Everyone needs a zombie plan....

And after watching Zombieland on dvd, I've realised I need to fully devise my own plan. The bare bones of the zombie plan has always been devised. I mean, everyone has one. But now I realise that a disease could come around and turn us into flesh-eating angry lumps of flesh intent on devouring us all regardless of race, gender or religion.
So, we'll begin with the back story. A virus has gotten out of control and has now infected most of humanity, including my family (sorry, but I'm not having these in my plan on account that groups of people will slow me down.
Here we go.

• Escape Blyth immediately. Via the car. find secretive spot with about a months worth of food rations. weapon of choice at this stage - Cricket bat
• After the first month of infection (at this point the infected humans will begin to die out) begin to slowly make inroads into Blyth. Stopping at my old school for basic weaponry (Javelins, shot putts, more cricket bats)
• Raid Asda, but first make sure that the store is clear by playing a guitar at the front of the shop, to attract remaining Zombies. and eliminate them. Ruthlessly.
• Set up camp at Asda, barricading myself in with shopping trolleys and other items, however leaving one emergency escape available (When in doubt, know your way out). At this point I will begin to pay my homage to the Dead Rising videogames by using duct tape and nails on pretty much everything I can get my hands on. Weapon of choice at this point - gardening tools, rakes, clippers, etc. Asda don't do a sport section which is where all the fun weaponry can be had :(
• Start to leave for the centre of Blyth, on foot. As the roads will be congested from all the people attempting to flee and failing. Currently travelling light, one satchel bag, with one change pair of combat shorts and a light t shirt. the rest of the bag being filled with light, but effective weapons.
• Enter Blyth, check obvious places for supplies, then go into Argos, find baseball bats, guitars, etc. Anything heavy. And hunt for food before the last big push.
  
• Drive to down south, stopping at service stations along the way for what's left of supplies and do relieve myself.
• Down to Dover, whilst avoiding all the big cities (more people = more zombies)
• Get small fishing boat.
• Travel to Calais, or some other French port.
• Live rest of life travelling Europe whilst raiding gun shops (because Europe is easier to get guns in than the UK)
• ????
• Profit.
  
  Here endeth the Zombie plan.

Oh, and if that fails, get a cricket bat, run to a nice open area, whilst being chased by zombies, and scream my lungs out whilst swinging my trusty cricket bat like a motherfuck. And die screaming "DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!" Like a boss.
CAW

We Are The Undead

Well, I nearly am. Given the fact that I feel like absolute shite these last few days.
I was stricken down by an illness which still escapes my ill-educated diagnosing skills (much like House. Yes, I went there Lewis, I know you're reading this.)
What basically happened was

• I was cold, despite the fact I was shivering
• I was lethargic, and would not even get up for some food(which brings me to my next point)
• Loss of appettite
• Headaches
• Aching limbs.

Never fun. However I got past the initial illness through my good friend, Jack Daniels MD.
During this week I have had an absolute shitter. I shant go into the details, but all the, small things, that can go wrong did, and it made me rage a tad.

I have started using a new site that I'm not sure if people will have heard of, it's called tumblr, and I will probably be using this to spout some mini-bites of hatred, whilst my blogspot becomes hopefully more recognised and gains more attention. Provided my tumblr doesn't get raided with gore after Operation Overlord

Just a small blog this week, I'm not really in the mood to write. Mainly because I'm trying to find a link to watch two black men beat each other up to the extent where Nick Griffin spunks in his pants.

Let's Do This Shit.

Untitled

My tooth is fixed.
Words cannot express the happiness which I'm feeling right now ! :D
Despite having what feels like half of my original tooth drilled out and replaced with a synthetic replacement, I'm feeling pretty damn chuffed with life now.
Cancer bats is without a doubt, one of the highlights of my year.

• Photo taken with Liam Cormier
• Stage dived during "Hail Destroyer" followed by excessive crowd surfing.
• Drunk lots of vodka to numb my (then painful) tooth.
• Wore combat shorts and a t shirt in mid November weather
• Almost had my ribs broken, my mp3 and phone lost forever and my sternum smashed when Vera Cruz's guitarist stepped on my chest.
  
  Oh, and one more thing, the dentists could be made a lot less daunting if they give you earplugs to drown out the drills.
  
  Let's do this shit. CAW

Hail Destroyer.

