All Hope Is Gone

Was there an election on ??




Lol jk, I know there was
Speaking of which.Bandwagons are still shit, stop making them.

Well Fuck.Me.Sideways.

I woke up this morning to a few angry texts about some group of peoples called the Conservatories that had won some house on this game show thingy, where the three finalists had to stand facing each other for 3 x 90 minute job interviews and try to send each other into fits of uncontrollable rages and/or tears.
*Gets someone who knows about politics to help write the blog*

Right, where were we ??
Oh yeah, The Conservative party, led by the Eton tutored Toff David William Donald "just call me Dave" Cameron, and that odious little cretin George Osbourne win 307 seats, which, in Lay mans terms (I only just found out what that meant last night) is "a decent amount". As opposed to what they needed to win the election outright, which (again in laymans terms) could only be described as "a shitload."
And now this leads us to the hung Parliament which we have now.
No clear leader. No single policies set out.No hope.
Or so it seems....
The Liberal Democrats have failed to capitalise on their "Cleggmania" and fucked that up royally, to the point where they lost seats. Hahahaha.Fuckwits. So now they are in bed with Mr Cameron (not a nice thought is it.)
To stop this being a political narrative, I'll explain the jist/gist of the election in bullet points :

• Tories are now sucking Lib Dem dick to try to get their majority.
• If they do, the Tories will get into power.
• Tories = bad.
• Gordon Brown = good.
• Thatcher = Cunt.
• E = Mc2.

If people are yet to understand my glaring contempt of the Conservatives. I will explain it in these very handy bullet points :

• I'm from Blyth, a former mining town
• Thatcher bent the mining towns over a table and fucked them till every good, hard working bloke was out of a job.
• Thatcher was a tory.
• And a cunt.
• The Conservatives generally look after the middle classes upwards.And I'm poor.

BAD TORIES!!!! (have I not made this clear??)
Yes, I know Cameron isn't Thatcher, but at the same time, he's a fucking close comparison these days. As he allegedly "Admired her handling of the Unions." Bad omens.
Oh, and here's a good little story for you's.

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/8118468.Cameron_says_state_spending_must_be_cut_in_North_East/

Oh well, it's all in the past now, chances are, a Conservative government is imminent. I could not do anything myself, seeing as how ;
A- I'm not old enough to vote, and
B - My constituency is so solidly Labour you could put a red rosette on David Cameron himself and he'd win it for Labour (this may explain my staunch Labour-ism, if there is such a word)
I think we're about finished here kiddies.
I'll just sum it up with an opinion on Mr Cameron, and indeed, ALL politicians. It is a lyric taken from the song which this blog is named after
"A broken promise is as good as a lie." Corey Taylor - 2008
Till then,
The Country's not a shit place, but under a Tory government, it will be. CAW xx

Pretty On The Outside.

So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you're only.
Pretty on the outside!
Taken from Bullets new album. A fucking good listen :)

Anyhoooo.Three issues, three rants, and three more nights...(the latter will be explained at the bottom)

Popular Music, Popular Figures, and Popular Opinions in general.

Popular music - I generally dont understand the concept of the popular music industry, if there was anything more fake and unflattering. Whilst I understand that the music industry is a business above everything else, must it persist in funneling this shite into our televisions. I mean, lately, the mainstream is filled with the following:

• An X factor Reject (says it all really)
• A "rapper" who's ghetto name is not anything like "Blud" or "Gat". No, his c-rapper name is "Chipmunk." For.Fuck.Sake...............Cunt.
  
• A "Singer" who's career has only became a musical one due to the fact she stars in a Dinsey channel show, and therefore will have lots of mindless Disney drones buying/downloading her song.
• Lady Gaga - 'Nuff said.
• Glee Cast - Read above.
• Justin Beiber - Read two posts up.
• Ellie Goulding - An English singer with the voice of an Irish pixie being Sodomised.

And That's just the top twenty. We'll do a quick estimate, how many of these singers/bands/artists will be around in TEN years time ?
Nah, too far, how about. How many of these artists will be around in FIVE years time ?
Still pushing it a bit.How about in TWO years time ?
The answer- not many. We'll focus on Lady Gaga, the only thing original about her is a dress sense, which is surprisingly enough, not the thing which makes music.The thing which makes music ( AKA - The voicebox, the Larynx, the Ol Shit Spouter) sounds totally unoriginal. If you disagree, then I suggest you listen to anything by Gwen Stefani, as I personally believe Lady Gaga to be nothing else but Gwen Stefani with a very odd dress sense.....................And a dick.

Popular figures - Sue.
For fuck sake Sue.You useless bitch.Why did you put Gordon with that "Bigoted woman". What were you playing at ? Putting a woman with a Scottishman, personally I think she got off lightly, I'd have told her to fuck off.
Everyone is surprised that Gordon Brown has ruined the housing industry and caused a severe National debt.I dont see why people are so surprised, the Jocks have been attacking our land and robbing our coffers since the days of William Wallace. Still..........FOR FUCK SAKE SUE!!!!

