The Truth About Margaret Thatcher

***DISCLAIMER - THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN IN JEST, AND ONLY A FOOL WOULD TAKE WHAT WRITTEN AS TRUTH ***

Right. Here we go, the truth about the "Iron Lady" "Maggie the Milk Snatcher" or if you're from the North-East "Lucifer"
I shall now use my expert research and own totally unbiased opinion to gauge a judgement about the political enigma that is Mrs Margaret Thatcher.
In 1925, Margaret Hilda Roberts was born, but to who ? Alfred and Beatrice Roberts may well be on her birth certificate. But there is a little known fact as to her true heritage.
In 1923. The National Socialist Workers Party (NSDAP) were in turmoil after having a forced revolution in Munich. The leaders who were tried were imprisoned. Namely, one Adolf Hitler.
Adolf Hitler was released from prison on the 20th of December 1924. He wasted no time in reforming his old Nazi party. With renewed efforts on winning power via democracy.

He set about winning power in Germany, with the intent of establishing Germany as a world power. So to do this, he assembled like minded individuals with that same dream of fascism and the destruction of a true democracy.
He knew Britain would not agree with his views, so he began to form plots as to how to overthrow it, once he eventually took power in 1933. So he got his top secret scientists to create artificial human beings (the first ever recorded use of a test tube/designer baby) and bred them with his fascist ideals. The first and currently only successful humanoid subject (as Silvio Berlusconi was also part of this project, but went defective in these latter years)

And so Thatcher was born on October 13th, 6 months after Project "Weltanschauung" (world view) was deemed to have gotten off the ground.

Project MT was instigated over the space of 14 years, until the outbreak of World War II, during this time she was airdropped into Allied Territory of Finchley, where she stayed until winning her seat in the General Election of 1959, staying under the radar of the allies so as not to alert them of her true mission to bring down the government and establish the Nazi party's true aims.

After Adolf Hitler was defeated in 1945. Project MT did not know her full role in the destruction of democracy, as her mission statement's were not fully completed, therefore Project MT was unable to be fully completed. However she was able to implement some of the fuhrers ideologies during her time. Such as the glee she took in making children cry (withdrawal of milk) the shooting of innocent Argentinians (the sinking of the Belgrano) and the smashing of the voice of the working class (the unions. Miners strikes etc).

Project MT started to fail to function around 1990, where the Conservative party realised she was too extreme and appointed someone with the most dulcet voice known to man, to appease a rioting generation.

Project MT is currently suffering from a defective memory chip. Which impairs her everyday goings about and has resulted in high profile exaggerations of minor injuries such as a bruised arm and the flu.

Project MT will live on as she is a cyborg, and will only cease to function when the Nazi minister of Propaganda shuts her main circuit off.

So there we go, we've found the truth about Thatcher. And "where is all the proof?" I hear you ask.... Well, When Berlin was under seige towards the end of the war, with the Soviets attacking from the east, and the Brits and Americans attacking from the west, the Germans burnt top secret documents in Adolf Hitlers Berlin bunker, this included the locations of all participants of project Weltanschauung....





Dear god this has been fun. Please don't sue.

Fast Forward to 2012

Right, not much serious content here for this weeks blog. So let's make this blog a lovely little list. Something which wont be continuous rantings, more little things that annoy me, with no explanation given to justify them, if you want to know why I hate it. Message me on whatever format is easiest for you. You lazy bastards.

THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME

• Racists
• Ultra- Liberals
• Communists
• Fascists
• Anti-gay campaigners
• Pro-gay capaigners
• Pro-choice
• Pro- life
• Old people
• Babies
• Teenagers
• Adults
• Politicians
• People who are politically apathetic
• Activists
• White people
• Black people
• Asian people
• White people who think they're black people
• Loud people
• Quiet people
• Katie Price
• Slags who pretend to be prudey
• Prudey girls who pretend to be slags
• Skinny people saying they're fat
• Fat people saying they're skinny
• Skinny people being too skinny
• Fat people being too fat
• Smokers
• Posers
• Tramps
• Loud drunks
• Straight edge people
• Wastes of space
  
• Over achievers
• Never having any credit on my phone
• The 9th series of Scrubs
• Megan Fox getting all that surgery
• Pretty much everything in the world. Past present and future.
• Nu-metal
• Industrial
• Pop Punk
• Pop
• Justin FUCKING Bieber
• My exam grades
• The Disney Channel
• Manufactured music acts
• The X Factor
• Britains got retards
• Pete Wentz.
  

