This Is Wank (or reasons why This Is War is the worst album I've ever had the displeasure of listening to.)

In my time of listening to music on a regular basis, I've found some moments which completely leave me speechless. For example Bullet for my Valentine's debut album "The Poison" Which ranks as one of my favourite albums of all time, the opening crunches of "Master of Puppets" is another. And another, is the entire album of 30 Seconds To Mars' "This Is War".

This

This time last year I had only heard the title track from the album and Kings and Queens. And oh how I wish to the invisible beard man that it'd stayed that way. Because I decided that, against my better judgement, to listen to this album.
Big. Mistake.
Aside from those two aforementioned tracks, I have had shits with more quality inside 3 minutes than a track from that album. I cannot understand what possessed Jared Leto to think that

• Monks chanting
• Harmonious crowd vocals on a studio record. Seriously, why ? Save it for the live album.
  
• Preaching about war on a rock record
• Excessive synths which would make Kraftwerk think "bloody hell that's a bit too much"

Were all good ideas ?
then I realise....
It's Jared Leto's ego.
Yes, the same ego which forces his band members to their own little sections on stage whilst he prances around (usually shirtless, causing all 16 year old fangirls who like their album because it "speaks the truth about the bad side of human nature" to climax the second he floats around stage like the jackass he is.
This is the same Jared Leto who directed a 13 minute video that told absolutely no story whatsoever, it was literally just a bunch of semi naked models, him in a coffin, and Kanye West rapping with a tiny bit of the song. Seriously, search "30stm hurricane".

I'm listening to this album again, to make sure that I'm not sensationalising anything I write, that I could've made it a bit worse in my head than what it actually was. But no, as I sit here listening to Stranger in A Strange Land, I can honestly say that, given the choice of justifying the quality of this albums songs, and justifying the Einsatzgruppen in the Warsaw Ghettos in the 1940's, I find myself drawn to Herr Himmler and his boys.

The video for "Closer to the Edge" has to be the most infuriating thing I have seen on this planet, I have actually broken a plastic cup that was in my hand due to the CHILD in the video saying "I wish that there was no such thing as fighting, that everyone could just, get along. But that's gonna happen, is it?" THEN SHE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AS IF THAT SPEECH IS GOING TO STOP ALL THE WARS IN THE WORLD WITH A SIMPLE PATRONISING SCOLDING FROM A 13 YEAR OLD FUCKING CHILD!!!
Look love, as long as I have a hole in my arse, there will be wars. Shut the fuck up and deal with it. Fucking Miss World Candidate "oh, I just want world peace and an end to hunger"

As I find the rage spilling out of me like the blood out of Leto's face when he is hit with an axe in American psycho (strangely enough my favourite scene, who'd have guessed it eh ?) I realise that people will disagree with me, however, people are entitled to opinions, and who am i to argue with them (despite the fact that I will) and for my closing statement I will make a lovely generalisation that could be quite accurate.

This Is War is to Music, what the Holocaust was to Human Rights.

Thank you, goodnight, and listen to some real fucking music.
CAW

Eurotrash

That time of year is upon us again. The moments that will live on in our memories for about 2 weeks. Then they become another has been that degraded themselves upon an audience of millions.
Yes, Britains Got Talent is on our screens once again !
Just kidding, although that is about as much fun as a slow testicular dip into battery acid.
The times where the ol' Soviet Union vote for each other in the obligatory back patting/ don't bomb us please routine that we're now used to seeing.
I'm not actually watching it, as I'm far too busy listening to real music (Foo Fighters on BBC 3.) But I know how it'll go. Moldova, Ukraine, Belarus, Serbia etc will all give the maximum points to the old Soviet Union states. Because let's face it, that's where all the talented singers come from. Definitely not because they're all a set of corrupt bastards.

Sorry, I'm realising this is just money for old rope. This point of view isn't a particularly new one, it's been shared by the mass British public for about a decade now. However what hasn't been given too much of a cynical point of view is the superinjunctions which have been in the news lately.
***SPOILER ALERT***

It's allegedly (I actually have to put that word in due to me knowing law and which words will get me sued) RYAN GIGGS who's been knobbing Imogen Thomas, you know. This lass....

Aye, her. So it's apparently Ryan Giggs who's the devoted family man/ premier league star.
Who knows.
In other news when Osama Bin Ladens compound was raided they found porn videos which belonged to the former Al-Qaeda leader. Or, in other terms, he Sky+'d the Grand National (if you don't get that joke you shoud be shot whilst hiding behind your 20 year old wife...)
Don't really have much else to say. I'm too busy watching the God-like Genius that is Dave Grohl on BB3.

A quick question on religion

If Saint Peter was a miracle worker who ALLEGEDLY walked on water with Jesus. And who washed Jesus' feet, and who fought for Jesus as he was being arrested.

Why the fuck was he given the job of staying just outside of heaven for 2000 years (if you believe the bible) whilst undergoing the emotional trauma of rejecting people from the kingdom of heaven forever whilst never getting inside heaven itself.