3 Shots of vodka and 1 JD and diet coke
Hmmm, I'm pissed off at my mother and I'm listening to hardcore punk music, yeah, great idea to calm down.
This ontop of a week where a piece of bone no smaller than .5 cm in diameter has caused me just as much pain as a broken collarbone.
Broken teeth aren't a nice thing, especially when this piece of tooth has been broken for about a year now, and has slowly decayed away due to your diet consisting of twice the RDA of sugar. At least. Still, the wonders of the NHS should have me up and slowly rotting my gums inside out within a few weeks. It should be ok, seeing as how I'm not supposed to have sugary stuff for 2 weeks. If not, I will have to be content with mixing the painkiller cocktail which I have now patented

Clove Oil - To numb the tooth/gums
Ibuprofen - To kill some of the pain
Vodka - To kill the rest of the pain.

Whoever said mixing alcohol with pills is a bad idea is lying. All things in moderation ;)

First spartans match of the seasons today (for me) remembered how much I love non-league football. The chants, crude and humourous, just the way I like them
" You can stick your Lincoln Sausage up your arse"
"Football league, you fucked it up"
and the evergreen "Oi, keeper, have you burped ? because I can smell spunk"

Ahh, gotta love Blyth Spartans AFC
An odd weekend by my standards, given that I am alone and ther other half is away to South Holland. Therefore no usual conversations with her. Tis odd. Tis not cricket.

Work this week provided me with a hilarious, if not wrong, thought. An old woman was complaining about the government cutting some benefit she recieved. It struck me with the thought of "Pet, you're so old (she looked about 80), you'll probably be one of the first to go in the good ol' winter cull, therefore your complaining about lack of benefits come springtime is invalid."
Wrong, but oh so right.

Cancer Bats tomorrow, I'll probably be dead, if I have the choice, my last words shall be




"The Game."

Let's do this shit. CAW

Speak Of The Devil

3 Jagerbombs.

A small week of drinking by my now high standards. But then again, I was designated "Walker home" by my girlfriends 6ft 4, brick shithouse father. So who am I to disagree ??

An eventful weekend was capped off by hearing that a good friend of mine had dropped trow in front of traffic and mooned some policemen. Scott Dunn, be proud of yourself, I sure as hell am. Krash - a pretty awesome place if I'm honest, and I had a rather good time there. Still, nothing compare to the fun I had going to Newburn with my girlfriend, which took about twice as long as it was meant to. Still, I enjoyed cycling 20 miles (there and back) to basically have a picnic in the freezing cold. Because it was in the best of company. Seriously, I might take the piss out of her, might "be mean to her" and might annoy her more than she ever thought possible, but if anyone ever hurt her whilst she was with me, I'll kill them and make it look like an accident.

Which reminds me of another small rant I have to go about. What kind of friend deletes, blocks and generally cuts someone out of their life without giving a reason, I mean seriously, it's fucking cowardice. I'm aware this happened several months ago now, but I'm still a tad angry at the callousness of what this person did. Regardless of their intentions, I deserved an explanation.

Tonight's Halloween, or as I like to call it "Legal Paedophilia day" fortunately I have gotten around the annoying idea of kids knocking at my door, I've removed it from it's hinges. Checkmate you little fuckers.

Today I came home, and watched Newcastle stuff the great unwashed. Personally I'm now looking forward to Toms newest blog :)
I also would like to clarify that when Blyth aren't playing, I support Newcastle. If they both played on a Saturday, I would be looking for Blyths result on the forum, Blyths result on Final Score, or be coming home from Croft Park talking about the result. However when the teams play on different days, I can happily look for both scores. Glad I cleared that up for you all.

Oh and one more thing, I think I'm going to my first Blyth match of the season next week, finally. I've not had time to get around to go to one, God knows I've missed the terraces.
Cancer Bats on Sunday, this may be my last blog post, as I will probably die there. Leave my body to medical science, to see if you can extract pure evil from a body.

Let's do this shit. CAW xx

My Last Serenade

Well, yesterday was epic.
9 Jack Daniels and Coke (One of which was bought for me by a beaten Tory, geddin)
7 shots of Jack Daniels, straight.
4 shots of Jagermeister
1 shot of Tequila (ergh)
and a Jagerbomb.