I'm aware that was a Doctor Cox-esque style rant. But truthfully I could not give a fuck.

CAW

Corporation day.

Well ladies and gents, I'm back. And over the last month I've changed in some aspects for the better, and in some aspects for the worst. I guess oly the opinions of my friends (the only opinions I actually care about) will allow me to see if the general change is better or worse than I was.

I've become even more cynical than I ever thought I could be. Even the cutest thing in the world now seems to irritate me to a horrific extent. Not least of all that one day of the year where couples around the UK celebrate the fact that somewhere in this vast earth, someone wants to be with them.

However that's not enough, you have to show this love via expensive gifts provided by our lovely corporations exploiting the need for consumerism across the country, from roses to chocolates to fucking stuffed animals, these all represent love. Somehow ?

If chocolate symbolises love, why hasn't Willy Wonka been on more dates than Russell Brand ?
If roses symbolise love, does that mean that love can be picked out of a huge bunch of potential candidates, with a good chance of you being hurt from picking that one, and it dying early through neglect and lack of adequate care ?
And if Teddy Bears symbolise love, why hasn't the Bear Factory been done in a police raid for effectively grooming children ?

I hate valentines day. I hate next to everything it stands for. But most of all I hate the fact people feel the need to take one specific day of the year to show someone they love them.

No, that's not what it's all about, you shouldn't NEED a fucking corporate holiday to show you love someone, you shouldn't HAVE to buy cliched gifts for a loved one, and you shouldn't feel obliged to spent an extortionate amount on a person who you like/love/ are in love with.

The fact that something like love, which was one of the few things I thought you couldn't put a price tag on, has now been reduced to a 10 pack of roses from Asda or a chocolate heart from M & S shows the fact that humanity, as a whole, are fucking idiotic consumerist sheep who are led to the cash abatoir by greedy bastards with "£'s" in their eyes. WAKE UP ANY REALISE WE DON'T NEED TO CELEBRATE A NEEDLESS HOLIDAY! We don't get a day off work for it, we don't gain serious benefit from it, so why waste your time on unessential shit ?

So I'll leave you with a motivational message. Fuck valentines day. Don't make plans with your loved one, be spontaneous. That is a lot more romantic than candlelit dinners. Those times when you surprise your partner with something are the best occasions in ANY relationship. Trust me.

Fuck it all.
CAW

Mind Eraser, No Chaser

Them Crooked Vultures. Rapidly becoming one of those bands I wished I went to see more of at Download. Regardless if Bullet were awesome.
Right, a few events in this weeks usual melancholy (I never know how to truly use that word)
Basically, Last week I got very, VERY drunk. Lots of jager, lots of Applesourz, depressing times were had. I have since quit boozing up. Which is always fun.
So apologies to anyone who had to listen to the dross I churned out last week in the forms of "99 problems" blame the alcohol.

Anyhoo, back to usual. In this weeks news, Kerry Katona has made an appearance as a star (and I use that term loosley) on Dancing on Ice. Which is ironic because she's been skating on thin ice for years !
I had a history exam the other day, and seriously debated labelling Joseph Stalins purges of Russia (which resulted in 20 million dead) as a "minor indiscretion"
I recieved another university offer in the form of Leeds Metropolitan University. Which has seriously made me think Leeds would be a great place to go to. Apart from the fact my hair is as curly as a sheep and I will be surrounded by a bunch of horny Yorkshiremen.
I gained another few followers on Tumblr, and because I will be publishing this on there (yes, I broke the rules, hunt me down and suck my dick) I have this small message to whoever may be reading this. RUN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN !!
In other worldwide news, Australia was hit by the worst floods in over a century. Ironic, seeing as every Australian was praying for rain during most of the current Ashes series (take that you convict bastards)
And David Cameron thought it would a good idea to come to the North East and promote the growth of the Private sector jobs (not many of which will be up here. Oh, and did I mention the public sector will be losing a lot of jobs too) Seriously "Dave" you're coming to the wrong place to preach about belt tightening, seeing as most people in town have their belts and pants around their ankles doing some local slapper against a wall. (It's my city, I'm allowed to call it)

Quick message to you Mackem Bastards out there - You couldn't even beat a depleted team that was assembled on a shoestring. How does it feel ??

