The Final Post of the Seventeen Year Old Cynic.

Yes, this is it.
The final blog entry of the Seventeen year old cynic (I decided to give myself this alter ego as a lot of figures in history had alter ego's, For example :

• Ronnie Barker had Gerald Wiley
• David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust
• Clark Kent had Superman
• And the Pope has this alter ego
  

But in all seriousness, the mutterings of a seventeen year old cynic was only started as I had been told ranting and venting makes you feel better and allows more personal growth and emotional stability.
That person in now in a mental home.

I actually don't have much to rant about anymore, it's quite unfortunate.
Although there is a handful of things I can think of from the top of my head.
Stupid People.
Michael McIntyre.
And whatever fills my angry little skull whilst I write this.

On Facebook (you know what that is, it's that thing that's responsible for a generation of teenagers obsessed with getting as many friends online as possible) there was a girls "about me section" which read " Aim for the moon, so even if you fail, you'll land among the stars"

For normal people, this would read as something rather cute, but for me, this represents a stupid bitch. Does she not know that the moon is just a tad close to us than the sun??
Does she not know that if you failed in reaching the moon, you'd run out of oxygen and die?
Silly bitch, should be in the kitchen making me a sammich.
EDIT - This is not about Catherine :P

Mr Michael McIntyre, since your show the "Comedy Roadshow" (And I use the term comedy VERY loosely) is a very damaging show to the environment, due to you travelling the length and width of the country to find some new comedy "talent" may I suggest saving the planet another way by not using paper to write jokes, instead, you can just prance up and down the stage, put on high pitched voices, and wiggle your hair backwards and forwards. Then you'll somehow cause the paying public will bray like donkeys and clap like fish fed seals like some mutant half seal, half donkey offspring.

Speaking of mutant offspring, did any of you see that Chris Moyles hasn't been paid in two months ?
Wow, it must really make a difference when you are paid £500,000 of the taxpayers annual funding you obnoxious bastard. Hows about you suck it up, be a man about it, and talk to the directors, instead of ranting on air to your faithful listeners and expecting them to call some sort of Russian Revolutio-esque strike.
You cunt.

A small blog by my standards, however, I think "The Mutterings of a Seventeen Year Old Cynic" has been fun, and has, as such, run it's course.


Only kidding, the blogs will be back, but under a new name, the title is only a deviation to the normal "What I'm listening to" because this time I will not be the 17 year old cynic, I will be 18 (Fuck, shit, bollocks, cunting wankering spunkfest) so I will be coming back soon, but with a new name. ;) Look out for the "Ramblings of a Drunken Madman"

Till then, the world's not a shit place, Stupid pricks make it seem that way.
Seventeen year Old cynic, signing off.

Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction.

Yes, this is currently what I'm listening to.
It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I'm worried I may have lost my offensive edge, so what I'm going to do is a "pre seasons" blog, where I warm up for another onslaught of the college year, this blog will be me using some of my most offensive phrases, designed to offend nobody in particular.I shall also do this in a monologue format, like a very ranty speech.Here goes....