Popular Opinions - David Cameron won the final leaders debate, discuss ??
Alexander Johnson is running for "Second Student Governor". So with the help of my and Jonny's policies he can't lose (some of the policies include "Free Ian Huntley" and " Rename Campus to "Poontang Corner."" How can you not wanna vote for this beautiful Ginny Weasley lookalike :)
Oh, and finally.Congratulations on Callum Heslop for making it to his Seventeenth birthday without someone hunting him down and slitting his throat.
OH!!!, and the "three more nights" is because I have a job interview at McDonalds.I'm lovin it :) , so to speak ;)
Till then
The world's not a shit place, I just make it seem that way CAW xx

Hearts burst into fire

This blog is dedicated to Olivia Sharp.

"What have the romans ever done for us??"
"The Aquaducts"
"Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true. "
"And the sanitation! "
"All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done... "
"And the roads.."
"Well yes obviously the roads... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads... "
"Irrigation... Medicine... Education... Health..."
"Yes... all right, fair enough..."
"Public baths! And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now."
"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us? "
"Brought peace! "
"shut up! "

The point of this bit of dialogue from the Life of Brian, is that you shouldn't really bring up the question of what a Government has done for you. For reasons that have been demonstrated in the dialogue above.

As we know, the General election is right around the corner (the corner being the 5th of may, the election being the 6th) and there are many people who are taking an altruistic view on this election, a "can't be arsed, someone else will do it" view. To them, I say one thing....
Well done.
No, seriously, you'll be very proud of yourself to know that your vote has not gone in opposition of a party you know will have a very dire effect on the way you live your life. Your laziness was your undoing, congratulations.Cunts.
I'm aware that my blog is read by predominantly 17 year old people, and as such, aren't allowed to vote. Mainly, because my blog is written by a 17 year old. So seeing as I cannot vote, I find myself having to offer unbiased views on all of the parties. So, here goes :
Labour : To say they've grown stale in an understatement, they seem a party unable to offer any sort of PR with Gordon Brown at the helm, choosing instead to offer the great British public the truth.However, the truth is this, the country has just recovered from a major recession (apparently, personally I didn't notice anything, other than having to fire one butler, and only play croquet once a week). A recession that Labour has partly caused, but the same recession which labour got us out of quite well. Gordon Brown is a lifeless Jock bastard , and is out of touch with the current British public (most press say that he cannot see what is infront of his face due to him being out of touch.However, I think the fact he can't always see what's in front of his face is the fact that he only has one good eye)However, they are the only realistic party against the tories, so any Conservative hater will probably go here.

Gordon Brown: more scared of an election than an eight-year-old Chinese prostitute.


Conservative : Well then, Labour has finally ballsed up after 13 years, so here is where the vote of the angry voter will go to. However it may be a case of "better the devil you know, than the devil you dont" Seeing a Mr Cameron is an Eton Tutored, Thatcherite, which will cut taxes (this may sound good, but to cut taxes, he will have to reduce public spending, and therefore reduce the GDP and devalue this country. David William Donald Cameron (or Dave, as he wants to be known to us commoners) will also try to gain the support of the working class. I shall put this into analogy

" Mark is an executive of a large, multi national corporation, he has just been given a promotion to become the CEO of this large national corporation. He decides that it would be good for him to visit his office workers, in the hope that they will all go to his christmas party, however, due to the fact that Mark was able to inherit alot of money from his parents and had allegations that he only got into the executive board on account of who he knows, his office workers despise him. The workers then go on strike, forcing Mark to become miserable and lose his job to Gordon, a miserable, yet hard working Scotsman."
oh, and the posh Tory twat is in the back pocked of Lord Ashcroft, so if he won he would be just a humble puppet.
Liberal Democrats : Nick Clegg, the dark horse of this, he campaigns for "real change" in this election, this "change" of which he speaks of, is

• No cuts in national spending (great)
• tax breaks on most families (wait a moment, wont these two cause quite a large budget deficit having just come out of a recession?)
• Embracing the EU (great)
• Embracing the EU's plan to reduce the Nuclear warhead total (wait a moment, wont these two cause the EU, namely Britain, to become weaker in the eyes of a world currently getting more and more "nuked up"
  
  Nick Clegg has also allegedly slept with over 30 women, great for someone with no political aspirations, but when you're running for PM office, is that really what you want to be getting used about you
  "Nick, sir, what do you think about the economic growth"
  "Well miss Jones, I dont know about economic growth, but by god you're giving me some growth right now"
  Please dont sue me for defamation meester Clegg, I want to make it 31 with you :(
  