I hope, a return to form was had by me this week. The world's looking up. Let's do this shit
CAW

99 problems

Blergh.
Not a real word. But by god it sums up my life right now.
At this moment in time, I can think of at least 4/5 serious problems, from a variety of backgrounds, all simultaneously being juggled around whilst I try to keep a smile on my fucking face.

Exams, friendship divisions, lack of sleep, college in general and of course the obvious one that doesn't really need explaining, least of all a little pokey 'ol blog.
I don't mean to sound so pathetic and bitchy, but I do.
2011 has already started where 2010 kicked off, with a mass of self loathing, a dollop of hatred, a sprinkling of heartbreak steadily roasted over the space of 5 weeks.

My wekeend blogs are usually ones of hatred and cynicism, and this one is no different, the only difference is that it's now aimed at myself. Ironic, that a mere 2 weeks ago I was laughing at another person suffering through the form of depression (regardless whether it was true or not) and for airing his dirty laundry in public.

Yet here I am, being a hypocritical cunt. Full of pettiness and anger. I feel screwed over, in every sense of the word.

To quote my tumblr. I will kill you all.

CAW

Growing On Me

The Darkness were undoubtedly one of my favourite bands of the last decade. I absolutely loved them. And now that I'm a bit older I can realise that a lot of their songs had alternate meanings
"I'm holding my own, give or take a tear or two" is about masturbation, after being broken up with
"You're really growing on me, or am I growing on you ?" A song (allegedly) about genital warts.

They were one of the few glam bands that I approved. Because they had a very odd selling point. Justin Hawkins had a rate good screech on him.
The blog title is somewhat relevant, and even more relevant now that "love is only a feeling" has came on (although I wont get sentimental now, that's not what my blogs are about)
It's relevant because of the fact that I've now realised that a few people are "growing on me" and that a few people are going the opposite way, due to circumstances outside my control.

It just reiterates the fact that if you fuck with my friends, I shall fuck with you. Several times worse.

Anyway, in the news this week a landlord is suspected of murdering his tennant (to be fair, the bitch should've kept up with her rent).
An area the size of Germany and France combined has flooded Australia (When first reading this I thought/hoped France had been flooded)
Australia lose in the cricket, and start complaining at the fact they haven't been kicking our arses for the first time in 25 years. Whinging convict bastards.

I hope this blog demonstrates the difficulty of writing when you have nothing to talk about, in the meantime, I'm away to Tesco for a cheese and tomato pizza, I've heard they're to die for.

Let's do this shit
CAW

Big Fat Blog Of The Year - 2010

Truth be told, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I mean, most people will be on their xboxes/ps3's playing games they've gotten from a fat, bearded, closet paedophile (I'm referring to their uncles, as santa does not exist).
So why write this blog ? I mean, Channel 4 has already cornered the market with cynical works, such as Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker (I think that's his name) so why am I writing a blog which will basically be on tv in a matter of days, when it's much easier to access it ?

The answer, of course, is boredom. So fuck it, settle down, buckle up, and enjoy a years worth of recycled jokes courtesy of yours truly.

January was a bit of a blur to me, all I remember was the Haiti earthquake which to be fair, wasn't too funny in itself, what was funny however, was Wyclef Jean thinking he can bring the country out of poverty as he ran for the office of Prime Minister, you can just imagine it can't you,

"Wyclef, what makes you think you are best suited to the job of Prime Minister, what seperates you from the rest of the pack?"
"Well Breddren, I can lay down a smooooth ass melody to calm the masses, tell them that everytin' is going to be allllright"
"What about the countries situation, our infrastructure has all but collapsed, and anarchy is on the streets of Port au Prince?"
"...errm, we lay down some sweet ass melodies to calm de masses"

Needless to say, he was ruled out of the running, because he fucked off from that country and didn't return until Haiti was in the news, coincidence much ?

February saw some bloke die during the winter olympics.
A small man? lying down on a tea tray ? going at up to speeds of 60mph ? What could possibly go wrong ?
Fucking idiots.