I've recently got back from a two week holiday in Lanzarote, it was fucking boiling, but no-one could give a shite if had been to the city of Atlantis or if I had been to Hiroshima (although that would explain my new limbs). In my hotel there was a little gym where I decided to go to TRY and muscle up. I should explain, gyms are these mythical places where the beautiful people of the world go to meet up with other beautiful people and laugh with other beautiful people. It is a place where the normal people, the ones who enjoy a pie and a pint at a football match are made to feel like lepers (which reminds me, what did the leper say to the prostitute ?? Keep the tip.). I was on the bike where I saw Katy Perrys newest video, it was also at this point where my cock exploded (fortunately I already had a towel handy, for the machines, that's my reason and I'm sticking to it)
Also at this hotel was a man in a wheelchair, now, I don't have to be particularly talented to get jokes out of this one, so all I shall say is this, you have never seen anything as funny in your life as a pelatic man where inly 50% of his limbs actually work. Club singers are also frequent in tourist destinations , and some of their voices were so bad that the only way I can describe them was if I can get you to imagine an animal being slowly impaled with a hosepipe up their anal canal.
Walking through Costa Teguise town centre I saw a "Missing Kid" notice, now, I don't know the proper Spanish term for missing kid, although in ignorant spanish it is pronounced "Missing-o ......KID-O" with lots of gesticulating.Anyway, I digress, this missing kid poster. I took one look at it and thought "Jesus Christ, the police might as well send out their divers for a body because no kidnappers will be keeping that ugly fucker alive to rape."
Read the Sunday Mirror whilst I was over there, and saw in it an article about Jon Venables saying he has "Found God" (in the Catholic sense)and has claimed he has been "forgiven".It made me think. He obviously knows what he's doing, because if ANY religion in the world is going to forgive you for fiddling kids, it'll be the Catholics. And unfortunately, that isn't a joke, especially coupled with the Grand Master Paedophiles visit to the UK (AKA The Pope).
It was also claimed at the Mirror and the BBC (by our good 'ol Tory Propaganda machine The Sun) that they give too much coverage to Labour, and smear the Tories too much. Win for hypocrisy right there. But to be fair, if the BBC DID have an anti Tory bias, they would have done something about it, like spending billions of taxpayers license fee's to research an injectable form of Alzheimers in Margeret Thatcher during a 1987 episode of question time.THEORETICALLY.
Oh, and whilst we're on the subject on degenerative diseases, they've found a cure for cerebal palsy, it's called a silver bullet.
Ooooh, I'm now watching the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction, legendary :)
Which reminds me of another form of abuse, feeding me airline food. I would not feed that shit to my worst fucking enemy, it is honestly only eaten because between the choice of not eating for 48 hours, and eating something whilst looks like regurgitated faeces, I would eat the pukey poop. Albeit it begrudgingly.
I also had a small round of mini golf over there, which some fucking Germans interrupted by walking across the course. So, being the good sport I am, decided to let it slide........ish
HOWEVER, when my sister asked the time, I took great satisfaction is telling her
"19:45, although it was 19:18 not too long ago"
However I did not mention the football, due to the fact those schnitzel eating krauts got us back not too long ago.
Our representative in the hotel was in my opinion, the living emobodiment of the phrase "a fucking screw loose" his name was Igor, and I have no doubt in my mind that he was on grade A narcotics.He was a beautiful human being. Even though he was Portugese.
And to finish of my anger part of the blog, I shall end with fair trade products, which were being pressed upon me during my time over in the Canary Isles.

I could not give a fuck if my cocoa beans come from the bloody hands of Robert Mugabes beaten and oppressed people, if I can get them for 20p less than your fair trade shit, I'll get them.

It felt good to get that off my chest, if you have read this without spitting feathers, reporting me to the relevant authorities, or in general wanting nothing more to do with me. Thanks you.
Normal service will be resumed after the first week in college, which I'm weirdly looking forward to.
Whiteman xx

Downfall Of Us All

*All of this blog will be written in jest and only a fool would take it as my own beliefs and serious opinions*

Well, basically, I've got nothing to rant about properly, so I am officially taking a summer break
*Pauses to hear dozens of people cheer*
So for my last blog for a few weeks I thought I'll give you all something nice to think about.
The end of the world.
This was a theory that me and an old school friend discussed way back, 2 years ago. When we discovered the Ebola Virus. For those who don't know, I shall give you an extract to the information from the "Ebola Facebook Page"