No sick days, no days off due to him being the sole guardian of the pearly gates for 2. Thousand. Years

Him, forever alone. mere metres outside the kingdom of eternal happiness for 2 Milleniums. Watching everyone frolick and dance with joy as they spend eternity in bliss while he's sending people to damnation.

Where is your all forgiving benevolent beard man now ?

Apathy Inc.

You know you've became lazy when you can barely be arsed to write a blog about the first voting system reform in your country in centuries. When one of the worlds most wanted men is left with a bullet in his head, and when your incestuous overlords welcome one more person into their warped entourage...

But alas, here we go, on another rant about three things that can always be argued froma cynics point of view...
So the U.Ks second voting referendum in its history comes along on Thursday, and I will be voting in my first ever election. I'm personally going to love how many/few councils the Liberal Democrats are left with after this. Welcome to political Siberia Nicky, you'll be here for a while...
The "no" campaign is a one of patronising garbage, with the mass British public seemingly taken for idiots who are unable to write down their preference for votes. I mean, I suppose it's udnerstandable isn't it. I mean, not everyone can pick their favourite candidates/political party out of a list and rank them accordingly. It's utter bollocks quite frankly. And unfortunately, due to the publics political apathy and a well funded campaign to ridicule the idea that our MP's must have a majority of support, chances are us Brits haven't took the time to work out how AV works, and has just accepted that it's complicated.
Oh, one more thing about AV, this poster really fucks me off.
So the country can't afford a new voting system, yet it can afford approximately 2 billion pounds to privatise (sorry, "reform") the National Health Service. Fuck off Cameron.
I'm voting yes on Thursday, because I actually value democracy.

Right, so Osama Bin Laden was killed in the early hours of the morning, which I thought was weird, as I'm sure they're not meant to take out Bins on a bank holiday (you can see where this section is going....) And so with all that, after 10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.

Although that does show you what Americans can truly do once they get off their Playstations for a bit.... although I suspect they have found him due to his details being retrieved from that hack. However I'm looking at this now with cynical shaded glasses.
The Pakistani government has a less than clean record, with terrorism rife in its society. Sorry, it's true. And for the worlds most wanted man to be living 35 miles outside their capital city, 100 metres away from a military base in a slightly conspicuous compound with 12 foot high walls, reeks of foul play. Although give these asians some credit. I suppose it's hard spotting a 6"5 arab man in a turban wandering round with military personnell. hmmm. Oh, and big up to Obama for finally using the information he's had SINCE AUGUST and using it just months before his campaign for re-election begins...

Thank God Bin Laden's dead though, I was getting sick of the royal wedding. Which links me onto my next topic, because 35 million pounds spent on a mans wedding that is only large due to birthright seems a trifle unfair on society. Although I am inclined to take back this statement if it has indeed brought more than that amount into the British economy, however, there will always be a moment from that wedding which will stay long in my heart.
Was it the elegant Kate Middleton walking down the aisle ?
Was it Prince Harry looking nervous as Williams best man ?
Or was it The Queen standing there with the "Yes, that's right fuckers, worship me !" As the crowds sung "God Save The Queen"?
No. It was this....
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you. The highlight of the Royal wedding !
I don't actually want to talk anymore about the Royal Wedding, as I am currently in awe of perfection. Pippa Middleton. On behalf of men everywhere. Thank you.

Right, I think I've ranted enough. I'm now off to try and beat Osamas record at hide and seek. Although Maddie has a few years head start on me :/
Let's do this shit. CAW

The Truth About Margaret Thatcher

***DISCLAIMER - THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN IN JEST, AND ONLY A FOOL WOULD TAKE WHAT WRITTEN AS TRUTH ***

Right. Here we go, the truth about the "Iron Lady" "Maggie the Milk Snatcher" or if you're from the North-East "Lucifer"
I shall now use my expert research and own totally unbiased opinion to gauge a judgement about the political enigma that is Mrs Margaret Thatcher.
In 1925, Margaret Hilda Roberts was born, but to who ? Alfred and Beatrice Roberts may well be on her birth certificate. But there is a little known fact as to her true heritage.
In 1923. The National Socialist Workers Party (NSDAP) were in turmoil after having a forced revolution in Munich. The leaders who were tried were imprisoned. Namely, one Adolf Hitler.
Adolf Hitler was released from prison on the 20th of December 1924. He wasted no time in reforming his old Nazi party. With renewed efforts on winning power via democracy.

He set about winning power in Germany, with the intent of establishing Germany as a world power. So to do this, he assembled like minded individuals with that same dream of fascism and the destruction of a true democracy.
He knew Britain would not agree with his views, so he began to form plots as to how to overthrow it, once he eventually took power in 1933. So he got his top secret scientists to create artificial human beings (the first ever recorded use of a test tube/designer baby) and bred them with his fascist ideals. The first and currently only successful humanoid subject (as Silvio Berlusconi was also part of this project, but went defective in these latter years)

And so Thatcher was born on October 13th, 6 months after Project "Weltanschauung" (world view) was deemed to have gotten off the ground.

