Truth be told, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I mean, most people will be on their xboxes/ps3's playing games they've gotten from a fat, bearded, closet paedophile (I'm referring to their uncles, as santa does not exist).
So why write this blog ? I mean, Channel 4 has already cornered the market with cynical works, such as Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker (I think that's his name) so why am I writing a blog which will basically be on tv in a matter of days, when it's much easier to access it ?
The answer, of course, is boredom. So fuck it, settle down, buckle up, and enjoy a years worth of recycled jokes courtesy of yours truly.
January was a bit of a blur to me, all I remember was the Haiti earthquake which to be fair, wasn't too funny in itself, what was funny however, was Wyclef Jean thinking he can bring the country out of poverty as he ran for the office of Prime Minister, you can just imagine it can't you,
"Wyclef, what makes you think you are best suited to the job of Prime Minister, what seperates you from the rest of the pack?"
"Well Breddren, I can lay down a smooooth ass melody to calm the masses, tell them that everytin' is going to be allllright"
"What about the countries situation, our infrastructure has all but collapsed, and anarchy is on the streets of Port au Prince?"
"...errm, we lay down some sweet ass melodies to calm de masses"
Needless to say, he was ruled out of the running, because he fucked off from that country and didn't return until Haiti was in the news, coincidence much ?
February saw some bloke die during the winter olympics.
A small man? lying down on a tea tray ? going at up to speeds of 60mph ? What could possibly go wrong ?
Fucking idiots.
March - boring in terms of world news, however, I somehow managed to snare/ attract a blind girl into going into a relationship with me. Good times. Oh, and I saw Trivium, a band who's fade into mediocrity started when Matt Heafy thought he would embrace his Japanese heritage that bit too much. No one gives a fuck where you're from Matt, go back to writing stuff like "Pull harder...." (No, that's not a sex joke non-metal fags)
April - Nothing much to report, I finally won the Grand National. All those years of backing Tony McCoy finally paid off, and I was richer to the tune of £25. For those who don't know, the Grand National is basically a very long race, in which Irish midgets try to jump over hedges. On horses. We don't know why, but it seems to please the British public. The midgets are of course, paid in POTATOES!
April also saw the introduction of the P Factor, where they reduced the job of prime minister to the equivalent of a talent contest, with televised T.V debates from all three of the main party leaders ending up in a public vote for who they think won that debate. Personally, people should go out and look for information on politics, not have it shovelled through their T.Vs. But I'm old fashioned like that.
May - Conservatives got into power. Don't want to talk about it.
June - The world cup started, I went to Wembley, I saw AC/DC, and I got made a sammich by my girlfriend. It was a good month....UNTIL, Frank Lampards disallowed goal in the world cup hammering by Ze Germans sent us all back to our stiff upper lip mentality, forcing the blame on everyone apart from the players who frankly, were just shit. Still, we won the ones that counted didn't we ? ;) (That's a world war 1 & 2 joke for those who didn't get it)
Oh, and one last thing, at Download Festival, where I saw AC/DC, there was something very unwholesome about a geriatric pensioner stripping down to his underwear whilst playing an unecessary 20 minute guitar solo whilst the other main gadgie encourages barely legal girls to get their tits out. Wrong, even by my standards....
"Did someone say barely legal?"
July - Roaul Moat is a message to all the gingers out there. We will find you, and we will make it look like suicide.
Spain won the world cup final, with the British media making a huge fuss that an Englishman would actually be in the WC final, despite him being a referee, and despite every fan in that stadium hating him due to the fact that the Dutch were a set of dirty bastards and bookings were coming out left right and centre, although big up to Nigel De Jong for his excellent Kung Fu kick
"Wax on, wax off, pick up Yellow card, break Frenchmans leg in future."
August - A level results, resulting the the biggest set of arse clenching for 18 year olds and under since Gary Glitter announced his world tour. Other than that, fuck all happened that you guys are actually interested in. Other than my holiday to lanzarote, which resulted in me coming back with an arsenal of jokes which helped me produce what I consider to be my best work as a blogger, look for it in my history, it's entitled "Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction" and is undoubtedly going to be used as evidence for when someone claims I am medically insane.
September saw the mass influx of AS level students back into Newcastle college, it also made me realise what a set of annoying little shits we were last year, only thinking we can fit 10 in a lift, blocking up the corridors, and generally being knobjockeys, whilst being blissfully ignorant to the contempt whic the A2's hold for you. Which trust me, DOES exist.
October was my 18th birthday, and what followed was one of the best nights of my life, I was presented with a 3rd generation watch which had been kept in my family for 15 years awaiting my 18th (manly tears were shed that night, I assure you) and my 18th birthday party was a small party, but was held in the best of company, excuse me for a moment as I will deviate from my usual cynicism to tell you that I may slag my friends off rotten for being annoying bastards, because, well, they are. But if anyone tries to insult them in my presence, be prepared to choke on my fist......Up your your arse. Seriously, from the speech i gave whilst half cut, to the hokey cokey of death which ended up with a 6"4 friend of mine being kicked in the face, that night was brilliant from start to finish.
November however, wasn't as fun. In a month which saw the Lib Dems popularity go down like Jodie Marsh on the first date, we saw the potential outbreak of what may still yet escalate into WW3, with North Korea shelling a South Korean island. Shit got ugly. How ugly you may ask ?? Well, this ugly ....
What a fat little fucker he is.
December - Started off badly (me and Catherine split up) and it slowly got better, topping it all off with Christmas day spent with my family, laughing at miming "stars" on Christmas Top of the Pops. England raped the Aussies in the cricket, and Simon Cowell signed up a manufacture boy band to his label, honestly, the only way he could exploit children more is by opening a sweatshop.
2010 has been an amazing year for me. If someone told me this time last year that I was going to fall in love, get an A in an A level exam, find a place where I belong, mature and regress in the same year, I wouldn't believe them.
2011 is looking good already, a lot of friendships in placefor the future, University on the cards, and tickets to blink 182 and Iron Maiden.
Honestly, the only way this will get better will be by punching the very cunt who tried to sell out my best friend to save his cowardly hide.
Happy New Year guys, let's do this shit.
CAW