Ultimately resulting in me drinking my weeks worth of alcohol within a 12 hour space. Yet I was still unable to fall into a beautiful drunken stupour.
Brens 18th last night was just utter carnage from start to finish.
From me extending my winless run at pool to seeing Rainbows penis, the entire night was one of drunken teenage debauchery. Which I loved.
Whilst on the road trip up to Berwick, we witnessed first hand the de-flowering of Whiskey drinking for Lewis Stephenson. One which resulted in a hilarious coughing fit in the back of a tightly packed Renault Megane.
Once in the land of the sweaty socks I was struck by an overwhelming urge to open up the Jager, which I did, and being the kind hearted individual that I am *Cough* I decided to share it out with everyone, which basically set the ball rolling for a pretty heavy night of drinking on my account.
The key events of the night included

• Me falling asleep with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my arm.
• Headbanging with my mates
• Reminiscing about old First School chicken curry
• playing acoustic guitar whilst my friends sang beside me, campfire style, except without the paedophilia
• and finally, gang -raping the birthday boy himself whilst shirtless.
  

All in all, people are more impressed at the fact I was still ok after drinking a substantial amount of booze. Whether that's a good thing or bad thing, who knows...

In the meantime, I suppose I'll just continue drinking my own body weight in Jack Daniels until my liver just says "Fuck this" and packs in
Let's do this shit. CAW XX

Sometime Around Midnight.

So here I sit, with my Jack Daniels and Coke in one hand, my smartprice pot noodle avec bread billowing steam which almost seems to sway upwards to the slow drumbeat of the Airbourne Toxic Event's melancholy masterpiece "Sometime Around Midnight." As I slowly scroll through the blogs I wrote under the pseudonym of the Seventeen Year Old Cynic having a sly chuckle to myself every few seconds or so I suddenly have the sudden realisation.
My life is fucking awesome.

Whilst my old blog would have made no attempt to justify this rare showing of optomism and happiness due to the fact I would have referred to this happy version of myself as a "Stupid fucking cunt", this new blog (Aptly named the ramblings of a drunken madman) shall be my attempt to show people that I am not just a foul mouthed socialist bastard. There is actually emotion to the seemingly mindless blogs which I post.

The last few weeks have seen me turn from a boy into a man, according to the law. I personally see myself still as the juvenile imbecile who has unfortunately turned himself into the class clown for others gain and ultimately, his own downfall. I am making the conscious effort to become work-orientated, but this has not been helped by the fact I now have the temptation of being able to go to the local pub/club/space bar for a quick Jack & Coke. What I would not give to be able find the sudden and resounding urge to finally pick up a textbook rather than crack a funny, sit back in my seat, put my feet on the table, headphones in, world out. And hope for the best come January.

This has ultimately been caused by the startling discovery that I have just sauntered through my education for the last 4 years. I have relied upon my natural intelligence, sat back and became the joker, confidently expecting the good grades come August time, and usually becoming pretty damn depressed at the final outcomes. The fear that I may not be going to a decent university is a pretty damn possible outcome..

***MY GLASS IS EMPTY, PLEASE TAKE 30 SECONDS BREAK WHILST I REFILL***

Where was I ? Oh yes, potentially fucking up the rest of my life...
The work starts now. Simples (As everyones favourite communist Meerkat would say)

In the meantime, I will have the odd drink here and there, when every bit of work is finished (give or take a few non-essential bits). After all, I got so much drink for my 18th (which was two weeks ago, thanks for asking) it would be a shame to waste a litre of 50% Vodka, and bottle of Apple Sourz, 2 Litres of Jack, and a bottle of Jagermeister. Which reminds me...
Thank you for everyone who came to my 18th, I got so incredibly rat-arsed and I couldn't have done it without my closest friends beside me.

In other news, I have a small, friendly bet with Shannon Atkins, if I can go a week without "Tory-Bashing" she owes me a Jack and Coke. This will be tough, and most of my friends are judging me given the fact I'm holding back my views to the point where I will probably have an aneurysm. But the pride at stake will be even more, as I will have had a drink bought for me by a beaten conservative.

For those who are still clueless to the latest direction of my blog. I will be literally whatever is on my mind, from whatever viewpoint I am feeling, posted whenever I have the urge to blog. However it will still be posted on the Friday or the Saturday.

Sentiments aside, let's do this shit. CAW