March - boring in terms of world news, however, I somehow managed to snare/ attract a blind girl into going into a relationship with me. Good times. Oh, and I saw Trivium, a band who's fade into mediocrity started when Matt Heafy thought he would embrace his Japanese heritage that bit too much. No one gives a fuck where you're from Matt, go back to writing stuff like "Pull harder...." (No, that's not a sex joke non-metal fags)

April - Nothing much to report, I finally won the Grand National. All those years of backing Tony McCoy finally paid off, and I was richer to the tune of £25. For those who don't know, the Grand National is basically a very long race, in which Irish midgets try to jump over hedges. On horses. We don't know why, but it seems to please the British public. The midgets are of course, paid in POTATOES!
April also saw the introduction of the P Factor, where they reduced the job of prime minister to the equivalent of a talent contest, with televised T.V debates from all three of the main party leaders ending up in a public vote for who they think won that debate. Personally, people should go out and look for information on politics, not have it shovelled through their T.Vs. But I'm old fashioned like that.

May - Conservatives got into power. Don't want to talk about it.

June - The world cup started, I went to Wembley, I saw AC/DC, and I got made a sammich by my girlfriend. It was a good month....UNTIL, Frank Lampards disallowed goal in the world cup hammering by Ze Germans sent us all back to our stiff upper lip mentality, forcing the blame on everyone apart from the players who frankly, were just shit. Still, we won the ones that counted didn't we ? ;) (That's a world war 1 & 2 joke for those who didn't get it)
Oh, and one last thing, at Download Festival, where I saw AC/DC, there was something very unwholesome about a geriatric pensioner stripping down to his underwear whilst playing an unecessary 20 minute guitar solo whilst the other main gadgie encourages barely legal girls to get their tits out. Wrong, even by my standards...."Did someone say barely legal?"

July - Roaul Moat is a message to all the gingers out there. We will find you, and we will make it look like suicide.
Spain won the world cup final, with the British media making a huge fuss that an Englishman would actually be in the WC final, despite him being a referee, and despite every fan in that stadium hating him due to the fact that the Dutch were a set of dirty bastards and bookings were coming out left right and centre, although big up to Nigel De Jong for his excellent Kung Fu kick

"Wax on, wax off, pick up Yellow card, break Frenchmans leg in future."

August - A level results, resulting the the biggest set of arse clenching for 18 year olds and under since Gary Glitter announced his world tour. Other than that, fuck all happened that you guys are actually interested in. Other than my holiday to lanzarote, which resulted in me coming back with an arsenal of jokes which helped me produce what I consider to be my best work as a blogger, look for it in my history, it's entitled "Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction" and is undoubtedly going to be used as evidence for when someone claims I am medically insane.

September saw the mass influx of AS level students back into Newcastle college, it also made me realise what a set of annoying little shits we were last year, only thinking we can fit 10 in a lift, blocking up the corridors, and generally being knobjockeys, whilst being blissfully ignorant to the contempt whic the A2's hold for you. Which trust me, DOES exist.

October was my 18th birthday, and what followed was one of the best nights of my life, I was presented with a 3rd generation watch which had been kept in my family for 15 years awaiting my 18th (manly tears were shed that night, I assure you) and my 18th birthday party was a small party, but was held in the best of company, excuse me for a moment as I will deviate from my usual cynicism to tell you that I may slag my friends off rotten for being annoying bastards, because, well, they are. But if anyone tries to insult them in my presence, be prepared to choke on my fist......Up your your arse. Seriously, from the speech i gave whilst half cut, to the hokey cokey of death which ended up with a 6"4 friend of mine being kicked in the face, that night was brilliant from start to finish.

November however, wasn't as fun. In a month which saw the Lib Dems popularity go down like Jodie Marsh on the first date, we saw the potential outbreak of what may still yet escalate into WW3, with North Korea shelling a South Korean island. Shit got ugly. How ugly you may ask ?? Well, this ugly ....

What a fat little fucker he is.

December - Started off badly (me and Catherine split up) and it slowly got better, topping it all off with Christmas day spent with my family, laughing at miming "stars" on Christmas Top of the Pops. England raped the Aussies in the cricket, and Simon Cowell signed up a manufacture boy band to his label, honestly, the only way he could exploit children more is by opening a sweatshop.

2010 has been an amazing year for me. If someone told me this time last year that I was going to fall in love, get an A in an A level exam, find a place where I belong, mature and regress in the same year, I wouldn't believe them.
2011 is looking good already, a lot of friendships in placefor the future, University on the cards, and tickets to blink 182 and Iron Maiden.
Honestly, the only way this will get better will be by punching the very cunt who tried to sell out my best friend to save his cowardly hide.
Happy New Year guys, let's do this shit.
CAW