Hearts burst into fire

This blog is dedicated to Olivia Sharp.

"What have the romans ever done for us??"
"The Aquaducts"
"Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true. "
"And the sanitation! "
"All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done... "
"And the roads.."
"Well yes obviously the roads... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads... "
"Irrigation... Medicine... Education... Health..."
"Yes... all right, fair enough..."
"Public baths! And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now."
"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us? "
"Brought peace! "
"shut up! "

The point of this bit of dialogue from the Life of Brian, is that you shouldn't really bring up the question of what a Government has done for you. For reasons that have been demonstrated in the dialogue above.

As we know, the General election is right around the corner (the corner being the 5th of may, the election being the 6th) and there are many people who are taking an altruistic view on this election, a "can't be arsed, someone else will do it" view. To them, I say one thing....
Well done.
No, seriously, you'll be very proud of yourself to know that your vote has not gone in opposition of a party you know will have a very dire effect on the way you live your life. Your laziness was your undoing, congratulations.Cunts.
I'm aware that my blog is read by predominantly 17 year old people, and as such, aren't allowed to vote. Mainly, because my blog is written by a 17 year old. So seeing as I cannot vote, I find myself having to offer unbiased views on all of the parties. So, here goes :
Labour : To say they've grown stale in an understatement, they seem a party unable to offer any sort of PR with Gordon Brown at the helm, choosing instead to offer the great British public the truth.However, the truth is this, the country has just recovered from a major recession (apparently, personally I didn't notice anything, other than having to fire one butler, and only play croquet once a week). A recession that Labour has partly caused, but the same recession which labour got us out of quite well. Gordon Brown is a lifeless Jock bastard , and is out of touch with the current British public (most press say that he cannot see what is infront of his face due to him being out of touch.However, I think the fact he can't always see what's in front of his face is the fact that he only has one good eye)However, they are the only realistic party against the tories, so any Conservative hater will probably go here.

Gordon Brown: more scared of an election than an eight-year-old Chinese prostitute.


Conservative : Well then, Labour has finally ballsed up after 13 years, so here is where the vote of the angry voter will go to. However it may be a case of "better the devil you know, than the devil you dont" Seeing a Mr Cameron is an Eton Tutored, Thatcherite, which will cut taxes (this may sound good, but to cut taxes, he will have to reduce public spending, and therefore reduce the GDP and devalue this country. David William Donald Cameron (or Dave, as he wants to be known to us commoners) will also try to gain the support of the working class. I shall put this into analogy

" Mark is an executive of a large, multi national corporation, he has just been given a promotion to become the CEO of this large national corporation. He decides that it would be good for him to visit his office workers, in the hope that they will all go to his christmas party, however, due to the fact that Mark was able to inherit alot of money from his parents and had allegations that he only got into the executive board on account of who he knows, his office workers despise him. The workers then go on strike, forcing Mark to become miserable and lose his job to Gordon, a miserable, yet hard working Scotsman."
oh, and the posh Tory twat is in the back pocked of Lord Ashcroft, so if he won he would be just a humble puppet.
Liberal Democrats : Nick Clegg, the dark horse of this, he campaigns for "real change" in this election, this "change" of which he speaks of, is

• No cuts in national spending (great)
• tax breaks on most families (wait a moment, wont these two cause quite a large budget deficit having just come out of a recession?)
• Embracing the EU (great)
• Embracing the EU's plan to reduce the Nuclear warhead total (wait a moment, wont these two cause the EU, namely Britain, to become weaker in the eyes of a world currently getting more and more "nuked up"
  
  Nick Clegg has also allegedly slept with over 30 women, great for someone with no political aspirations, but when you're running for PM office, is that really what you want to be getting used about you
  "Nick, sir, what do you think about the economic growth"
  "Well miss Jones, I dont know about economic growth, but by god you're giving me some growth right now"
  Please dont sue me for defamation meester Clegg, I want to make it 31 with you :(
  
  I have quite frankly, bitchslapped these politicians who are probably my superior in pretty much every way, but I've found that my anger is giving people a good laugh, and since politicians get it from the press anyways, what's a shitty little blog read by 12 people going to do ?
  Till then, if you have the power to vote, choose wisely.
  If not, appreciate the humour to this blog, because I bloody well tried with this one (and it's still a bit meh ish )
  till then, remember that
  The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. xx CAW
  

Aces High

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender


This speech makes me proud to be English.
Other things which make me proud to be English, Our love for football, Our discontent for something which only ever ends up in us grumbling at it "grrr, global warming, grr"

