Famous Last Words

Yes, I was listening to MCR. And I'm as ashamed of myself as you all are of me.
Following last weeks blog aimed at one seperate subculture of society (Charvers) I've found that one long non-sensical rant seems to get the approval of most of the people reading my blogs.
In this blog, I think I'll aim my blog/rant/muttering at the media.

Let's begin.
Last week, Lord Triesman (the head of the F.A) was caught saying that he believes Spain and Russia would bribe referees in the world cup. This was caught by a woman (Insert mysogynistic comment here) who had an alleged affair with Triesman. Where does this link to the media?? I hear you say, well. The Daily Fascism, woops, sorry, I mean Daily Mail paid this woman £75,000 to entrap this bloke, and to publish the story.

This woman and right wing rag could cost the British Economy 3 billion pound

This is because the English FA are trying to launch a bid to host the 2018 world cup, and since the (then ) head of the English Football Association. And having someone accuse another competitor of corruption is quite a serious business.
Could the Daily Mail keep this to themselves, could they fuck.
They decided to publish this article, to sell a few more papersto a few more bigots (oh no, I called someone a bigot, watch the media string me up.)
In publishing this they may have lost England the hosting of the world cup, which would have brought 3 billion pound in from the revenue.
Well done, you racist,bigoted, treacherous set of national traitors.

Next up
The Sun
Rant not needed, we all know it's shit.

And finally
Sky News, owned by the ever cuntish Rupert Murdoch. As usual, a typically right wing biased source of "information". A generally unprofessional organisation (I mean how competent can you be, when Eamonn Holmes fronts one of your flagship broadcasts, fucking Manc Pikey Bastard)
And yes, my blogs are biased, but that's only because I'm an amateur blogger, and allowed to be partial
Observe,
THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY ARE FUCKING CUNTS AND WILL TAKE BRITAIN BACK INTO A RECESSION

:D

But, I did enjoy how a Labour politician made the Conservative political broadcaster of sky news rage like a mutherfucker the day after the election.
Observe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZm5cm0ZtL4

He madddddd :D
Right, bored of this now, been a pretty boring day. Not helped by the frankly shit Champions League final
The worlds not a shit place, Right wing media make it seem that way
CAW xx

The Poison.

This was not the original title I wanted to name this blog.
I initially wanted to title this blog as "Charvers are illiterate fucking cunts" but thought that was too stereotypical (that and the fact I was unable to find a song that was remotely close to this choice)
If you have been reading my Facebook ( Which to be fair, is where most of my blogs get linked) You will know that this weeks blog is about the social lowlife that is, Charvers.
These socially inept waste of space are living proof that, in the long run, spunk is sometimes better swallowed.
However, since making stereotypes is apparently wrong, I now feel obligated to say that there may be some good charvers out there, there is hope that natural selection will shine on them and hopefully create a small brood of mini-charvs that contribute to society and help old ladies across the road, without forcefully taking money off them.
Somehow, I doubt it though.

NOWWWW, IT'S TIME, FOR THE MAAAAAAAIIIIIIN EVENTTTTTTTT !!!!!

On the bus back from Newcastle, I was atop of a double decker bus, and since all the "good seats" were taken (the front ones and the back ones), I decided to stick with the social norm and found a seat which was away from everyone else.The back seats of the bus were taken up by three people.
These people.
Were Charvers.
The names are irrelevant. But the decision to sit at the back was without a doubt, one of the best decisions I had made in my entire bus journey back to Blyth.
The blog will now consist of extracts from the conversations by the Dolewalling bastards. If you do not like it. Click away onto porn or something else just as worthwhile. If you like laughing at people who are medically fine, but intellectually, a bit "lacking" then sit back, pull up a nice comfortable sitting position, and enjoy.

These Conversations extracts are as true as I can remember, with the amount of offensive language being as close to 100% accurate.

Man known in this blog, as Curtis (roughly 22 years old)-"Where's me fucking phone"
Woman known as Crystal ( Who still had a school uniform on, so at most, 16 Y.O) " I dont know where your fucking phone is"
Curtis - You fucking do, I fucking gave it to you, you fucking daft cunt
Cry - No you fucking didn't, so shut the fuck up
Cur -Dont you fucking start !!
Cry - I'm not fucking starting.
Cur -Dont you fucking start, I gave you my phone
Cry- I'm not fucking starting, No you fucking didn't
*This goes on for about 5 minutes, the language getting increasingly blue*
Silence..........
Curtis - Found me phone, it was in me back pocket.


