Big Fat Blog Of The Year - 2010

Truth be told, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I mean, most people will be on their xboxes/ps3's playing games they've gotten from a fat, bearded, closet paedophile (I'm referring to their uncles, as santa does not exist).
So why write this blog ? I mean, Channel 4 has already cornered the market with cynical works, such as Frankie Boyle and Charlie Brooker (I think that's his name) so why am I writing a blog which will basically be on tv in a matter of days, when it's much easier to access it ?

The answer, of course, is boredom. So fuck it, settle down, buckle up, and enjoy a years worth of recycled jokes courtesy of yours truly.

January was a bit of a blur to me, all I remember was the Haiti earthquake which to be fair, wasn't too funny in itself, what was funny however, was Wyclef Jean thinking he can bring the country out of poverty as he ran for the office of Prime Minister, you can just imagine it can't you,

"Wyclef, what makes you think you are best suited to the job of Prime Minister, what seperates you from the rest of the pack?"
"Well Breddren, I can lay down a smooooth ass melody to calm the masses, tell them that everytin' is going to be allllright"
"What about the countries situation, our infrastructure has all but collapsed, and anarchy is on the streets of Port au Prince?"
"...errm, we lay down some sweet ass melodies to calm de masses"

Needless to say, he was ruled out of the running, because he fucked off from that country and didn't return until Haiti was in the news, coincidence much ?

February saw some bloke die during the winter olympics.
A small man? lying down on a tea tray ? going at up to speeds of 60mph ? What could possibly go wrong ?
Fucking idiots.

March - boring in terms of world news, however, I somehow managed to snare/ attract a blind girl into going into a relationship with me. Good times. Oh, and I saw Trivium, a band who's fade into mediocrity started when Matt Heafy thought he would embrace his Japanese heritage that bit too much. No one gives a fuck where you're from Matt, go back to writing stuff like "Pull harder...." (No, that's not a sex joke non-metal fags)

April - Nothing much to report, I finally won the Grand National. All those years of backing Tony McCoy finally paid off, and I was richer to the tune of £25. For those who don't know, the Grand National is basically a very long race, in which Irish midgets try to jump over hedges. On horses. We don't know why, but it seems to please the British public. The midgets are of course, paid in POTATOES!
April also saw the introduction of the P Factor, where they reduced the job of prime minister to the equivalent of a talent contest, with televised T.V debates from all three of the main party leaders ending up in a public vote for who they think won that debate. Personally, people should go out and look for information on politics, not have it shovelled through their T.Vs. But I'm old fashioned like that.

May - Conservatives got into power. Don't want to talk about it.

June - The world cup started, I went to Wembley, I saw AC/DC, and I got made a sammich by my girlfriend. It was a good month....UNTIL, Frank Lampards disallowed goal in the world cup hammering by Ze Germans sent us all back to our stiff upper lip mentality, forcing the blame on everyone apart from the players who frankly, were just shit. Still, we won the ones that counted didn't we ? ;) (That's a world war 1 & 2 joke for those who didn't get it)
Oh, and one last thing, at Download Festival, where I saw AC/DC, there was something very unwholesome about a geriatric pensioner stripping down to his underwear whilst playing an unecessary 20 minute guitar solo whilst the other main gadgie encourages barely legal girls to get their tits out. Wrong, even by my standards...."Did someone say barely legal?"

July - Roaul Moat is a message to all the gingers out there. We will find you, and we will make it look like suicide.
Spain won the world cup final, with the British media making a huge fuss that an Englishman would actually be in the WC final, despite him being a referee, and despite every fan in that stadium hating him due to the fact that the Dutch were a set of dirty bastards and bookings were coming out left right and centre, although big up to Nigel De Jong for his excellent Kung Fu kick

"Wax on, wax off, pick up Yellow card, break Frenchmans leg in future."

August - A level results, resulting the the biggest set of arse clenching for 18 year olds and under since Gary Glitter announced his world tour. Other than that, fuck all happened that you guys are actually interested in. Other than my holiday to lanzarote, which resulted in me coming back with an arsenal of jokes which helped me produce what I consider to be my best work as a blogger, look for it in my history, it's entitled "Christopher Walkens speech in Pulp Fiction" and is undoubtedly going to be used as evidence for when someone claims I am medically insane.

September saw the mass influx of AS level students back into Newcastle college, it also made me realise what a set of annoying little shits we were last year, only thinking we can fit 10 in a lift, blocking up the corridors, and generally being knobjockeys, whilst being blissfully ignorant to the contempt whic the A2's hold for you. Which trust me, DOES exist.

October was my 18th birthday, and what followed was one of the best nights of my life, I was presented with a 3rd generation watch which had been kept in my family for 15 years awaiting my 18th (manly tears were shed that night, I assure you) and my 18th birthday party was a small party, but was held in the best of company, excuse me for a moment as I will deviate from my usual cynicism to tell you that I may slag my friends off rotten for being annoying bastards, because, well, they are. But if anyone tries to insult them in my presence, be prepared to choke on my fist......Up your your arse. Seriously, from the speech i gave whilst half cut, to the hokey cokey of death which ended up with a 6"4 friend of mine being kicked in the face, that night was brilliant from start to finish.

November however, wasn't as fun. In a month which saw the Lib Dems popularity go down like Jodie Marsh on the first date, we saw the potential outbreak of what may still yet escalate into WW3, with North Korea shelling a South Korean island. Shit got ugly. How ugly you may ask ?? Well, this ugly ....

What a fat little fucker he is.

