Yes, this is currently what I'm listening to.
It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I'm worried I may have lost my offensive edge, so what I'm going to do is a "pre seasons" blog, where I warm up for another onslaught of the college year, this blog will be me using some of my most offensive phrases, designed to offend nobody in particular.I shall also do this in a monologue format, like a very ranty speech.Here goes....
I've recently got back from a two week holiday in Lanzarote, it was fucking boiling, but no-one could give a shite if had been to the city of Atlantis or if I had been to Hiroshima (although that would explain my new limbs). In my hotel there was a little gym where I decided to go to TRY and muscle up. I should explain, gyms are these mythical places where the beautiful people of the world go to meet up with other beautiful people and laugh with other beautiful people. It is a place where the normal people, the ones who enjoy a pie and a pint at a football match are made to feel like lepers (which reminds me, what did the leper say to the prostitute ?? Keep the tip.). I was on the bike where I saw Katy Perrys newest video, it was also at this point where my cock exploded (fortunately I already had a towel handy, for the machines, that's my reason and I'm sticking to it)
Also at this hotel was a man in a wheelchair, now, I don't have to be particularly talented to get jokes out of this one, so all I shall say is this, you have never seen anything as funny in your life as a pelatic man where inly 50% of his limbs actually work. Club singers are also frequent in tourist destinations , and some of their voices were so bad that the only way I can describe them was if I can get you to imagine an animal being slowly impaled with a hosepipe up their anal canal.
Walking through Costa Teguise town centre I saw a "Missing Kid" notice, now, I don't know the proper Spanish term for missing kid, although in ignorant spanish it is pronounced "Missing-o ......KID-O" with lots of gesticulating.Anyway, I digress, this missing kid poster. I took one look at it and thought "Jesus Christ, the police might as well send out their divers for a body because no kidnappers will be keeping that ugly fucker alive to rape."
Read the Sunday Mirror whilst I was over there, and saw in it an article about Jon Venables saying he has "Found God" (in the Catholic sense)and has claimed he has been "forgiven".It made me think. He obviously knows what he's doing, because if ANY religion in the world is going to forgive you for fiddling kids, it'll be the Catholics. And unfortunately, that isn't a joke, especially coupled with the Grand Master Paedophiles visit to the UK (AKA The Pope).
It was also claimed at the Mirror and the BBC (by our good 'ol Tory Propaganda machine The Sun) that they give too much coverage to Labour, and smear the Tories too much. Win for hypocrisy right there. But to be fair, if the BBC DID have an anti Tory bias, they would have done something about it, like spending billions of taxpayers license fee's to research an injectable form of Alzheimers in Margeret Thatcher during a 1987 episode of question time.THEORETICALLY.
Oh, and whilst we're on the subject on degenerative diseases, they've found a cure for cerebal palsy, it's called a silver bullet.
Ooooh, I'm now watching the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction, legendary :)
Which reminds me of another form of abuse, feeding me airline food. I would not feed that shit to my worst fucking enemy, it is honestly only eaten because between the choice of not eating for 48 hours, and eating something whilst looks like regurgitated faeces, I would eat the pukey poop. Albeit it begrudgingly.
I also had a small round of mini golf over there, which some fucking Germans interrupted by walking across the course. So, being the good sport I am, decided to let it slide........ish
HOWEVER, when my sister asked the time, I took great satisfaction is telling her
"19:45, although it was 19:18 not too long ago"
However I did not mention the football, due to the fact those schnitzel eating krauts got us back not too long ago.
Our representative in the hotel was in my opinion, the living emobodiment of the phrase "a fucking screw loose" his name was Igor, and I have no doubt in my mind that he was on grade A narcotics.He was a beautiful human being. Even though he was Portugese.
And to finish of my anger part of the blog, I shall end with fair trade products, which were being pressed upon me during my time over in the Canary Isles.
I could not give a fuck if my cocoa beans come from the bloody hands of Robert Mugabes beaten and oppressed people, if I can get them for 20p less than your fair trade shit, I'll get them.
It felt good to get that off my chest, if you have read this without spitting feathers, reporting me to the relevant authorities, or in general wanting nothing more to do with me. Thanks you.
Normal service will be resumed after the first week in college, which I'm weirdly looking forward to.
Whiteman xx