10 minutes later
Crystal - I can do what I want, I've got the fucking money (bearing in mind she is a 16 Year Old schoolgirl
Curtis - Don't fucking bullshit, no you dont.
Crystal -..................................Me Mams got the money.

Who says charvers are spongers :O ??

Ten Minutes later
Curtis - Who you fucking texting ?
Crystal - Me Ma
Cur - Are ye fuck man
Cry - Yes I fucking am. Here, look *Shows Cuntis the phone*
Cur - Whey, how do I know this is it, you could've deleted it as soon as I asked (bearing in mind he snapped mere seconds after she got the text)
Cry - I fucking doubt it.
Cur - Whey I can't see your phone from there, you fucking spakkaaaaa

*At this point the third charver on the bus makes his voice heard, sort of.*
Chrisssssyy - Haaawhawwwwwwww (you all know the Charver laugh that I'm on about.)
Cur - If you're texting Jess again...
Cry - I'm not fucking texting Jess,besides, she's me mate anyway
Cur -If I ever see you with Jess, I'll fucking twat you.

Charvers- Domestically abusing girlfriends 5 years their juniors since 2010

Oh, And when driving past a First School, the quiet Charver decided to shout
"AHA, ST PAULS CATHOLIC SCHOOL, FUCKING SCUM, ****** IS BETTER!!!!"
This insult was shouted, at a first school. Yes ladies and gents, a Man, who looked about early 20's was mocking, a First School.
A Fecking First School.
I thought School rivalries went out of the window when your balls dropped ?.
And finally, the last extract of the worlds most hilarious bus journey.
The bus stop finally came , where the Twattish Trio finally left our "glorious" public transport system. It was then that I finally saw them. The two lads were dressed exactly how I'd expect a twenty year old Charver to dress.

• Adidas classis hoodies (both of them)
• Tattered jeans
• And one of them was even clutching a half empty Lambrini bottle

Classy.

And as they finally went downstairs, the swearing continued. Still as classy as ever, referring to each other as "fucking cunts" and it was at this point a man, who's name and face I will never know, did somethine which has given me a little bit of hope in the human race:

Random Bloke - Excuse me mate, can you tone down your language, I've got a bairn here who doesn't need to hear it
Cuntis - WHAAAT?!?!?!, I'm not fucking doing anything you stupid twat
Random - You are, you're swearing lots in front of my little'un
Cuntis - Fuck off (as he walks towards the bloke)

* It was at this point a scuffle broke out, and as I did not have a good look, I can only assume that Curtis was finally twatted, as when he got off the bus, he had a lovely red mark on his face :) *
The Charvers then retreated to their lovely little council houses, whilst making threatening gestures to the bloke who just wanted to keep his bairn away from the social scum that are Charvers.
I think this just about covers it. I hope you all enjoyed the Adventures of Curtis and Crystal.
And one or two final message to charvers.
"Over there is a fire, I suggest you go and die in it"
And my personal favourite
"Why don't you go and do something useful with your life. Like end it."
The Worlds not a shit place, it's just that Charvers make it seem that way CAW XX

All Hope Is Gone

Was there an election on ??




Lol jk, I know there was
Speaking of which.Bandwagons are still shit, stop making them.

Well Fuck.Me.Sideways.

I woke up this morning to a few angry texts about some group of peoples called the Conservatories that had won some house on this game show thingy, where the three finalists had to stand facing each other for 3 x 90 minute job interviews and try to send each other into fits of uncontrollable rages and/or tears.
*Gets someone who knows about politics to help write the blog*

Right, where were we ??
Oh yeah, The Conservative party, led by the Eton tutored Toff David William Donald "just call me Dave" Cameron, and that odious little cretin George Osbourne win 307 seats, which, in Lay mans terms (I only just found out what that meant last night) is "a decent amount". As opposed to what they needed to win the election outright, which (again in laymans terms) could only be described as "a shitload."
And now this leads us to the hung Parliament which we have now.
No clear leader. No single policies set out.No hope.
Or so it seems....
The Liberal Democrats have failed to capitalise on their "Cleggmania" and fucked that up royally, to the point where they lost seats. Hahahaha.Fuckwits. So now they are in bed with Mr Cameron (not a nice thought is it.)
To stop this being a political narrative, I'll explain the jist/gist of the election in bullet points :

• Tories are now sucking Lib Dem dick to try to get their majority.
• If they do, the Tories will get into power.
• Tories = bad.
• Gordon Brown = good.
• Thatcher = Cunt.
• E = Mc2.