Project MT was instigated over the space of 14 years, until the outbreak of World War II, during this time she was airdropped into Allied Territory of Finchley, where she stayed until winning her seat in the General Election of 1959, staying under the radar of the allies so as not to alert them of her true mission to bring down the government and establish the Nazi party's true aims.

After Adolf Hitler was defeated in 1945. Project MT did not know her full role in the destruction of democracy, as her mission statement's were not fully completed, therefore Project MT was unable to be fully completed. However she was able to implement some of the fuhrers ideologies during her time. Such as the glee she took in making children cry (withdrawal of milk) the shooting of innocent Argentinians (the sinking of the Belgrano) and the smashing of the voice of the working class (the unions. Miners strikes etc).

Project MT started to fail to function around 1990, where the Conservative party realised she was too extreme and appointed someone with the most dulcet voice known to man, to appease a rioting generation.

Project MT is currently suffering from a defective memory chip. Which impairs her everyday goings about and has resulted in high profile exaggerations of minor injuries such as a bruised arm and the flu.

Project MT will live on as she is a cyborg, and will only cease to function when the Nazi minister of Propaganda shuts her main circuit off.

So there we go, we've found the truth about Thatcher. And "where is all the proof?" I hear you ask.... Well, When Berlin was under seige towards the end of the war, with the Soviets attacking from the east, and the Brits and Americans attacking from the west, the Germans burnt top secret documents in Adolf Hitlers Berlin bunker, this included the locations of all participants of project Weltanschauung....





Dear god this has been fun. Please don't sue.

Fast Forward to 2012

Right, not much serious content here for this weeks blog. So let's make this blog a lovely little list. Something which wont be continuous rantings, more little things that annoy me, with no explanation given to justify them, if you want to know why I hate it. Message me on whatever format is easiest for you. You lazy bastards.

THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME

• Racists
• Ultra- Liberals
• Communists
• Fascists
• Anti-gay campaigners
• Pro-gay capaigners
• Pro-choice
• Pro- life
• Old people
• Babies
• Teenagers
• Adults
• Politicians
• People who are politically apathetic
• Activists
• White people
• Black people
• Asian people
• White people who think they're black people
• Loud people
• Quiet people
• Katie Price
• Slags who pretend to be prudey
• Prudey girls who pretend to be slags
• Skinny people saying they're fat
• Fat people saying they're skinny
• Skinny people being too skinny
• Fat people being too fat
• Smokers
• Posers
• Tramps
• Loud drunks
• Straight edge people
• Wastes of space
  
• Over achievers
• Never having any credit on my phone
• The 9th series of Scrubs
• Megan Fox getting all that surgery
• Pretty much everything in the world. Past present and future.
• Nu-metal
• Industrial
• Pop Punk
• Pop
• Justin FUCKING Bieber
• My exam grades
• The Disney Channel
• Manufactured music acts
• The X Factor
• Britains got retards
• Pete Wentz.
  

I'm aware that was a Doctor Cox-esque style rant. But truthfully I could not give a fuck.

CAW

Corporation day.

Well ladies and gents, I'm back. And over the last month I've changed in some aspects for the better, and in some aspects for the worst. I guess oly the opinions of my friends (the only opinions I actually care about) will allow me to see if the general change is better or worse than I was.

I've become even more cynical than I ever thought I could be. Even the cutest thing in the world now seems to irritate me to a horrific extent. Not least of all that one day of the year where couples around the UK celebrate the fact that somewhere in this vast earth, someone wants to be with them.

However that's not enough, you have to show this love via expensive gifts provided by our lovely corporations exploiting the need for consumerism across the country, from roses to chocolates to fucking stuffed animals, these all represent love. Somehow ?

If chocolate symbolises love, why hasn't Willy Wonka been on more dates than Russell Brand ?
If roses symbolise love, does that mean that love can be picked out of a huge bunch of potential candidates, with a good chance of you being hurt from picking that one, and it dying early through neglect and lack of adequate care ?
And if Teddy Bears symbolise love, why hasn't the Bear Factory been done in a police raid for effectively grooming children ?

I hate valentines day. I hate next to everything it stands for. But most of all I hate the fact people feel the need to take one specific day of the year to show someone they love them.

No, that's not what it's all about, you shouldn't NEED a fucking corporate holiday to show you love someone, you shouldn't HAVE to buy cliched gifts for a loved one, and you shouldn't feel obliged to spent an extortionate amount on a person who you like/love/ are in love with.

The fact that something like love, which was one of the few things I thought you couldn't put a price tag on, has now been reduced to a 10 pack of roses from Asda or a chocolate heart from M & S shows the fact that humanity, as a whole, are fucking idiotic consumerist sheep who are led to the cash abatoir by greedy bastards with "£'s" in their eyes. WAKE UP ANY REALISE WE DON'T NEED TO CELEBRATE A NEEDLESS HOLIDAY! We don't get a day off work for it, we don't gain serious benefit from it, so why waste your time on unessential shit ?

So I'll leave you with a motivational message. Fuck valentines day. Don't make plans with your loved one, be spontaneous. That is a lot more romantic than candlelit dinners. Those times when you surprise your partner with something are the best occasions in ANY relationship. Trust me.

Fuck it all.
CAW