This blog is going to be a bit of a deviation to my norm (which apparently, was too much like Russell Howards Good News)
This blog will be about circumstances that no one person can change. Politics, the Climate, and Religion.
First up, Religion - Went to Durham on some day which is irrelavant to you all. Ended up going to the Cathedral (beautiful place, for it's architecture)

However, once I was inside, I began feeling instantly uncomfortable, (Kinda felt like an atheist in a cathedral :/ , oh wait...) The priests were literally, EVERYWHERE, So I got to the stained glass windows, where I hear a priest preaching to these Chinese tourists and this statement caught my attention " There is peace by following god. In the beginning of the church ...."I lost interest at this point, now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the church responsible for attempting to kill another religion in itself (pagans) and used the facade of them being "devil worshippers". Was this, or was this not ?... The same religion that taxed english peasants to levels where the families starved in the name of "their religion" ? Oh, and there were far too many priests in there for my liking. Trying to ram their religion down peoples throats (Their catholic counterparts ram something down other peoples throats too, but that's another story...)

Religion ? Peaceful ?
Like fuck.A bunch of sinister bastards one and all.

Climate - Ash, fucking up planes, I say we let all the planes fly, and see which pilots are good enough to avoid the ash clouds, it's a win win, natural selection on the part of the pilots, a few thousand shaved off the world population total, and more money being donated to fuck knows how many charities. My sympathies for the families that have metaphorically died, but they shouldn't have been taking the chance of flying in the first place.GOD, how stupid of them....(which links back to my natural selection theory.)

And Politics, namely, the debate that took place on Thursday - I'll sum this up in a few sentences
Clegg - He wont get in, however I'm becoming more and more impressed with him, And he will have a big say when we inevitably have our hung Parliament. (not literally, although getting rid of them and starting over would be good in my opinion)
Brown - Yes, his tenure hasn't been littered with many successes, but maybe he is the better option for the working classes (which I am, as is the majority of the readers of this "blog" ) tbf, I personally feel he is the better choice for this election, then maybes Vote Clegg in at the 2014/15 election, as the lib dems will have sufficiently caught up.
Cameron - Tory + Working class = Anal ravaging for my family, I feel all that needs to be said about him has been said. Oh, and George Osbourne is an odeous little cunt/cretin.

I think that's me finished for now.

Till then,
The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. :) xx CAW

Laaaaaaayla

"You got me on my Knees"
An Eric Clapton song, Or what my uncle makes me say to him on a frighteningly regular basis.You decide.

A fairly happy week/ 10 days since my last blog came and went, and then came again.In your ear.
However, people dont want to know about happiness, they want to know exactly how the world is shit.
Well, first off, Ricky Martin announced in the news that he is gay. ( I think the bigger surprise would be if he announced if he was straight.)
He claims that he is "Proud to be a gay man" (Yeah, that's why it took you 10 Years to make it public, you media hungry cunt.)

Elsewhere in the news, the Catholic Church has been done for some more child abuse, only this time, it's(The head of the Catholic Church) Pope Benedict covering up the abuse, now I dont know about the laws in the Vatican City, however I do know that under most EU laws, that's obstruction of justice, and provides a decent jail time, but oh?? what's this ?? Because he's the head of a Religion he's immune from charges ? How coincidental, I think I'll invent a religion, become the head of it, and allow a relative of mine to touch some kids up ( the Popes brother is the one he's covering for btw kiddies) and cover it up, safe in the knowledge that I can't be tried.Fucking hypocrites.


Hmm, Oh yeah, Bandwagon groups- Seriously, why ? just why ? why join a group you chuckle at when it's in vogue? And then join a group five minutes later that's practically the same in pretty much every way , such as :

• It'll have the same overall message
• A similar photo
• And a similar longevity ( a month, tops)

I mean, yes, I'm aware that it's other peoples choice, but they're shit. Half of them dont even make you laugh, you just join them because it's the current thing.
Right, there's my usual three of "what's shit with the world." Now for something new and unusual for my blogs....Optimism

Lewis Stephenson Put 60p in a vending machine on Monday, and what he got out of it was

• A Kit Kat Chunky
• A packet of crisps
  
• Two four finger Kit Kats
• And his 60 p back
  

What happened was, some poor sap put 60p into the vending machine, but didn't get it back, Lewis comes along, presses for his crisps , and that comes out, along with 3 kit kats,of different shapes and sizes, as well as his 60p. His win inspired me.
Till next time remember that.. "The worlds not a bad place, I just make it seem that way"