"Spend a penny, gain a pound"
That's all I'm gonna say
November - In November we mourn the loss of three legends. A former inspiration to me, Gary Speed, a former inspiration to me Joe Frazier, and a current inspiration to me, Silvio Berlusconi left office after 17 years, although we shouldn't be surprised, he has shown that he doesn't do anything over 18 years at the best of times !
December - Socrates, another inspiration to me. Passed away, a sportsman who drank more than his fair share of alcohol, but showed up on the pitch and gave his all. We should all aspire to be him
Kim Jong Il died, showing that there is a chance of the existence of Team America. Although with the sudden heart attack in unexpectedly brings the curtain down on his Korea (see what I did there ;) ) and let Kim Jong Un, a man that barely looks like he could run a bath by himself let alone a country. He looks like the little special kid who is given a "special medal" at the end of sports day as compensation for being a squidgy faced retard. It looks like a pug. No features jutting out, a big jowely face, and the pain expression of someone who's just ran into a fucking wall !
All in all, another year of rants all covered now. Hopefully I'll return to full time blogging if people irritate me. Which let's face it, is more often than not. I'm debating deleting my tumblr, because it is full of faggots that flick their beans over whatever band has the latest hair straighteners or tattoos.
Till then. Stay classy.
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