If people are yet to understand my glaring contempt of the Conservatives. I will explain it in these very handy bullet points :

• I'm from Blyth, a former mining town
• Thatcher bent the mining towns over a table and fucked them till every good, hard working bloke was out of a job.
• Thatcher was a tory.
• And a cunt.
• The Conservatives generally look after the middle classes upwards.And I'm poor.

BAD TORIES!!!! (have I not made this clear??)
Yes, I know Cameron isn't Thatcher, but at the same time, he's a fucking close comparison these days. As he allegedly "Admired her handling of the Unions." Bad omens.
Oh, and here's a good little story for you's.

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/8118468.Cameron_says_state_spending_must_be_cut_in_North_East/

Oh well, it's all in the past now, chances are, a Conservative government is imminent. I could not do anything myself, seeing as how ;
A- I'm not old enough to vote, and
B - My constituency is so solidly Labour you could put a red rosette on David Cameron himself and he'd win it for Labour (this may explain my staunch Labour-ism, if there is such a word)
I think we're about finished here kiddies.
I'll just sum it up with an opinion on Mr Cameron, and indeed, ALL politicians. It is a lyric taken from the song which this blog is named after
"A broken promise is as good as a lie." Corey Taylor - 2008
Till then,
The Country's not a shit place, but under a Tory government, it will be. CAW xx

Pretty On The Outside.

So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you're only.
Pretty on the outside!
Taken from Bullets new album. A fucking good listen :)

Anyhoooo.Three issues, three rants, and three more nights...(the latter will be explained at the bottom)

Popular Music, Popular Figures, and Popular Opinions in general.

Popular music - I generally dont understand the concept of the popular music industry, if there was anything more fake and unflattering. Whilst I understand that the music industry is a business above everything else, must it persist in funneling this shite into our televisions. I mean, lately, the mainstream is filled with the following:

• An X factor Reject (says it all really)
• A "rapper" who's ghetto name is not anything like "Blud" or "Gat". No, his c-rapper name is "Chipmunk." For.Fuck.Sake...............Cunt.
  
• A "Singer" who's career has only became a musical one due to the fact she stars in a Dinsey channel show, and therefore will have lots of mindless Disney drones buying/downloading her song.
• Lady Gaga - 'Nuff said.
• Glee Cast - Read above.
• Justin Beiber - Read two posts up.
• Ellie Goulding - An English singer with the voice of an Irish pixie being Sodomised.

And That's just the top twenty. We'll do a quick estimate, how many of these singers/bands/artists will be around in TEN years time ?
Nah, too far, how about. How many of these artists will be around in FIVE years time ?
Still pushing it a bit.How about in TWO years time ?
The answer- not many. We'll focus on Lady Gaga, the only thing original about her is a dress sense, which is surprisingly enough, not the thing which makes music.The thing which makes music ( AKA - The voicebox, the Larynx, the Ol Shit Spouter) sounds totally unoriginal. If you disagree, then I suggest you listen to anything by Gwen Stefani, as I personally believe Lady Gaga to be nothing else but Gwen Stefani with a very odd dress sense.....................And a dick.

Popular figures - Sue.
For fuck sake Sue.You useless bitch.Why did you put Gordon with that "Bigoted woman". What were you playing at ? Putting a woman with a Scottishman, personally I think she got off lightly, I'd have told her to fuck off.
Everyone is surprised that Gordon Brown has ruined the housing industry and caused a severe National debt.I dont see why people are so surprised, the Jocks have been attacking our land and robbing our coffers since the days of William Wallace. Still..........FOR FUCK SAKE SUE!!!!

Popular Opinions - David Cameron won the final leaders debate, discuss ??
Alexander Johnson is running for "Second Student Governor". So with the help of my and Jonny's policies he can't lose (some of the policies include "Free Ian Huntley" and " Rename Campus to "Poontang Corner."" How can you not wanna vote for this beautiful Ginny Weasley lookalike :)
Oh, and finally.Congratulations on Callum Heslop for making it to his Seventeenth birthday without someone hunting him down and slitting his throat.
OH!!!, and the "three more nights" is because I have a job interview at McDonalds.I'm lovin it :) , so to speak ;)
Till then
The world's not a shit place, I just make it seem that way CAW xx

Hearts burst into fire

This blog is dedicated to Olivia Sharp.