  I have quite frankly, bitchslapped these politicians who are probably my superior in pretty much every way, but I've found that my anger is giving people a good laugh, and since politicians get it from the press anyways, what's a shitty little blog read by 12 people going to do ?
  Till then, if you have the power to vote, choose wisely.
  If not, appreciate the humour to this blog, because I bloody well tried with this one (and it's still a bit meh ish )
  till then, remember that
  The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. xx CAW
  

Aces High

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender


This speech makes me proud to be English.
Other things which make me proud to be English, Our love for football, Our discontent for something which only ever ends up in us grumbling at it "grrr, global warming, grr"

This blog is going to be a bit of a deviation to my norm (which apparently, was too much like Russell Howards Good News)
This blog will be about circumstances that no one person can change. Politics, the Climate, and Religion.
First up, Religion - Went to Durham on some day which is irrelavant to you all. Ended up going to the Cathedral (beautiful place, for it's architecture)

However, once I was inside, I began feeling instantly uncomfortable, (Kinda felt like an atheist in a cathedral :/ , oh wait...) The priests were literally, EVERYWHERE, So I got to the stained glass windows, where I hear a priest preaching to these Chinese tourists and this statement caught my attention " There is peace by following god. In the beginning of the church ...."I lost interest at this point, now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the church responsible for attempting to kill another religion in itself (pagans) and used the facade of them being "devil worshippers". Was this, or was this not ?... The same religion that taxed english peasants to levels where the families starved in the name of "their religion" ? Oh, and there were far too many priests in there for my liking. Trying to ram their religion down peoples throats (Their catholic counterparts ram something down other peoples throats too, but that's another story...)

Religion ? Peaceful ?
Like fuck.A bunch of sinister bastards one and all.

Climate - Ash, fucking up planes, I say we let all the planes fly, and see which pilots are good enough to avoid the ash clouds, it's a win win, natural selection on the part of the pilots, a few thousand shaved off the world population total, and more money being donated to fuck knows how many charities. My sympathies for the families that have metaphorically died, but they shouldn't have been taking the chance of flying in the first place.GOD, how stupid of them....(which links back to my natural selection theory.)

And Politics, namely, the debate that took place on Thursday - I'll sum this up in a few sentences
Clegg - He wont get in, however I'm becoming more and more impressed with him, And he will have a big say when we inevitably have our hung Parliament. (not literally, although getting rid of them and starting over would be good in my opinion)
Brown - Yes, his tenure hasn't been littered with many successes, but maybe he is the better option for the working classes (which I am, as is the majority of the readers of this "blog" ) tbf, I personally feel he is the better choice for this election, then maybes Vote Clegg in at the 2014/15 election, as the lib dems will have sufficiently caught up.
Cameron - Tory + Working class = Anal ravaging for my family, I feel all that needs to be said about him has been said. Oh, and George Osbourne is an odeous little cunt/cretin.

I think that's me finished for now.

Till then,
The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. :) xx CAW

Laaaaaaayla

"You got me on my Knees"
An Eric Clapton song, Or what my uncle makes me say to him on a frighteningly regular basis.You decide.

A fairly happy week/ 10 days since my last blog came and went, and then came again.In your ear.
However, people dont want to know about happiness, they want to know exactly how the world is shit.
Well, first off, Ricky Martin announced in the news that he is gay. ( I think the bigger surprise would be if he announced if he was straight.)
He claims that he is "Proud to be a gay man" (Yeah, that's why it took you 10 Years to make it public, you media hungry cunt.)

Elsewhere in the news, the Catholic Church has been done for some more child abuse, only this time, it's(The head of the Catholic Church) Pope Benedict covering up the abuse, now I dont know about the laws in the Vatican City, however I do know that under most EU laws, that's obstruction of justice, and provides a decent jail time, but oh?? what's this ?? Because he's the head of a Religion he's immune from charges ? How coincidental, I think I'll invent a religion, become the head of it, and allow a relative of mine to touch some kids up ( the Popes brother is the one he's covering for btw kiddies) and cover it up, safe in the knowledge that I can't be tried.Fucking hypocrites.


