Monday, 19 July 2010

Downfall Of Us All

*All of this blog will be written in jest and only a fool would take it as my own beliefs and serious opinions*

Well, basically, I've got nothing to rant about properly, so I am officially taking a summer break
*Pauses to hear dozens of people cheer*
So for my last blog for a few weeks I thought I'll give you all something nice to think about.
The end of the world.
This was a theory that me and an old school friend discussed way back, 2 years ago. When we discovered the Ebola Virus. For those who don't know, I shall give you an extract to the information from the "Ebola Facebook Page"


"Ebola is a disease found in mainland Africa, deep in jungles. The first symptoms of ebola are a high fever and extreme muscular pains in the head and back. After this the patient becomes inable to leave the bed due to the extreme pain caused by the disease destroying connective tissues in the muscles. Next the virus spreads to all the internal organs and begins to literally liquify them except from the liver, which it turns into a giant ball of blood clot. The patient then begins to vomit blood along with liquified parts of organ and blood begins to leak from every orrifice in the body including the genitalia and (if you're female) the nipples. The lining of the gut then becomes distatched and is passed through the anus along with a lot of blood. The virus then begins attacking the connective tissue in the skin and the skin begins to tear off in large chunks. The patient then suffers painful and uncontrollable convulsions of the body followed by blood leaking violently from the mouth and anus. Finally necrosis sets in and the patient begins to rot up to 3 days before finally dying. The disease is particularly violent in pregnant woman causing spontaneous abortion of the child who is born showing symptoms that they died of ebola. The mother then dies from uncontrollable blood loss from the cervix. This disease is 100% real and has a mortality rate of around 90-92%. The first place the worst strain of this disease struck was at a nun missionary in Yambuku, Zaire (Now Democratic Republic Of Congo). Where is your god now?"ebola is spread through direct contact with blood or other bodily secretion of infected people. This close proximity infection, makes outbreaks among small communities and families very common. Infection can also be caused through contact with contaminated medical equipment such as needles, glassware, no sterile equipment, or careless lab procedures.

This got me and my friend thinking, what would happen if Ebola broke out and infected the world, akin to a "dawn of the dead" type virus??

Well this is how the Ebola Doomsday Theory started, and until recently lay dormant in my warped mind, until Andrew Herridge decided to help me develop the theory.
The initial thought of the virus is that it kills 9/10 people.
Also, at this time, the rate of homosexuality in people was about 1/10
This cannot be a coincidence, so surely the ones who survive ebola must be gay.
So this with that logic ebola will wipe out most of the heterosexual humans in this planet.
The theory then developed into "ebola is the type of disease that is so horrific, it attacks your soul first"
This led me and Herridge into the next survivors of the Ebola virus.
Gingers.
These people will not be killed due to the fact they do not have souls to begin with, therefore the virus cannot be fully effective on them. So the only hope of reproducing in this virus destroyed world will be ginger kids. Oh dear.
As the gay people will not reproduce, they will have no responsibility to families, and will therefore be appointed as "village" leaders in the slowly rebuilding world, due to the fact they will not have any other committments.
So the villages will be led by their leaders (chances are they'll want to be like a monarchy, so may I suggest calling them Queens? Or has that already been taken?) So by the end of it we will have villages overrun with ginger kids with an
exquisite fashion sense.
In this new world of gays and gingers however, there will still
be prejudice, but not towards the usual suspects ( the set of survivors) no, the intolerance will pass onto the next generation, due to the ginger gene/curse being a recessive allelle, therefore any non ginger child will be prejudiced against. This will be down to the fact that ginger kids have suffered for generations due to their tangey-ness, and will be looking for some payback.

WE WILL BE EXACTLY HOW WE ARE NOW,ONLY WITH ROLE-REVERSAL!!!
This, coupled with the "bitchiness" of their gay leaders, will lead to the suicide of every non-ginger child ever concieved in this apocalyptic world, leading to the inevitable genocide of non gingers and the purity of the new "ayran race of orangeness"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed this final blog before my summer break.
I hope you're now all aware about the potential threat that is posed to our society if an Ebola virus ever does break out.
The world's not a shit place, but it could end soon....CAW XX

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

That Was Just Your Life

Oh Metallica, how I've missed you.
The same can be said for my blog, I've missed ranting, but I've been quite content at the moment, up until I saw George Osbournes face on Prime Ministers questions.
His face makes me so mad I want to punch a child in the face because of it. LOL JK I punch children anyway.
Which reminds me, bandwagons are, and will always be, shit!
Lately I've been running out of steam with the contents of my blog, and I think after my last blog I raged enough for several weeks worth.
Hence this very belated blog, written on a Tuesday afternoon :O

Watching the BBC news channel at the moment, and is hearing that the most deadly place in Afghanistan is being handed over from British control to American control. This is a good move, as everyone would prefer a dead American to a dead Brit (there, I said it)
The anniversary of 7/7 is today, and this is a topic that not even I'm sick enough to crack a funny on.
However, one subject I am willing to joke about, is Raoul Moat.
What a steroid addicted child beating cunt.
I'll explain this story in very simple terms
  • This ginger brick shit house got into a bad ass roid rage and twatted a child
  • He got arrested, and was given 18 weeks in prison
  • He got out, and found out his ex bird had shacked up with the other bloke, who he thought was a police officer
  • He got into another roid rage, turned green, said "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and shot his ex and the new boyfriend (the boyfriend then died, everyone say "awww")
  • He then shot a copper, he lived (yay!)
  • He then went on the run, and declared war on the police (I don't blame him, Sting is a right pretentious cunt)
  • And now we're onto the present day, where countless rumours (mostly spawned by me ) have been circulating as to Moats whereabouts
  • He's in Rothbury
  • And Blyth, and Amble, and Seaton Delaval, and Birtley, and Longbenton.
  • Allegedly
The Police have released an image of a man who they believe to be Moat, this was taken just outside of Rothbury:

Another story I'm hearing on BBC news is that two gay asylum seekers have been granted asylum due to the fact that they would suffer persecution.
I think I'll just dodge this potential homophobic minefield right here.

Adverts - mainly, 5 gum
What is the point in having an advert where the only line in advertising is "How it feels to chew 5 gum" and then what follows it is a man lying on a giant pool of ball bearings whilst a heavy bassline kicks in. What does this say about the gum ? Does it have a heavy bassline ? Does it taste of balls ? or men ?
Why don't the makers of this gum just use the same line "How it feels to chew 5gum" and have the same man, in front of the camera, chew it, and go "mmm, that's quite nice"
"YOU'RE WASTING TAXPAYERS MONEY WITH YOUR NONSENSICAL ADVERTS YOU SET OF MONEY WASTING CUNTS!!!!!!!"
[/rage]
Another T.V anger point was tuning into the show "Being N- Dubz". All I understood from it is that 3 talentless cunts somehow got a record deal, and then because they were from some slums, they earned their own t.v show.
Here's an idea Channel 4, save money for this show by just having 3 graphic photos of knobs on it, because let's face it, that gives us an even better insight as to what "Being N-Dubz" is like.

End of rage, hope you enjoyed it, ish
The worlds not a shite place, but pointless T.V makes it seem that way. CAW XX