"What have the romans ever done for us??"
"The Aquaducts"
"Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true. "
"And the sanitation! "
"All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done... "
"And the roads.."
"Well yes obviously the roads... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads... "
"Irrigation... Medicine... Education... Health..."
"Yes... all right, fair enough..."
"Public baths! And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now."
"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us? "
"Brought peace! "
"shut up! "

The point of this bit of dialogue from the Life of Brian, is that you shouldn't really bring up the question of what a Government has done for you. For reasons that have been demonstrated in the dialogue above.

As we know, the General election is right around the corner (the corner being the 5th of may, the election being the 6th) and there are many people who are taking an altruistic view on this election, a "can't be arsed, someone else will do it" view. To them, I say one thing....
Well done.
No, seriously, you'll be very proud of yourself to know that your vote has not gone in opposition of a party you know will have a very dire effect on the way you live your life. Your laziness was your undoing, congratulations.Cunts.
I'm aware that my blog is read by predominantly 17 year old people, and as such, aren't allowed to vote. Mainly, because my blog is written by a 17 year old. So seeing as I cannot vote, I find myself having to offer unbiased views on all of the parties. So, here goes :
Labour : To say they've grown stale in an understatement, they seem a party unable to offer any sort of PR with Gordon Brown at the helm, choosing instead to offer the great British public the truth.However, the truth is this, the country has just recovered from a major recession (apparently, personally I didn't notice anything, other than having to fire one butler, and only play croquet once a week). A recession that Labour has partly caused, but the same recession which labour got us out of quite well. Gordon Brown is a lifeless Jock bastard , and is out of touch with the current British public (most press say that he cannot see what is infront of his face due to him being out of touch.However, I think the fact he can't always see what's in front of his face is the fact that he only has one good eye)However, they are the only realistic party against the tories, so any Conservative hater will probably go here.

Gordon Brown: more scared of an election than an eight-year-old Chinese prostitute.


Conservative : Well then, Labour has finally ballsed up after 13 years, so here is where the vote of the angry voter will go to. However it may be a case of "better the devil you know, than the devil you dont" Seeing a Mr Cameron is an Eton Tutored, Thatcherite, which will cut taxes (this may sound good, but to cut taxes, he will have to reduce public spending, and therefore reduce the GDP and devalue this country. David William Donald Cameron (or Dave, as he wants to be known to us commoners) will also try to gain the support of the working class. I shall put this into analogy

" Mark is an executive of a large, multi national corporation, he has just been given a promotion to become the CEO of this large national corporation. He decides that it would be good for him to visit his office workers, in the hope that they will all go to his christmas party, however, due to the fact that Mark was able to inherit alot of money from his parents and had allegations that he only got into the executive board on account of who he knows, his office workers despise him. The workers then go on strike, forcing Mark to become miserable and lose his job to Gordon, a miserable, yet hard working Scotsman."
oh, and the posh Tory twat is in the back pocked of Lord Ashcroft, so if he won he would be just a humble puppet.
Liberal Democrats : Nick Clegg, the dark horse of this, he campaigns for "real change" in this election, this "change" of which he speaks of, is

• No cuts in national spending (great)
• tax breaks on most families (wait a moment, wont these two cause quite a large budget deficit having just come out of a recession?)
• Embracing the EU (great)
• Embracing the EU's plan to reduce the Nuclear warhead total (wait a moment, wont these two cause the EU, namely Britain, to become weaker in the eyes of a world currently getting more and more "nuked up"
  
  Nick Clegg has also allegedly slept with over 30 women, great for someone with no political aspirations, but when you're running for PM office, is that really what you want to be getting used about you
  "Nick, sir, what do you think about the economic growth"
  "Well miss Jones, I dont know about economic growth, but by god you're giving me some growth right now"
  Please dont sue me for defamation meester Clegg, I want to make it 31 with you :(
  
  I have quite frankly, bitchslapped these politicians who are probably my superior in pretty much every way, but I've found that my anger is giving people a good laugh, and since politicians get it from the press anyways, what's a shitty little blog read by 12 people going to do ?
  Till then, if you have the power to vote, choose wisely.
  If not, appreciate the humour to this blog, because I bloody well tried with this one (and it's still a bit meh ish )
  till then, remember that
  The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. xx CAW
  

Aces High

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender


This speech makes me proud to be English.
Other things which make me proud to be English, Our love for football, Our discontent for something which only ever ends up in us grumbling at it "grrr, global warming, grr"