Hmm, Oh yeah, Bandwagon groups- Seriously, why ? just why ? why join a group you chuckle at when it's in vogue? And then join a group five minutes later that's practically the same in pretty much every way , such as :

• It'll have the same overall message
• A similar photo
• And a similar longevity ( a month, tops)

I mean, yes, I'm aware that it's other peoples choice, but they're shit. Half of them dont even make you laugh, you just join them because it's the current thing.
Right, there's my usual three of "what's shit with the world." Now for something new and unusual for my blogs....Optimism

Lewis Stephenson Put 60p in a vending machine on Monday, and what he got out of it was

• A Kit Kat Chunky
• A packet of crisps
  
• Two four finger Kit Kats
• And his 60 p back
  

What happened was, some poor sap put 60p into the vending machine, but didn't get it back, Lewis comes along, presses for his crisps , and that comes out, along with 3 kit kats,of different shapes and sizes, as well as his 60p. His win inspired me.
Till next time remember that.. "The worlds not a bad place, I just make it seem that way"

Pizza Nif

Right, I know it's premature (just like my ejaculations) but there is a lot of anger and cynicism pent up inside me from my weekly release of Saturday
So I'm going to let it all out in this midweek blog (tada, actually, I think this needs a stupid, shit, overrated Las Vegas sign to emphasise this Midweek blog)
Basically, right, Politics, Relationships, and metaphors will be tackled in this update. So here goes.....
David Camerons wife is apparently pregnant, now forgive me for seeming a little harsh/inappropriate/cuntish, but his son died a few months back (or years, time flies when you're having fun) and with a general election on it's way within the next few weeks, is it just me or is this pregnancy being publicised by the Sun ( A Conservative Newspaper I may add) to try and appeal to the undecided and chances are unvoting 18-25 year olds (who, in todays society, will already have kids) to try and win sympathy votes, and ultimately, the election, where they (the conservatives, not The Sun)will inevitably steal our milk, ruin the current North East economy (currently steel, metalworks, car manufacturing, etc) , and generally establish an even bigger class gulf. Who knows? Time will tell.....NEXT!
Walked into College on the Monday morn, the deathly silence which meant only one thing , I was early to my lesson by a good 45 minutes, so heres me, sitting alone with my thoughts (my mp3 had died the night before) and I start to remember that Catherine is coming in early to see me, this is good for me, as I have not seen her for a few days.I see her, times are good, a few moments later, times are bad, to cut a long ( and painful, on my part) story short. I'm allowed one balls up with Cati, then I getsd a knife through my ribs, which aint gonna fucking tickle.

NEXT!!!

And finally, with my cynicism boiling to such an extreme where I feel the need to post a MIDWEEK BLOG

But basically, it started when I was on the bus with Missy, and we got to talking about relationships, love, you know....All the soppy shite. Then it got my to thinking about the phrase "you're one in a million", now we all know that that's meant to be a really nice phrase, a "statement of love" if you will. BUT, has anyone really stopped to think about what this phrase truly means. No ? Didn't think so.Well let me try and put it into my terms.
The phrase "one in a million" indicates that this person is so unique, they are one in a million, and they love them due to this fact. But, when you consider the current population of the world is well over 6 Billion, that means there are 6 thousand people....JUST LIKE YOU. So that's like saying that in China for every person that is "one in a million" there are a thousand people just like you (or if you want to be racially intolerant with the belief they're all the same, there's 1 billion just like you( I do not advocate racial intolerance (wow, brackets inside brackets, how shit is this? ) )
I'll now put this into UK terms, for every person looking for their "one in a million". The population of the City of Birmingham is just over 1 million. This means that you have a good chance of finding your one true love in Birmingham. Now given that beauty is in the eye of the behold, and that love is blind, this would have to mean that there is a somewhat varied kind of personality and looks in Birmingham (which we are using as our marker)However, most Brummies are the same, they are miserable fuckers who look like the back of my scrotum.
Do you really wanna take your chances that someone from Birmingham is your one true love ?
Or do you just want to abolish that bollocks phrase of " One in a million" and replace it with, "I cannot stop thinking about you."
Cynical rant over, see you all Next Saturday

Sweating Bullets

"Hello me, meet the real me" - Dave Mustaine - 1992
Where to begin to describe what went on this week. To sum up in a word - Hectic.
This lass must've took a good whack to the skull, because she decided she wanted to go out with me (Weird, I know), luckily, I wanted to as well, so Me + Cati = gooooood times :D

Right, now I've had a few sentences to get my niceness out of my system, we now move swiftly onto what's been wrong with the world this week :
Shit F1 races : No refueling, just turning it into an even bigger procession :@
Intonations : They keep going out on my guitar, by god it's frustrating me!!
The Sun Newspaper : Their Tory bias bollocks makes me more than a little bit angry, I may send the editor a letter with a good bit of shit in it, as he seems intent of shovelling his shit through my household every day, I'll just repay the favour to him :)
The Weather : Thank you, bastarding rain, putting paid to my plans of going out, and seeing some old mates, thank you, If you were a real person, I would firebomb your house.Cunt ¬¬

RRAAAAAGGGE!!!!11!!!!!!!!


Ranting aside, college wasn't totally unbearable this week either, apart from being kicked out of a bar for being too young (damn you, Nazi space workers ¬¬) although I missed mah Rainbow :(
Tonights agenda - drink, and mentally prepare myself for another week of the same ...Oh, and go on the guitar.
Till then,enjoy your life, because I know where you live....