"Ebola is a disease found in mainland Africa, deep in jungles. The first symptoms of ebola are a high fever and extreme muscular pains in the head and back. After this the patient becomes inable to leave the bed due to the extreme pain caused by the disease destroying connective tissues in the muscles. Next the virus spreads to all the internal organs and begins to literally liquify them except from the liver, which it turns into a giant ball of blood clot. The patient then begins to vomit blood along with liquified parts of organ and blood begins to leak from every orrifice in the body including the genitalia and (if you're female) the nipples. The lining of the gut then becomes distatched and is passed through the anus along with a lot of blood. The virus then begins attacking the connective tissue in the skin and the skin begins to tear off in large chunks. The patient then suffers painful and uncontrollable convulsions of the body followed by blood leaking violently from the mouth and anus. Finally necrosis sets in and the patient begins to rot up to 3 days before finally dying. The disease is particularly violent in pregnant woman causing spontaneous abortion of the child who is born showing symptoms that they died of ebola. The mother then dies from uncontrollable blood loss from the cervix. This disease is 100% real and has a mortality rate of around 90-92%. The first place the worst strain of this disease struck was at a nun missionary in Yambuku, Zaire (Now Democratic Republic Of Congo). Where is your god now?"ebola is spread through direct contact with blood or other bodily secretion of infected people. This close proximity infection, makes outbreaks among small communities and families very common. Infection can also be caused through contact with contaminated medical equipment such as needles, glassware, no sterile equipment, or careless lab procedures.

This got me and my friend thinking, what would happen if Ebola broke out and infected the world, akin to a "dawn of the dead" type virus??

Well this is how the Ebola Doomsday Theory started, and until recently lay dormant in my warped mind, until Andrew Herridge decided to help me develop the theory.
The initial thought of the virus is that it kills 9/10 people.
Also, at this time, the rate of homosexuality in people was about 1/10
This cannot be a coincidence, so surely the ones who survive ebola must be gay.
So this with that logic ebola will wipe out most of the heterosexual humans in this planet.
The theory then developed into "ebola is the type of disease that is so horrific, it attacks your soul first"
This led me and Herridge into the next survivors of the Ebola virus.
Gingers.
These people will not be killed due to the fact they do not have souls to begin with, therefore the virus cannot be fully effective on them. So the only hope of reproducing in this virus destroyed world will be ginger kids. Oh dear.
As the gay people will not reproduce, they will have no responsibility to families, and will therefore be appointed as "village" leaders in the slowly rebuilding world, due to the fact they will not have any other committments.
So the villages will be led by their leaders (chances are they'll want to be like a monarchy, so may I suggest calling them Queens? Or has that already been taken?) So by the end of it we will have villages overrun with ginger kids with an exquisite fashion sense.
In this new world of gays and gingers however, there will still be prejudice, but not towards the usual suspects ( the set of survivors) no, the intolerance will pass onto the next generation, due to the ginger gene/curse being a recessive allelle, therefore any non ginger child will be prejudiced against. This will be down to the fact that ginger kids have suffered for generations due to their tangey-ness, and will be looking for some payback.

WE WILL BE EXACTLY HOW WE ARE NOW,ONLY WITH ROLE-REVERSAL!!!
This, coupled with the "bitchiness" of their gay leaders, will lead to the suicide of every non-ginger child ever concieved in this apocalyptic world, leading to the inevitable genocide of non gingers and the purity of the new "ayran race of orangeness"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed this final blog before my summer break.
I hope you're now all aware about the potential threat that is posed to our society if an Ebola virus ever does break out.
The world's not a shit place, but it could end soon....CAW XX

That Was Just Your Life

Oh Metallica, how I've missed you.
The same can be said for my blog, I've missed ranting, but I've been quite content at the moment, up until I saw George Osbournes face on Prime Ministers questions.
His face makes me so mad I want to punch a child in the face because of it. LOL JK I punch children anyway.
Which reminds me, bandwagons are, and will always be, shit!
Lately I've been running out of steam with the contents of my blog, and I think after my last blog I raged enough for several weeks worth.
Hence this very belated blog, written on a Tuesday afternoon :O

Watching the BBC news channel at the moment, and is hearing that the most deadly place in Afghanistan is being handed over from British control to American control. This is a good move, as everyone would prefer a dead American to a dead Brit (there, I said it)
The anniversary of 7/7 is today, and this is a topic that not even I'm sick enough to crack a funny on.
However, one subject I am willing to joke about, is Raoul Moat.
What a steroid addicted child beating cunt.
I'll explain this story in very simple terms