This blog is going to be a bit of a deviation to my norm (which apparently, was too much like Russell Howards Good News)
This blog will be about circumstances that no one person can change. Politics, the Climate, and Religion.
First up, Religion - Went to Durham on some day which is irrelavant to you all. Ended up going to the Cathedral (beautiful place, for it's architecture)

However, once I was inside, I began feeling instantly uncomfortable, (Kinda felt like an atheist in a cathedral :/ , oh wait...) The priests were literally, EVERYWHERE, So I got to the stained glass windows, where I hear a priest preaching to these Chinese tourists and this statement caught my attention " There is peace by following god. In the beginning of the church ...."I lost interest at this point, now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the church responsible for attempting to kill another religion in itself (pagans) and used the facade of them being "devil worshippers". Was this, or was this not ?... The same religion that taxed english peasants to levels where the families starved in the name of "their religion" ? Oh, and there were far too many priests in there for my liking. Trying to ram their religion down peoples throats (Their catholic counterparts ram something down other peoples throats too, but that's another story...)

Religion ? Peaceful ?
Like fuck.A bunch of sinister bastards one and all.

Climate - Ash, fucking up planes, I say we let all the planes fly, and see which pilots are good enough to avoid the ash clouds, it's a win win, natural selection on the part of the pilots, a few thousand shaved off the world population total, and more money being donated to fuck knows how many charities. My sympathies for the families that have metaphorically died, but they shouldn't have been taking the chance of flying in the first place.GOD, how stupid of them....(which links back to my natural selection theory.)

And Politics, namely, the debate that took place on Thursday - I'll sum this up in a few sentences
Clegg - He wont get in, however I'm becoming more and more impressed with him, And he will have a big say when we inevitably have our hung Parliament. (not literally, although getting rid of them and starting over would be good in my opinion)
Brown - Yes, his tenure hasn't been littered with many successes, but maybe he is the better option for the working classes (which I am, as is the majority of the readers of this "blog" ) tbf, I personally feel he is the better choice for this election, then maybes Vote Clegg in at the 2014/15 election, as the lib dems will have sufficiently caught up.
Cameron - Tory + Working class = Anal ravaging for my family, I feel all that needs to be said about him has been said. Oh, and George Osbourne is an odeous little cunt/cretin.

I think that's me finished for now.

Till then,
The worlds not a shit place, I just make it seem that way. :) xx CAW

Laaaaaaayla

"You got me on my Knees"
An Eric Clapton song, Or what my uncle makes me say to him on a frighteningly regular basis.You decide.

A fairly happy week/ 10 days since my last blog came and went, and then came again.In your ear.
However, people dont want to know about happiness, they want to know exactly how the world is shit.
Well, first off, Ricky Martin announced in the news that he is gay. ( I think the bigger surprise would be if he announced if he was straight.)
He claims that he is "Proud to be a gay man" (Yeah, that's why it took you 10 Years to make it public, you media hungry cunt.)

Elsewhere in the news, the Catholic Church has been done for some more child abuse, only this time, it's(The head of the Catholic Church) Pope Benedict covering up the abuse, now I dont know about the laws in the Vatican City, however I do know that under most EU laws, that's obstruction of justice, and provides a decent jail time, but oh?? what's this ?? Because he's the head of a Religion he's immune from charges ? How coincidental, I think I'll invent a religion, become the head of it, and allow a relative of mine to touch some kids up ( the Popes brother is the one he's covering for btw kiddies) and cover it up, safe in the knowledge that I can't be tried.Fucking hypocrites.


Hmm, Oh yeah, Bandwagon groups- Seriously, why ? just why ? why join a group you chuckle at when it's in vogue? And then join a group five minutes later that's practically the same in pretty much every way , such as :

• It'll have the same overall message
• A similar photo
• And a similar longevity ( a month, tops)

I mean, yes, I'm aware that it's other peoples choice, but they're shit. Half of them dont even make you laugh, you just join them because it's the current thing.
Right, there's my usual three of "what's shit with the world." Now for something new and unusual for my blogs....Optimism

Lewis Stephenson Put 60p in a vending machine on Monday, and what he got out of it was

• A Kit Kat Chunky
• A packet of crisps
  
• Two four finger Kit Kats
• And his 60 p back
  

What happened was, some poor sap put 60p into the vending machine, but didn't get it back, Lewis comes along, presses for his crisps , and that comes out, along with 3 kit kats,of different shapes and sizes, as well as his 60p. His win inspired me.
Till next time remember that.. "The worlds not a bad place, I just make it seem that way"