December - Started off badly (me and Catherine split up) and it slowly got better, topping it all off with Christmas day spent with my family, laughing at miming "stars" on Christmas Top of the Pops. England raped the Aussies in the cricket, and Simon Cowell signed up a manufacture boy band to his label, honestly, the only way he could exploit children more is by opening a sweatshop.

2010 has been an amazing year for me. If someone told me this time last year that I was going to fall in love, get an A in an A level exam, find a place where I belong, mature and regress in the same year, I wouldn't believe them.
2011 is looking good already, a lot of friendships in placefor the future, University on the cards, and tickets to blink 182 and Iron Maiden.
Honestly, the only way this will get better will be by punching the very cunt who tried to sell out my best friend to save his cowardly hide.
Happy New Year guys, let's do this shit.
CAW

The Conservative Party Want To Bring Back Slavery

Not really. But now I've drawn you in with a catchy title, maybe you'd be so beautiful as to read my EPQ and give me feedback, because I literally cannot be arsed to do anything else tonight.
This is my first piece of informed political writing. Instead of spouting my usual left wing propaganda, I've decided to actually read the facts, and present them to you in the best way I can.
It's about 1000 words, so if you take the time to read this, thank you.

Assess the impact of the coalition Governments spending cuts on UK society and economy.

On the 20^th October 2010, the newly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne laid out what he intends to be “Britain’s path to economic stability” in his coalition government’s comprehensive spending review he set out to cut excessive public spending whilst raising taxes, with the aim of reducing Great Britain’s current budget deficit of 64.5% of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) which was valued at £955.0 billion on the 10^th of October. These cuts are viewed from the Chancellor as “necessary” whilst the shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson describes them as “draconian and born out of conservative ideology.” During this essay I will attempt to discover the true reasons to the government’s cuts in almost every walk of life, the impact it will have on the UK society, the impact it will have on the UK economy, and the roles of those involved in the CSR, from the masterminds to the frontline opposers, and everyone in between.

Contents of the Comprehensive Spending Review

The contents of George Osborne’s comprehensive spending review can be found on the HMRC website. However since it is 128 pages long, I shall attempt to condense it into as few lines as possible, whilst still explaining what shall be hit, where it shall be hit, and how hard it shall be hit.

• £81bn cut from public spending over four years
• 19% average departmental cuts - less than the 25% expected
• £7bn extra welfare cuts, including changes to incapacity, housing benefit and tax credits
• £3.5bn increase in public sector pension employee contributions
• Rise in state pension age brought forward
• 7% cut for local councils from April next year
• Permanent bank levy – George Osborne expects this to raise £2.5 billion a year
• Rail fares to rise 3% above inflation from 2012
• Police funding to be cut by 4%
• Retirement age to rise to 66 by the year 2020
• Up to half a million public sector jobs to be made redundant.

Source – BBC news.

Alan Johnson, the shadow chancellor of Ed Miliband’s new Labour party was quick to attack this proposal. He instantly noticed that the CSR was not backed by the any of the other nations of the UK. George Osborne stated that it was because of the mistakes of the previous labour government that caused the comprehensive spending review to be made. The average cuts in each department were 19%, which was –as stated previously- less than expected. However there are some anomalies in this budget, things that contradict typical conservative ideology. Such as the 14% cut with the Royal Family’s annual spending, with the conservative party generally being a large supporter of the monarchy. The hard hit to the middle classes with the scrapping of child benefits for those with a member of the family earning over £44,000 per annum. However this plan has been attacked due to its apparent unfairness, with families where both parents earn £40,000 a year will still be entitled to the child benefits, according to Osborne’s plans. Other sides of the spending review which contradicts conservative beliefs is the increase in foreign aid which will be distributed. This is increasing by 34% percent. This can also be seen as a differentiation from typical conservative beliefs, that in a time of financial prudency and “belt tightening” the conservative party will increase aid for a country other than ones in the United Kingdom. The donations will rise from £6.3 billion to £9.4 billion. This is able to counter Alan Johnsons claim that the CSR is done through conservative ideology, however further research shows that there is depth to his claims. Using the IFS (which is a body independent of the government used to assess the monetary implications of budgets, etc) it shows that the governments spending review will actually be extremely lenient on middle and upper class families. This is something which is a conservative belief. The protection of higher income families. The lenience on higher income earners inevitably that George Osborne’s “fairer budget for a fairer Britain” hits low income families the hardest. To show this, I shall use a graph created by James Browne, an economist for the IFS.

This shows that George Osborne’s plans to make “everyone tighten their belts together” is fundamentally true in and up to the years 2012/13. With the white line (which represents the reduction of disposable income) staying at a consistent level from IDG 2 all the way to 8. It also shows the previous labour governments plans to reduce the deficit by taxing the rich at a high extent. However this is a new government in charge, with different ideals. Therefore the taxes on the richest group were scrapped, in favour of a conservative viewpoint for tax and benefits, and after the first two years, the percentage decrease in benefit and taxes does not seem too severe.

However after the first two years of stability we are shown a rather startling figure…

What this shows is that the poorest families will lose the same amount (in £’s) income as people in grade 9 of the income decile group. The line in this graph shows that, as a percentage, the poorest stand to lose a significant portion of their income in comparison to the income of other pay groups. Notice the white line which continues to rise until you hit the richest people in the United Kingdom. This shows that the higher the grade of income you receive, the more leniencies will be shown on your tax and benefit measures by the years 2014/15

That's it for now. Thank you for being arsed to read your way through this. The next installment shall be written for next weeks blog.
CAW