• This ginger brick shit house got into a bad ass roid rage and twatted a child
• He got arrested, and was given 18 weeks in prison
• He got out, and found out his ex bird had shacked up with the other bloke, who he thought was a police officer
• He got into another roid rage, turned green, said "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and shot his ex and the new boyfriend (the boyfriend then died, everyone say "awww")
• He then shot a copper, he lived (yay!)
• He then went on the run, and declared war on the police (I don't blame him, Sting is a right pretentious cunt)
• And now we're onto the present day, where countless rumours (mostly spawned by me ) have been circulating as to Moats whereabouts
  
• He's in Rothbury
• And Blyth, and Amble, and Seaton Delaval, and Birtley, and Longbenton.
• Allegedly

The Police have released an image of a man who they believe to be Moat, this was taken just outside of Rothbury:

"MOAT SMASH!!!!!!"

Another story I'm hearing on BBC news is that two gay asylum seekers have been granted asylum due to the fact that they would suffer persecution.
I think I'll just dodge this potential homophobic minefield right here.

Adverts - mainly, 5 gum
What is the point in having an advert where the only line in advertising is "How it feels to chew 5 gum" and then what follows it is a man lying on a giant pool of ball bearings whilst a heavy bassline kicks in. What does this say about the gum ? Does it have a heavy bassline ? Does it taste of balls ? or men ?
Why don't the makers of this gum just use the same line "How it feels to chew 5gum" and have the same man, in front of the camera, chew it, and go "mmm, that's quite nice"
"YOU'RE WASTING TAXPAYERS MONEY WITH YOUR NONSENSICAL ADVERTS YOU SET OF MONEY WASTING CUNTS!!!!!!!"
[/rage]
Another T.V anger point was tuning into the show "Being N- Dubz". All I understood from it is that 3 talentless cunts somehow got a record deal, and then because they were from some slums, they earned their own t.v show.
Here's an idea Channel 4, save money for this show by just having 3 graphic photos of knobs on it, because let's face it, that gives us an even better insight as to what "Being N-Dubz" is like.

End of rage, hope you enjoyed it, ish
The worlds not a shite place, but pointless T.V makes it seem that way. CAW XX

Know Your Enemy

"Do you know the enemy ? Do you know your enemy ? Well gotta know the enemy wahey"

Fuck it, I'm not going to bore you with details, I'll just head straight into what's boiled my piss this week. Politics, Tourists and southerners, and musical opinion.

Politics to start off with, and with The Conservative - Liberal Democrats coalition (now being named Con-Dem) now into it's second month of government, a lot of people were wondering what will be in the Chancellors budget. Well basically, the spongers get less benefits and private businesses get tax breaks. Same Tories, different decade.
Nick and "Dave" walked into Downing Street, and had a message for all the working classesInside Downing street Nick and Dave worked out how best to run the country, over tea, caviar, and the obligatory Conservative initiation ceremony known as "Felching". After this they decided to let Davids old Eton chum Osbourne a chance to have some fun and give him a chance to fist the commoners.
Upper Class Bum Boy wankers. This has been confirmed by my source inside Downing Street where it was reported that for every £1 The Conservatives increase in taxes, another £4 will be put into the male prostitution business. ( This source however needs to be verified, due to my sources' last bit of leaked information linking Lionel Messi with a multi pound move to Blyth Spartans)
I watched George Osbourne give the emegency budget today, and my hatred of him still hasn't diminished. Because to me, George Osbourne epitomises the Conservative party of today. What I mean is,his real name is Gideon.
Yes, you heard right, Gideon Osbourne, who changed his name so he would be seen as more approachable (or so he wouldn't get his head stoved in at Eton) Much like David Camerons "Just call me Dave" ploy.
After giving the emergency budget, George Osbourne went to a press conference, when asked what he thought about the working classes Gideon was quoted as saying this ;
Again, my source needs verification. (and google serf, because that photo is very funny. )

Went to London to see Green Day a few days ago (hence the title of this blog) and whilst the gig was as epic as I thought it would be, and more. London provided a stark contrast to what people think of it.
It's shit. I personally think this because it is made up of three of my least favourite groups of people :

• Southerners
• Americans
• And the French

The latter two being tourists
My reasons of destesting these groups of people are this.
Southerners - they are shandy drinking, wife beating soft bastards who can't take a bit of cold and who's world ends when a few inches of snow shows it's face (proven by the snow of early '10)

Americans - Fat, Stupid, Cunts, divided into two categories
The Redneck types - the KKK suporting, Coors light drinking,incest loving fuckers.
And the Civilised ones - However these are just as bad, as their lifestyle is one of suing everyone should they do something slightly wrong, like botch a vasectomy or sow their surgical gown to the patients anus.

Which leads me to my next bit about America - the BP oil spill, personally, whilst I think that it was British fault for this happening, it was as a direct consequence of the American Capitalist nature wanting more and more oil, but didn't want to invade another country for it, so it drove the oil rig to destruction.
However, the cynical side of my suggest that the U.S.A Government may have fixed the destruction of their property and arranged the deaths of some of their own people in exchange to salvage some oil from a organisation that wasn't theirs.
Much like they did with 9/11.
The French. A friend of mine once said about France "How could one country get it so right, but so wrong?"
After much deliberation I have decided that he is right.
I've thought about it for some time, and made a list about what I think he's referring to :

• French Society - It is a secular society, and removes all religious prejudices. However it is also a volatile society with riots taking place most of the time, and leaves Paris exactly how it was in the early 1940'2. In flames
  
• French Football - for every success of the team (such as the 98 & 06 World Cup) You will have the heartless surrenders of 02 and more recently, 2010.
• French Food - For every glorious pastry you will have cheese that tastes like it's came from Jacque Chiracs Bell End. And legs,'nuff said.
• French Language - French is the language of love, and I love hearing french women speak in it, however, when men speak there is a certain....let's call it "cuntishness" about the way they talk.
• French women - Beautiful, but don't shave. Anywhere.
• French passion - Apparently they're passionate, however I only see them as spineless surrender monkeys.
  

And finally, I was watching Scuzzs' top 40 21st century acts, Machine Head were top (fair enough) Second however, was Bring Me The Horizon.
Words can't really express just how much Scuzz disappointed me in this. But anyone with a vague knowledge in music will know that a bad fronted by a golden shower loving tattooed from head to toe girl is not the 2nd best band in the 21st century.

Rant over, hope you enjoyed this weeks, I actually made an effort and wrote some of my own jokes for this blog, rather than calling everyone cunts and raiding Sickipedia.
The world's not a shit place, it's just Gideon and tourists make it seem that way. CAW XX

Adieu

And that's the end of it.
No, not my blogs, sorry to dissapoint you all but they'll continue until I either A - Die, or B - find loving and eternal happiness with my fellow man.
So the more likely outcome is option A.
The "end " to which I'm referring to is the end of the college year for me
You may think, that whilst the worlds greatest sporting event is on, I'd find it hard to be hateful
You may also think, that after seeing AC/DC, crowdsurfing to Bullet For My Valentine and A Day To Remember, I would find no reason to show resentment to the world.
And you may finally think that given the fact I'm seeing Green Day in 6 days time, the future looks bright.

Well, on all accounts, you'd be wrong.

Let's face it, the world is still a pretty contemptuous place, with the main venom this week being attracted towards pensioners, and "The end"
Pensioners first. Some of them are great, in fact, there is a lot of good about pensioners. However, the ones who annoy me are the ones that think because their balls/tits go past their knees, the world should treat them differently
NO PENSIONERS!!!
You will be treat with the same way I treat every other human being. With contempt.
And if that pisses you off because "Young people today have no respect for their elders" you are probably wrong, because young people do have respect for their elders in the same way they respect other people. Earn it to get it.
You do not earn respect by being openly racist on public transport, and by pushing in the queue in greggs, and by showing the basic human decency of letting someone through in a queue in first freeze when all they have is a can of pop and the pensioner has an entire weeks worth of shopping, subsequently making them late to his lesson
Old people should be smothered as soon as they become one of "those" type of pensioners, aka the complaining ones who are just frankly rude to other people.



On a just as depressing note, my exams finished the other day, and whilst that in itself was a happy note, it made me think about most of the people who I won't see through the holidays. Bad times. Especially when a lot of the friends I've made at college are absolutely top drawer.
It takes me back to my last year at Blyth Community College. I made some of the most influential friends I ever thought possible, friends who brought me out my shell, friends who turned me into the horrically offensive excuse for a human being I am now. And friends who I've left behind.
And friends who I haven't seen, in some cases, in a year. Now this is pretty shit for me, seeing as how I consider them pretty big influences in my personality.
And now the same will be for my college mates, only not as big of a gap. This, will suck more than Jodie Marsh on a first date. Coupled with the fact I will inevitably drop a subject where I have really good mates in.
The whole point of the blog is to say that the things in life which are (to me, this week) fucking shit, are pensioners and bidding adieu to people.
To end this blog, I'm not going to use my usual phrase. I'll end it with this.
I may slag BCC off, but I spent 3 years of my life there, and will always miss most of the friends I made there, whether they hate me these days or not.
CAW XX
P.s - Rob Green would still be my number 1, every keeper makes mistakes. And if I hear a vuvuzela in Blyth I will find the owner, bend him over a bench, pull his pants down and stick that fecking trumpet up his arse, and let his farts blow the bastarding thing next time.

Labyrinth

Well, it looks like the end is nigh for our friends here.
He's finding it hard to keep his head, especially with that girl screaming in his ear
We've gotta ask ourselves, do they deserve this ?
It's a minute to make your mind up o clock, speak now or forever hold your peace.


Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Used generally at weddings, although in this blog, the usage of the phrase will be about holding your tongue and bitching.


We'll start off with something I know I wanted t talk about, then hopefully the hatred and resentment for society will spill out of me like blood from an ebola victim.
Formsprings - I can understand the initial attraction of wanting one, anonymity means that people will not be scared of the reprecussions of saying "I would do unspeakable things to you" meaning the writer of the statement would not be embarassed, whilst the recipient would get a compliment
HOWEVER, Newtons third law of Motion comes into play here
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This isn't just true for motion, I believe that society has this, a lot like Karma.
So for every nice comment on these formsprings, you will always get one person going "You're gay...................you fucking sicken me" (only with poorer grammar, as homophobic people generally have a looser grasp on the english language)
People with formspring accounts these days generally do confuse me quite a bit, as they've seen what some people have had done to them ( Like my girlfriends best friend, and a gay lad in my history class). So why have an account when you know people are just going to attempt to make your day shit ?
I mean howay!?!?, making your life seem shit is my job ;)
The next bit of my blog was about an argument I got into over music, but then I had a epiphany, and the realisation I'm not going to be petty and bitch about someone in a blog, after I have just slagged off people for being cunts online when they dont have the balls to say it

The phrase at the start of the blog is a phrase which rings true to me.
Speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Basically, say whatever is on your mind, because if you hold back, you'll regret it yourself
and it you say something harsh without making your identity known, you're a coward.

The reason this blog isn't as hate filled as normal, is because I've discovered something rare for me. Happiness.
This holiday has been epic, here's a quick list about what I got up to.

• Ive basked in the sun eating chinese food with my girlfriend
• I've witnessed the best unsigned band I've ever seen
• I've been at a barbeque in the sun with a beer in one hand and a reggae reggae burger in the other
• I've seen old friends
• I've made new friends
• There was even a bear
  

(Awful joke, I'm aware of that, sorry :P )
I even did a bit of revision :O

Basically.The world, for once, is a good place.
Sorry for the lack of cynicism, but I just dont feel hateful today
CAW xx